I'll appologize up front...this is long !!!

All in one evening I went from being proud of DH for his effort to parent and then sick from being made to feel responsible for both sides of the lack of relationship with SD11.

It started with him relaying to me that SD wants to hang out with friends on Sat. and sleep over at friend's house this coming weekend which is her weekend with us. No big deal and not unexpected (this is becoming a habit, an easy way out of spending time at our home. but not for me to point out). He continued that he wasn't expecting that we would forgo any activities with my kids just because she made other plans. That he feels she needs to feel the consequences of her choices (she tends to get very jealous of activities enjoyed without her). And further that he wasn't going to let her know what she might be missing ahead of time so her choices weren't made because of the activity instead of the people she wants to spend time with. It was so good to hear him making those parenting decision and all on his own. I had, and I suppose still do, have such hope that things can improve.

Some lead up info.....I was home making dinner and DH went to pick up SD. They come in the door and SD walks immediately thru the kitchen and upstairs without a word or even any eye contact so that I might initiate a greeting. This is normal.

So we have dinner. Not a single word out of SD, to anyone. Won't even ask for food to be passed to her. She doesn't participate in the dinner conversation which was pretty upbeat, excited talk about an upcoming family trip. She leaves the table and goes back upstairs. While I'm cleaning up from dinner DH goes to see what her problem is and she's up there crying.

So he returns to me and says....She is upset that she doesn't feel welcome in our home. That I don't talk to her. And he looks at me expectantly. I'm not sure yet what he wants from me. I have always been kind to her, tried to talk to her until just the past year when she's been almost hostile to me. He thinks she is reaching out the only way she knows how. Which is very possibly the truth. I asked what he said to her. He says he explained that it's a 2way street. That she needs to be approachable and talk to me if she wants me to treat her that way. Which I agree. I asked if he explained to her what that meant. No he didn't. Of course not, he treats her like an adult and expects she knows. And even he can't verbalize what that means to me. I asked him to explain to her that her body language, lack of eye contact, mopey attitude all put off a vibe that tells people to back off and leave her alone. So they do. So he did talk more with her about that. Even going on to explain to her that in the past she has not liked me and maybe her attitude toward me colored her perception of how I was treating her. Praise be for him even acknowledging the possibility.

DH says that she means she wants to change things and that she will try to change and that means I need to try too. Here's where I got the expectant look. Translation.....I need to bend over backwards to make her like me. At least that is what I feel like he is saying to me. Maybe I am jaded from past interactions. Maybe I am feeling too much built up resentment. Maybe I am pissed off that two years ago I told him that her actions were her reaching out for help and that she needed counseling and now she breaks down in tears and that's what it takes for him to see it. That is didn't need to get this bad but no one wanted to approach her on it.

I think she is feeling the consequences of her actions. She treated me like I was nothing, I backed off and only offered basic courtesy. She doesn't like it. Maybe it 's a start. Maybe her feeling that way and expressing it will help us find the way to fix it. If only DH can refrain from turning into a pile of mush because his poor baby is feeling bad about something she created.

I guess now that I've gotten that all out I can see that he is doing his part here. He is following all the advice I've given him. He is making the parenting choices I would want him to. He's telling her all the things I think he should. I offered to him that past resentment on both ends will take some time getting past.

I think I am fearful that I will not be able to reach out to her until I see her behavior change to know it's real and that he will blame me for it again. I am fearful of opening myself back up to be rejected again by a child who I sincerely want the best for and do a lot for.

I'm not even sure how to reach out to her. Any suggestions?