How much is too much confience building?
Seriously, SD hears nothing but how great she is from BM, from BM's mom, often from DH.
We attended a sporting event for SD and when the game was over I hear BM telling her "You did great, you were soooo great, I'm so proud of you, you worked really really hard today, don't you let anyone ever tell you anything else". I was like, really??? she played, she played well, she gave appropriate effort but nothing over the top, even a few things that DH offered some constructive critism for.
How is this good for a child? SD has a way overly inflated self image as it is, no wonder there.
I always offer some sort of praise. "Nice game". "Good job". "you looked good out there today". but BM piles it on and it makes me ill. My kids would be embarrassed if I went on like that.
I know I am a realist, but is this normal or am I just too jaded? It's about everything: school, grades, behavior, friends, sports, musical talent, artistic talent, looks, EVERYTHING ! I prefer my kids to know that they can't be great at everything but that everyone has strenths and weaknesses and that as long as they always do their best that I am proud of them. Is that wrong? am I off base here? When I witness these things I start to feel like an ogre for being so realistic with my expectations of my kids.
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Overcompensating seems to be
Overcompensating seems to be the pattern with a guilty parent. A parent with a healthy perspective would not praise mediocrity the way so many parents do today. It's completley different today than it was when I was growing up. Watching my ss get praised for what should be expected of him, like not getting into trouble at school for a week is just amazing to me. Comes with the territory though I suppose. What's going to be really sad is when these overpraised children become adults and are unable to function in society because the real world has realistic expectations for them.
You're not wrong. I've felt
You're not wrong. I've felt this way too. This type of over praise not preparing the child for the real world.
Thanks you guys for
Thanks you guys for validating my realist view of life lol.
I love this site for that reason. When I am feeling like I may very well be crazy I can come here and find others who either are in my same state of mind, or also crazy.
When I step back and look at how my DS acts I can see the difference. He comments often on how other kids are allowed to do certain things and he knows I would never allow that. Other kids act certain ways and he thinks it's not right. I'm going to take that as confirmation that I'm headed in the right direction.
And remind myself every day that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PERSON SD BECOMES !
Oh I have the best story
Oh I have the best story about this. Sad too! BM and DH are HORRIBLE about this.
DH is the worst. DH went to the gym with SS a few years ago and let SS do a bench press or something. Whatever it was, DH had to “spot” him. (Hold the weights so they did not fall on him) Well SS lifted like 150LB. Some outrageous weight that there was no way SS could have lifted it. SS bragged to everyone about how he can lift this ungodly amount of weight. It was crazy. SS was about 5ft tall and 100 soaking wet. There is no way he lifted it without DH’s help.
DH swore he did not help him. He did this for about two weeks.
So anyway, SS’s older/much bigger step brother, on his moms side, told him there was no way he lifted that much and that his dad must be helping him. his step brother worked out a lot and said he could not even lift as much as what SS said he was lifting.
DH had SS believe he really could lift all the weight. So the SB took SS and a few others to the gym to show that SS could lift that much weight. Well of course SS could not even lift 1/4 of what he thought he could and he ended up looking like a fool in front of his step brother and some friends!
I told DH..”see what you did?!” You are responsible for this. In your attempt make sure SS feels he is better than everyone around him, you made him look foolish.
To this day he still says that SS lifted it all on his own. I felt so bad for SS.
That's a great story ! Even
That's a great story ! Even better that it was another sibling to prove it wrong. I find myself sitting back waiting for SD to be proven that she isn't "all that". It feels bad to wish something like that on a child but I think the real world is the only thing that will alter her sense of self.
False praise is one of the
False praise is one of the worst things you can do to a child. I had to help DH stop it when SS moved in with us.
I remember when SS was 6 and couldn't read and thought he was the best reader in the world because he could read a sentence out of cat in the hat. And DH would clap and smile and tell him how great he was, but guess what, he couldn't read and was falling behind in school and refused to read because he was "already the best reader in the world". DH did this with EVERYTHING. Im glad DH actually listened to me about this topic.
Too much praise from BM is a
Too much praise from BM is a lot of what has convinced SS16 he knows more about everything than DH, which has in turn made any sort of discipline from DH void and has eliminated any respect from SS16. Too much praise & reward is what has created a lot of the entitlement SS16 feels now. Children do need praise sometimes to push them to continue to excel, however they need to be taught also, that certain things are EXPECTED & are not followed with praise. It is something to be earned. They receive it when they have gone above & beyond to acheive something.
DH still does it. He knows
DH still does it. He knows how I feel about it, because I told him several years ago.
Another thing he does is arm wrestle with SS. SS is now about 5'3" and weights about 130lb. DH is 6'1 and weights about 255. Not fat, (a bit of a gut) but really strong. He lets SS win, when they are wrestle. Then DH tells him how strong he is and how he can't believe how SS can beat him. Then SS jumps around whooping about how he beat his dad! (I can beat 17 year old SS)
But the bad thing is that SS REALLY thinks he is the strongest, smartest, person on earth. He REALLY REALLY thinks this. He has so many issues but I do feel bad for him on so many levels. But his issues are a direct result of DH and BM.
Do people that do this, really love their kids?