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Figuring out odd feelings..

PrincessFiona's picture

This weekend we went on a family camping outing. DH, myself DD11, SD12 and DS13. Several times throught the weekend I felt weird about DH and SD's interactions but I'm having trouble putting my finger on why. I felt excluded, but not exactly so. It seems like she likes to play the role of spouse but I can't really express why exactly that her actions make me feel that way.

Once we came back from a walk and the kids were obviously at odds about something. They must have had a tiff and all were separately pouting. DH immediately launches in an attempt to coaxes SD out of her poutyness and then starts a game that only her and he could play. I just let my kids be for a while and they got over it. I asked what was wrong, they expressed what had happened and moved on. No parental intervention necessary.

Then we had some of my family join us for dinner and campfire. We all went on a walk after dinner except DH and SD. I think DH held back because SD didn't want to go because she doesn't do well with strangers (yes, even after 6 years my family is strangers to her????). So we come back to the two of them sitting next to each other at the fire. He moves to make room for everyone, she moves next to him. He gets up to get a drink, she follows. He goes to the bathroom, she needs to go to. In and of itself non of these things should be a problem. It's just that she is like glue to him and I feel like I have to battle to have a husband when she is around. I won't do that, she is a child. So that leaves me feeling excluded.

I think it feels wrong to me when he bends over backwards to smooth her ruffled feelings instead of helping her learn to cope in better ways.

I guess I want to discuss this with DH but I am hessitant to until I can specifically tell him what makes me feel this way. And I really don't know.

Any thoughts or insight would help.

Comments

jojo68's picture

I feel the exact same way...it is a weird thing...makes you feel an almost embarrassed feeling...I don't know. I feel very left out when we go places....I don't "get" to sit next to my BF...hold his hand or even walk next to him...his 10 year old always intervenes by holding his hand, standing between us, or sitting between us and he lets her...so be it.

PrincessFiona's picture

Yes, that's how it is for us too. She talks to him, directly to him, head turned into his in a low voice so as to exclude everyone around from the conversation. She eats what he eats, she delays every decision/choice until he makes his so she can do what he does. it's exhusting, even when I tell myself I am letting it go.

jojo68's picture

I know...how do you express your feelings without seeming to be jealous or interfering. My BF daughter thinks she has has the role of his SO...I am just the one around who does all the dirty work. I have no importance in her life other than the one who cleans up and brings money to the home to buy things for her. That is the way it rolls. Does your SD live with you full time or just EOW? Mine lives full time with us.

PrincessFiona's picture

She is with us EOW and usually one other overnight during the week. She complains all the time that she doesn't feel part of our family but then she makes it impossible to include her. She (nor DH) can see that she is the biggest factor in her feeling excluded.

And I am nothing. She has not appreciation for anything I contribute to her wellbeing.

And she scowls and rolls her eyes when my kids show me affection.

I worry that she has the power to destroy my marriage and DH won't see it until it's too late.

Bettina's picture

I feel the same way.....it blows my mind sometimes and I dont understand why they dont see that that is strange behavior. I have said things to my HD about it and it has never really gone well. Counselor even spoke to him about his behavior.

PrincessFiona's picture

I think for my DH it is the ultimate guilty parent action. He is so worried that she will pull away that he takes this as an affirmation that she still loves him. I think it's just plain weird to have a child act like that.

jojo68's picture

I know I feel the same...I told my kids when they would try and pull the "I wanna go live with daddy" Bull with me...I'll pack your bags and load em in the car for you...LOL...never happened and I wasn't worried it would happen but they were...LOL. Why parents are afraid of their own kids is beyond me. It is weird and crazy too.