SD10 comparing me to BM
Ha! I just about dropped my teeth outta my mouth when my DD29 told me what SD10 said to her recently... she told my DD 'she told me that if I keep eating the way I do, I will be fat; my mom would never say something like that' to which DD replied, 'No, she just threatened to harm you and your brother and now you can't even see her for 5 years'.
Geeeeeeez. Here's what ACTUALLY was said - SD10 & SS15 have been pretty much holed up in the house due to Covid (we have full custody for the past 7 yrs BM is drug involved & has serious mental probs) and as I sat in our living room on my day off, binge watching tv, I noticed that she comes looking for a snack just about every hour. The kid wakes up and goes straight to kitchen for breakfast - cereal, waffles, oatmeal - and then eats ALL DAY LONG. So, noticing this behavior, I said ' if you keep eating this way - having to eat something every hour on the hour - you're going to be as big as a house someday'. Sidenote - I am constantly suggesting healthy things for her/them to munch on - apples and peanut butter, granola, yogurt cups - and she does eat this stuff too, but since her eating is almost constant, also eats junk all day.
I think I'm just irritated that she would even compare me to BM. I have never done drugs, I maintain a steady job as a respected Supervisor in my company (BM has pretty much worked 2 weeks at every fast food, convenience store, etc in both of our neighboring towns but drug usage always gets her fired or she just disappears), and I have been nothing but good to these kids (until my recent disengagement) but I still clean/maintain the home, their laundry, cook meals for everyone, etc. Other than her dad, I am one of the most stable persons in her life. And she compares one thing I say to her to her BM??? Gross......
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Your DD's one liner back at
Your DD's one liner back at her
Your thoughts would
Your thoughts would definitely be my initial feelings too. Looking at this from the outside, though, it sounds like the core of it is that SD10's feelings were hurt. She felt judged, and in fairness... it's a little understandable. In that moment of being stung I can see a child imagining a parent who she thinks wouldn't say that. Even if it is a parent who is abusive.
She's 10 years old, which means her brain hasn't fully developed decision-making. If there are waffles, candy, soda, etc., and is stuck at home with nothing else to do, it's normal to go for those. I probably would! That's why I don't have those as options at all at home haha.
I totally get being triggered as a step-parent, it happens to me all the time. And the remarks I've made I've regretted and apologized for. I think this would be a good opportunity to model conflict-resolution and say "hey, maybe my comment about your snacking was hurtful so I'm sorry I said that to you. Girls have enough pressure on looks and you shouldn't worry about that this young."
I know you didn't come on here for advice and wanted to vent so I hope I didn't come across as dismissive. Just wanting to help from one step parent to another
This reminds me of the
This reminds me of the difference in my growing up household from my Inlaws. They are a "help yourself to anything in the fridge.. even the young kids" In my home, we had to ask to get a snack. My parents wanted to 1. know what we were taking in and 2. didn't want us diving into something that was on the menu for dinner or my dad's packed lunches etc.. My family also rarely had what you could call "junk food" No poptarts, no waffles, I mean, the big treat for our birthdays was that WE got to pick out our own choice of cereals.. .. so ONCE a year I could get my mom to buy my beloved Lucky Charms..haha. We did get treats out occasionally, a trip to Baskin Robins, or my mom would have a dessert pie or something, but those treats were not for day to day consumption.. and certainly not free range consumption if it was in the house.
I do think that comment came off as hurtful to her... and she kind of lashed out with her "my mother would never".. when it is far from the truth that mom is a great person. It is likely more of a wishful thinking than anything else. editing to remove laughing at what your DD said. I didn't read the post carefully enough and though it was two children talking.. NOT an adult talking with a young child. At 29 your DD should not have said something so snide to a 10 year old... there were other ways of handling it. Like "I'm sure my mom wasn't trying to be mean, Just trying to encourage you to eat more mindfully. Because eating out of boredom is a bad habit. I think she is doing all she can to help you and your brother."
Maybe you could come up with a space/list of foods the kids can take without asking? Water, fruit, PB, oatmeal, cut veggies... It also helps when the "junk" isn't as readily available because yes, their executive function, at that age is not highly developed.. and I am sure that to some extent she is eating her feelings.
Lol your daughter’s sarcasm is legendary
Put sd back in her place. What i have noticed with skis with failed parents and bio mums, is they love to take digs at the superior stepmum. When stepmum is a sane and professional individual and more successful compared to lazy pathetic bio mum sponging off others, you need to put stepmum in her place..... which is ridiculous
my husbands exwife can’t trashtalk me to hubbys sisters because she is not at the same level as me and my inlaws have my back...
Your adult daughter's snarky
Your adult daughter's snarky remark reminding SD that her mother tried to harm her was uncalled for. There was a way of handling that situation, remembering that SD is a child who has had a rough go at it, that didn't further hurt SD - which is exactly what that comment from your own daughter likely came across.
So SD was upset and misunderstood what you said, or was hurt and reacted. What have you done to sit down with her to talk it out? What has your DH done to talk it out with her? Those are words of a kid who has been hurt and wants to think her mom isn't 100% horrible (and by extension, that SD isn't also horrible).
You were upset. Fine. Then talk to SD about it. Don't be gloaty that your adult DD put down a child in an attempt to stick up for you, another adult. You BOTH have more tools and understanding to deal with this situation, so use them.
This. Why an almost 30 year
This. Why an almost 30 year old felt the need to rub that in the face of a 10 year old is beyond me. Disgusting. And instead of fat-shaming the CHILD, why doesn't OP make only healthy snacks available? I'm so disgusted that some find any of this acceptable. God that poor kid.
Monster SD
Oh no, no, no....don't go feeling sorry for this "poor child ". She is a miserable, whiny, lying, manipulative, attention hog. Nobody....and I mean NOBODY wants to be around her. Mother has a 5 year restraining order and this far (a year into it) hasn't blinked in our direction at all...I'm sure she's off drinking Mai Tai's somewhere and forgot she even has children. When the BM's parents do come pick them up on rare occasions, they bring them back early EVERY TIME. Believe me, she isn't 'poor little innocent child's. She is a hateful a$$ trying to act the princess and even DH can only stand her in small doses. My DD snarky comment comes from her feeling protective of me and resentful that these skids take her mom for granted DAILY.