18 year old SS issues
The past year has been a nightmare for me and the conflicts between me and DH keep arising. My SS turned 18 last fall and just graduated from HS a month ago but the problems seemed to have started about a year ago (last summer). A little background: We have our own BD (9) and I have been raising SS since he was 6. I love him and care about him but I am so sick of all his crap. It really started when he started driving. He got into trouble with that (driving friends around when it was against the law), smoking pot, last summer he started hanging out with this punk kid down the street and that's when I saw his attitude explode and respect plummet. He even brought some random girl home (my DH and I were sitting outside with friends) walked right by us without a word and took her into his room and shut the door. I confronted him and he started yelling at me, got in my face, etc. My DH got between us and "scolded" us both and SS stormed out yelling he couldn't wait to f#ing move out of this house. I couldn't agree with him more - he's got it made, free room and board, free food and pop, etc etc. He does pay for part of his cell phone and car insurance which I am supposed to be grateful for (per my DH) since most of his friends drive nicer cars than their parents and don't even have jobs to pay for them...
I will backtrack a little because this needs to be mentioned. Last winter (around Thanksgiving/Christmas) I kept coming home and smelling pot in and around my SS's bedroom. I confronted the situation and it got so bad my DH threatened to kick SS out of the house and leave me - basically ending our marriage because I put my foot down about no pot in the house. He defended SS when I demanded there be no pot in my house (we have a 9 year old) and my DH asked me "where is he supposed to hide it?" I really didn't know how to respond to that I was so struck that those words came out of his mouth...It all eventually blew over and I stick to the "no pot" law but the scars of what DH did still remain
I am so angry at SS and DH. They are more like buddies and every time I try to talk to DH about SS behavior, he gets defensive and reminds me that he is working, pays his bills, etc. I'm not even talking about money at this point...I am talking about respect. Since graduating, he has been at our house pretty much every night (his BM lives about a mile away) and for the past 12 years he goes week to week. I don't mind that he is at our house, but he doesn't tell anyone where he is staying night to night - he just appears. Comes here eats, goes to his room for hours and then sometimes his car isn't in front of our house when I leave for work the next morning. I realize he is at our house the majority of the time now because he can do whatever he wants....
I have pretty much broken contact with BM since graduation (hallelujah!) but have spoken with her once about college and SS behavior and sadly her and I are more on the same page than me and DH.
He has been having his girlfriend sleep over and never asked us if that was ok which would have been the ADULT thing to do. He doesn't tell anyone where he is at - per my DH we are supposed to text him (apparently it is OUR job to track him down and not his to let us know where he is going). Funny, my DH will call or text if he is going to be late or going out for a drink with a co-worker but the same standard is not held for SS. The idea of expecting him to be considerate to the people he lives with has been lost. He eats all of our food (I have started hiding food - petty maybe but too many times he will eat EVERYTHING). Leaves tons of dirty dishes in his room, doesn't do the chores I leave for him, etc, etc.
He got a lot of money for his graduation from family and friends and we are pretty convinced it is gone. He claims he put quite a bit into his savings but he has bought an xbox, eating out, and shopping A LOT. He came home with a bag full of clothes and shoes just the other day. When DH told him his car needs repairs (telling him this for months now) SS asked his dad to talk to a family friend to find out when he was getting his graduation money from them....REALLY! I can say that I have been ashamed of him only a couple of times in the past 12 years and this was one of them. When did he turn into such an entitled, rude, inconsiderate person??? I guess I can answer my own question - everyone has coddled him his entire life and now look. He can't even get his butt down to the college he's supposed to attend to take care of paperwork, testing, registration, etc. I guess he expects someone else to take care of it for him. I have spoken with BM and she is pretty convinced he won't last a year and I, sadly, have to agree with her. That is if he even goes this fall.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so angry and bitter. My DH seems incapable of co-parenting with me and is just as bad at communication with me. Things get assumed, tempers flair, etc, etc. Some days are better than others but I really don't know how to continue. I really think SS needs a BIG DOSE of reality and needs to move out on his own. But I don't want to be the one kicking him out and it doesn't appear that DH expects him to leave. I feel I need to write down/clarify my expectations and provide deadlines for these to happen but I also feel we are at the point of no return. I have let so many things slide for fear it will cause even further conflict with my DH. I just want SS to leave, go live his life, GROW UP and come back some day and realize what we have done for him and show some gratitude...is that too much to ask?LOL!!
Any feedback, perspective, advise would be appreciated.
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Comments
I agree that things slowly
I agree that things slowly escalate over time and it's hard to step out of your situation and see how bad it is. I am so consumed by it that I really don't know what to do anymore. Some days I am fine. We just got back from a family vacation and it was really good for all of us, but when we are home everyone tends to slide back into their habits and family dynamics.
I have never feared that SS will hurt his little sister or that he will steal from us. He is not a delinquent he is just a spoiled kid who thinks he is entitled to everything. He, like most teenagers, wants the best of both worlds. To do what they want, when they want, get what they want RIGHT NOW but not really taking responsibility for their actions. He wants to live off of us (like a child) but to do whatever he wants (like and adult) and I am just sick of it.
I appreciate your feedback. I don't know what I am going to do about my marriage. Please don't be sad for me, I have made my choices in life as we all have and I will find my way. This site is a godsend and I really value being able vent my frustrations and hearing that I am not alone in my struggles.
Purple, Thanks for your input
Purple,
Thanks for your input - it's nice to hear that I am not alone in my struggles. But it sounds like the difference between you and I are that your DH is supportive of you and recognizes that there is a problem with his son/your SS. Over the past several years it is rare that my DH actually acknowledges that his son does any wrong. He tends to sweep things under the rug and I am at a loss of what to do. It's like pulling teeth to get him to co-parent and sit down (the 3 of us) and when we do he tends to treat the kid more like a buddy and in turn throws me under the bus. I recall from the beginning (12 years ago) the first time I disciplined SS (which DH encouraged)...it was hard on both me and SS and SS cried to his Dad, Dad comforted SS and shut the door on me. It was both humiliating and infuriating. Countless times my DH has shut me out and not communicated with me when he talks privately with his son. I've always believed that if we show we are both the parents and a "united front" it would be more effective and show SS that I am an authority in our house and to be respected. I think my DH compartmentalizes his relationship with his son, doesn't communicate with me and alienates the rest of us. I don't know if he would ever admit this but I believe it is the piece that truly keeps us from being a family.
It sounds like your SS is a little lost but at least he is coming to you and acknowledging that he needs parenting. And that he is sitting down at dinner with you is a good sign. And what a nice, mature thing for your BS to say - you should be proud of yourself and of your kids! Hang in there and if you and DH decide that you are going to kick him out when he graduates make sure you are clear with SS that this will happen and that he is prepared to do so.
Funny, I have dreamt for the last 12 years of the day my SS would turn 18 and graduate (not just because of step parenting struggles but also ridding myself of his BM!) but now that it is a reality....nothing has really changed. It's actually gotten worse. Like I said in my first post - he does whatever he wants and thinks he is an "adult" just because he is 18 but really isn't acting like one. Ummm....I don't think living off your parents, not communicating with anyone and blowing on your money on frivolous crap constitutes adulthood. I do love and care about him and have been a big part of raising him since he was 6, but it is time for him to find his way in life. I still don't know what I am going to do - I think he should leave the house but I am so afraid of what will happen (between my and DH, me and our daughter) if I am the one to kick him out. I am so angry with my DH for putting me in that position and turning a blind eye to this. I don't get it either - his mom kicked him out at 18 and made him grow up so why is he coddling his son and not making him grow the hell up?!?
Iwlass, It's funny, BM has
Iwlass,
It's funny, BM has actually been a horrible parent through the years (only there for the shining moments, not taking responsibility, sometimes inappropriate behavior i.e. using her son's condoms with her BF and then telling him she took them - last summer) but ironically she is now the one who is putting her foot down about what happens in her house (no pot, and I am assuming she is not ok with girlfriend staying over). I've only talked to her once since SS graduated and she is seeing the same disrespect as I am (ss not telling anyone where he is, not coming home for dinner but expecting food when he gets home, etc).
I agree that something has to give and I need to take action. No matter what happens between me and DH. But it is complicated not only because I love my DH and we have built a life together but more importantly we have a BD9 to think about. She's asked me a few times over the last 6 months if me and her dad are getting a divorce (she overhead us fighting about SS). As hard as it is for me to admit, I am afraid. Financially and emotionally. I feel like I have backed myself in a corner and cannot get out.