First post.. My situation
Hello all. I currently find myself in a situation that isn't necessarily bad, but I'm nervous and there are a lot of complicating factors. (This is also my first post, so please excuse any incorrect acronyms, etc.)
I'm 33m, never married, no kids, and my SO of a year and change is 27f with a 4yo DS. (BD is not in the picture.) However, she hasn't seen him in over a year and a half because she came to the U.S. to work and left him in the care of her parents in South America. From everything she has told me all through the relationship, pictures and videos she's shown me, conversations with her mom and so forth, he seems like a really sweet kid. About four months ago, I traveled to her country to meet him and meet her parents (at the moment, leaving the US is not in her best interests as she likely won't get back in for a while, but if we end up getting married that will be resolved). He really is an adorable kid, and while he was understandably shy with me at first, he warmed up and was really sweet with me (e.g., asking me to pick him up, showing me his toys, wanting to play games together on my phone, etc.).
So why am I here? There are really two main issues I've become very concerned about. The first is that both while I was there in person, and what I see on FaceTime calls and here from my girlfriend is that his behavior is getting worse and worse. In the house he is constantly cursing at his grandparents and throwing things. When I brought him to his school one day, he stayed in the corner by himself, while the rest of the class did their activities. I'm not sure if this is normal for a 4yo as I don't have any experience raising kids, but he is consistently laying down on the floor and rolling around even in public places or somewhere that the floor is dirty. He also won't let go of his pacifier, despite many attempts. He also frequently outright refuses to do what his grandparents ask him and frequently calls his grandmother a "p*ta". Maybe all this is normal for a surely very confused child whose father abandoned him for another woman and had a son with her who he spoils and her mother was supposed to only be gone for six months or so to save some money to take care of him but now its been over 18 months. Actually, I'm sure it's very normal. What I'm wondering is, will he be able to adjust and have a happy and healthy life with us here in the United States. That's my girlfriend's dream - bring him here (which we have been trying to do, but isn't easy) to give him a future with many more opportunities than he'd have in his home country.
Okay so behavior is my first issue, but the second is the culture adjustment. Issue number one is he does not speak English and my girlfriend only has a very basic level. I'm just shy of fluency in Spanish, and where we live there are many schools that have classes for Spanish-speaking children. But my girlfriend's son hardly speaks Spanish. Her home country is one where Spanish is actually the second language (at least in rural parts, hint: look at my username) so he isn't being raised speaking Spanish right now. This means that if he were here I wouldn't be able to communicate directly with him until he has more of a level of English and/or Spanish and that the idea of going to school could be VERY difficult, again leaving him the outsider. I know the younger a person is, the easier it is to learn another language, but this whole situation leaves me very worried.
I know my girlfriend is blinded by her love for her son, as would any mother be especially having been apart for so long. I would like to bring these issues up with her, but if I bring up the behavior she will get very angry with me as she feels I'm "attacking her son". The language issue is one she is okay talking about, but she also brushes it off and says he understands a lot of Spanish and teaching/speaking English with him will be a really good way for me to bond with him. Maybe she's right.
That's my story. The boy definitely is facing some tough issues right now, but he has a very sweet side as well. He refers to me as his "padrino" (godfather) and asks when I'm coming to bring him to the United States. I just worry if the adjustment is going to be too much, and will end up hurting the relationships between all three of us, and maybe this idea is a bit too ambitious, as much as my girlfriend and I love each other.
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Comments
Honestly it’s not normal for
Honestly it’s not normal for a child of four years old to call his GM names. The playground behavior is concerning as well. You have an uphill climb ahead of you.
So I'm guessing your GF has
So I'm guessing your GF has overstayed her visa? Or had no visa. Are you speaking with an immigration lawyer. In today's political climate, you better make sure all the t's are crossed and i's dotted. Anyway, that aside....
The kid's behaviour is not normal. No question. I would ASSUME that his behaviour is down to the abandonment and perceived abandonment. The pacifier thing really speaks to attachment issues though there are some otherwise 'normal' kids who have a hard time giving them up. Mom has been gone almost half his life. Dad's been gone all his life. It sounds like the grandparents are out of their depth. Given the fact that they are not speaking Spanish in the home, I'm assuming that they are speaking an indigenous language and maybe don't have a lot of financial and educational resources? I know I'm making an assumption. Also who is teaching this little kids words like p*ta or that it's ok to call his grandmother that. I'd make the assumption that there some other verbal abuse (at least that) going on in this household. Men who don't verbally/emotionally abuse their spouses certainly don't usually allow grandchildren to do that.
Right now there's no way to tell if this kid has problems that will settle down once he makes the adjustment and is back with mom or if there is something more organic wrong with him.
I hope you realise that if you marry this woman and sponsor this child - you are legally, financially and MORALLY responsible for him. So please don't marry her without being willing to take this on and also abandon this kid.
oops
I Googled and since most of the population speak the indigenous language, my assumptions about income and education level were less likely to be correct in that country than in most Latin American countries. Sorry.
Yes
Yes, my girlfriend overstayed her permission to be in the US. But we have an excellent attorney and at the moment us getting married would be a path to a green card and citizenship for both of them.
You could say he lives in a humble home, but it also isn't an indigenous village in the Amazon. He goes to the best private school in a one-hour radius, but everything is also relative. My girlfriend has a 17 year-old brother, and is the person where he picks up on most of the cursing and disrespectful behavior. Her brother is having struggles of his own right now, and while at times he can be a very good role model there are also many times that he exposes the boy to things he shouldn't see and hear.
Good point about all the responsibility - of course I've thought about the responsibility when he comes (time, love, money, teaching, etc.), but I didn't really think about post-relationship if it were to end. But then here's what I have to wonder: if he doesn't come here and we try a life together, how will we ever know if it will work? We were at the consulate last week getting some paperwork in order and the consul said to my girlfriend, "In all my years here I've never seen a situation like this." Is that what it sounds like to you guys? Like you said, I'm really hoping all this is situational and not organic, but it is going to take some time and work to tell. Just don't want to inflict any more damage on the little guy.