Does any one else feel like this?
I've never posted much, but follow your stories and reply. I've been away for about a month now though...I need to get caught up...but this weekend I was wondering the following:
When my ss16 is here, which is EOW, I just sit on the couch when I am home. I feel like I can't get up and do anything around the house. I feel trapped. It's not a lack of motivation, as a lot of the times I am thinking about what I need to do and what a waste of time this is. Does anyone else feel like this? Why?
My why is because I am so tired of everything I do and day gets back to BM - and mostly not even truths. I am so tired of defending my actions in my house, which have never had anything to do with ss. So I do nothing, I say nothing, am 100% disengaged and it works!.. Yet, I feel like EOW now is wasted.
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I have a question for you --
I have a question for you -- did you move into a house your DH had lived in with his skids before you came along? What you describe is the feeling I had too when I lived in the house my DH bought before we married. By Sunday afternoon on skid weekends I would be so unmotivated and depressed I would literally lie down on the sofa. I didn't even want to go to my bedroom because I didn't want anyone accusing me of being anti social.
It got a lot better when we moved to a new home, one that was OURS (mine and DH) and not the one he had lived in with skids before I moved in.
I had this problem in the
I had this problem in the last place my SO and I lived in (which was the house he bought when the family was still intact). I also have this problem now, even though we've moved to a completely different state and place of our own, when my SD visits. SD is free to roam about as she pleases, but, I feel like I just can't. Even though she is only here once in a while and SO and I live here together. Although, I think with me, part of it is because if I do anything other than read or do school work, she's up in my business trying to find out what I'm doing (for whatever reason). The other part has to do with the screwed up dynamic that was maintained in the relationship for so long, with SD being the center of the universe. That came with us to our new place, and, unfortunately, doesn't make me feel very welcome and free to live life in our place when SD is around. :/ I'm hoping that the changes we're making to that dynamic stick because I'd love to feel more comfortable when she's around.
I don't get this at all! I
I don't get this at all! I am also a BM and I have my kids after school on XH's days.. I do not care what his GF's plans are or what his are unless I have to be somwhere and he needs to pick them up at a particular time! He is a workaholic and doesn't have normal hours so pickup is a different time every day. I'm just thankful tat I still get to have some time with them on those days!
This is one of my top pet
This is one of my top pet peeves.
BM lives less than 10 mins from me. The school busses run to BMs for both SS6 and SD12. BM works from home (just like I do)
SS6's bus doesn't run to my house, we are in the next district. SD12's runs to the district line which makes it just under 1 mile walk.
Instead of the skids going to BMs after school and DH pick them up on his way home from work, they bus here, well SD12 does, I have to stop work and go pick up SS6 since he can't bus here while BM sits on her ass at her house.
BM seems perfectly fine to let me absorb her responsibility just as DH is perfectly fine with it.
Anyway - its simply not something I can understand.
If my XH can't be around for the girls, they are with me - I like the SM and all but it simply isn't her responsibility - I really don't get how BM is perfectly fine dumping her kids with someone she claims to HATE with every fiber of her being - but its ok here SM watch my kids for me 3-4 days a week - oh btw, I hate you - huh?!?!
This is weird for me too. I
This is weird for me too. I sort of have a situation similiar to the poster above in that my ex works long hours that don't coincide with the kids school schedule so they come home to my house every day after school even on his days and he just picks them up when he is done working.
so you just like, get stuck with his kids basically? and there is no reason why they can not go to their mothers bc she works from home? I am sorry, but this is like a foreign language to me and I am intruiged lol
I guess because I can't
I guess because I can't imagine not wanting my bios, I have difficultly in how BM can just dump her kids with me after school when she is sitting there, less than 10 mins away with her kids here.
DH practically drives by her home with her being so close - there is 1 simple reason they come here....
BM doesn't want her kids any extra time.
I get DH has to work, I do too, I work until 5 here at home, the kids arrive at 3. DH shows up around 6\7 depending - so I am here with 'their' kids from 3-6\7 all this time they could be with BM in their mothers care...
There is absolutely no reason for it.
My bios being here makes sense - why would they go with their SM when I am here - right? but why are the skids here with me (their SM) when they could be with BM?
Seriously? It was your
Seriously? It was your birthday!! Ugh. :/
I understand what you mean.
I understand what you mean. I still do things around the house when SD12 and SD13 are here, but I try to say as little as possible, because everything I say gets twisted and reported back to BM. It's not like I've ever even said anything negative about her or SDs, but I'm always made out to be the Evil Stepmother. It's so frustrating to feel like I'm walking on eggshells every Sunday-Wednesday.
I never talked to ss...but
I never talked to ss...but the conversations between DH and I were always listened into. So now I keep those conversations to a minium
New Wife - I don't care, I
New Wife - I don't care, I just got tired of always defending myself and it just evolved this way...
No End - I think you are right, I need to take my house back...I've been thinking about this since the weekend. Disenaging has worked. I thik the next step is to take my house back nd when the comments start again, do not engage them. Disengage the BM at a far too I guesss. Funny thing is the BM will not talk to me. Always goes through DH. I have recently instructed him to stop being the messenger. If BM (or his counselors) want to speak with my they cn contact me directly. BM has both home and my cell number.
Uptohere - No, when DH and I first moved in together, we both moved from our respective apartments into a new one we found together (years ago). We then purchased this house together so everything here is OURS. DH and I have a 5 yr old daughter together so I included her in the "OURS". I think it is more the fact that ss just sits at the dinning room table and stares. I need to fix this. I hate being a stranger in my home.
I understand that too -
I understand that too - disengagement for me comes with me also shutting down in general. Its like to be disengaged, I hide within myself perhaps? I don't speak, I don't action, maybe I try not to move or be seen.
Part of disengagment for me is to not put myself in situations where I would be expected to engage. So that causes me to shut down in general. It leaves me unmotivated to do anything sometimes.
Problem is, my skids are here 50% of the time, my bios are here 80% of the time - so I find sometimes my disengagement leaks over to my bios - but its hard to engage with my own kids while staying disengaged from the skids... make sense?
Yes, it make sense. I try to
Yes, it make sense. I try to always have something to do with my 5 year old so I'm not stuck home with ss the whole weekend. But when I am home, it's really a lot of TV for her, which it isn't on the weekends ss is not with us.
I never thought of disenagement as a 'shut down in generaL' but I think it is right. I think I may steal this phrase next time I talk with DH about it.
Last time I said something a
Last time I said something a full on fight broke out. So I have no good advice there.... sorry you feel trapped. I do too when all the kids are home. We have only one tv in our house. And it's in the living room. I usually retreat to my bedroom. And have recently began reading books.
May I ask you this .... are
May I ask you this .... are you doing anything illegal or remotely immoral? Are you exposing your s/kids to inappropriate behaviour or events or items? I take it the answer is No.
I gave up defending myself and DH told his ex that this is OUR house and she doesn't get a say in OUR house and if she has any real concerns about OUR house she can either address it with DH or call CPS or the police. Otherwise she butts the hell out.
Still things got back to her. So we made stuff up. Trips out of town (that never happened) new cars (that never got bought). It is amazing what crap she believed. And yours will too. We even added in maybe adopting a child and she heard about it. Actually you can have a lot of fun because eventually she will not know the truth from fiction.
Duplicate, sorry!
Duplicate, sorry!
LOL...No I do nothing
LOL...No I do nothing illegal....I pretty much lead the middle-aged working mother/wife lifestyle.
Have fun wih it...never thought about that, but I think the next weekend I will bring up some conversation with DH and see if it gets back to her. Nothing bad, maybe brining up a summer vacation, to Italy or somewhere...I really may enjoy this.
Do this and report back! Ita
Do this and report back! Ita about time we got something entertaining out of all of the stepcrap!
^ AGREED! ^ HAHAHA!
^ AGREED! ^
HAHAHA!