What would you do?
New account, but Ive been here for years. I need advice!
My Sd19 Still lives here at home with us. She still goes to private Christian school. (her 3rd senior year) I am pretty sure she is never going to graduate, as the school loves their 350 a month, and she "works at her own pace". She has a 27 year old boyfriend. He is not really allowed here, but she goes to his house and spends the weekends.
I am expected to parent her, as hubby works 100 hours a week, and still considers her his baby, even though shes a grown ass woman. She does no chores, comes and goes as she pleases, and is generally rude to me.
Anyhoo, I was told to take her to the doctor for "a bladder infection" last week. Chlamydia. !!! I tried to tell her that her bf is probably cheating on her, but alas, she knows EVERYTHING. No, she says, I've had it for the whole year we've been together, he got it from the girl before me. Um, okay but when you had surgery 6 months ago you were tested for EVERYTHING, and you've been on antibiotics for sinus/ear infections 4 times this year.
AND she said, "Don't tell dad". SO... you have the crud from your cheating ass bf, so we have to pay the copays for your appointments and meds, have to take you to your appointments, but I can't tell Dad? Maybe dad can counsel you about your cheating bf before you get aids?
Should I tell hubby?
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Yes! Tell him. If you are the
Yes! Tell him. If you are the one parenting her, then give her chores. Give her rules. And have a punishment for being rude to you.
Your home, your rules.
H's kid used ot be on my
H's kid used ot be on my insurance, because it was less expensive and I had the better family plan.
All of the EOB's were addressed to me.
I received one and opened it up. It was for a OB/GYN appointment that was not mine, with the DX code for pelvic exam and birth control consultation.
You bet your ass I told my H. Why? She was fifteen and Uberskank thought it was a good idea. Or more to the point, she felt it would cause my H to flip his lid, start a fight and she'd take him back to court again.
Your SD is nineteen and your H considers her a child. Tell him. And tell her marriage is not about keeping secrets from your H. Especially about his own kid. Because she knows when he finds out, he may be forced to realize she's an adult and things may drastically change for her.
She's 19, why does she need
She's 19, why does she need someone to take her to the doctor?
Also, she needs to get a job and pay her own co-pays and meds.
She still lives under your roof, so your rules apply.
If she wants her STDs to remain private, why did she tell you?
And screw the "working at her own pace" bullshit, she needs to be done with high school and move on. She's probably using that to manipulate you and your DH to continue taking care of her financially.
She wants to live the life of an adult but wants to be taken care of like a child. Stop enabling her and give her a time frame in which the private school will no longer be paid for.
^^^^^^THIS, all day
^^^^^^THIS, all day long.
There's so much wrong happening in this scenario.
This 19 y.o. adult who is mature enough for a relationship and shack up weekends with a 27 y.o. man is still attending high school and needs her father's wife to take her to the doctor? That's some seriously blurred lines.
Why is no one parenting or giving this young woman expectations? Either she's a high school kid, guided and watched over, or she's an adult, responsible for herself. Right now this girl is a mess who's headed nowhere fast. Personally I feel that it's a parent's responsibility to exhaust all avenues to ensure their child completes high school. Your H is failing miserably in this area, and it's affecting you as well.
You need to have a serious talk with your spouse, and then drag him by the ear to that co-called school and come up with a plan for wrapping up your SD's high school odyssey. Then, the two of you need to draw up a list of house rules and expectations for SD and have a come to Jesus chat with her. Next up for DH, a talk with the individual who's screwing and infecting his daughter. Getting that loser out of his daughter's life would be an act of love.
Sometimes, you have to raise a little Hell if you want things to get better. I'm all for disengagement and "not my circus, not my monkey", but it's also necessary to take the long view and recognise where involvement now will make your life better in the future. Getting your household focused on preparing SD for launch benefits everyone.
Thank you guys. And if it was
Thank you guys. And if it was up to me, she'd be out on her ass. All my kids are grown and out working and going to school. enabling this child drives me insane.
Then stop.
Then stop.
Definitely yes! Dad needs to
Definitely yes! Dad needs to be told..if nothing else it will back fire on you if/when he ever finds out. He will blame you for holding info regarding his kid.
Just tell her she has 24 hrs
Just tell her she has 24 hrs to tell her father then you are telling him.
If she is old enough to play 'mothers and fathers' she is old enough to deal with the consequences.
She can go to planned
She can go to planned parenthood on her own, and pay their lower rates herself, like everyone else!! Third year senior?? Jeesh
Federally subsidized care ...
Federally subsidized care ... spread the cost to all the rest of us of her SD-19's lack of care/reality/responsibility? SD's family pays or all taxpayers pay. I'm voting for SD's biofamily.
To OP: wish you would suggest that she live elsewhere. Truly, it's not your job. DH needs to know because you do not lie to each other and because he supposedly is intending to pay the bills. Chalymdia is a painful STD. If she had it for a year that opens the entire "never having kids due to scarring" issue. This is no low=grade yeast infection. This is an acute infection. STD. Repeat that: "She has an STD," which is not known to malinger for a few years.
Sexually transmitted
Sexually transmitted infections can cause infertility. She needs to take care.
She also needs to be taking herself to the doctor since she is an adult.