Stress is Unbearable - Am I a mean step mom ?
My name is Olivia and I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years . I have sense then stepped up to take a step parent role . I love children and always have dreamt of a family of my own . I have lots of nieces and nephews as well as volunteered at an elementary school for students with disabilities and enjoyed it all . Kids seem to love me and I love them so I thought having a step son would be a breeze and a blast ! My boyfriend is working up towards 50/50 custody with his sons mother so we get him tuesdays for dinner and then Thursday-Saturday until 6pm. So we have an ok chunk of time of the week with him considering his mom is very capable and loving . I have been experiencing issues for maybe the past 3 years .. year one I was more reserved on discipline and really taking that role so I was more of a friend . Once I was more comfortable in my relationship as well as my role with his son I began trying to discipline and guide . His mother (as loving as she is) does not discipline him and let’s him pretty much do whatever he wants . He’s not a bad kid so when I say do whatever he wants I mean he eats junk constantly , doesn’t drink water, has too many cavaties, leaves his stuff all over the place, etc. Now that he’s getting older I feel he needs more responsibility because he is so smart and he is totally capable of completing basic daily tasks and understanding why he needs to help us . But because his mom still treats him like he is 4 , he refuses to take the initiative to do anything on his own . As simple as (brush your teeth, put your toys away, and eat your dinner) . Living with him is a constant battle of reminding him to keep taking bites of his food (we spend at least 1.5-2 hours after we have finished our own Meals to get him to eat . It’s a constant battle of all the small things he needs to do himself to prepare him to be an adult .. he comes back from his moms house and everything we told him is washed clean out of his memory so every week is deja vu. I’d rather he learn his simple tasks and not do everything in his being to do something else weekly so we can focus on the fun after we completed our tasks. It’s causing issues between my boyfriend and I because he hates when I get quite and remove myself from them due to my stress and I just don’t know if I’m being too harsh and mean because he’s not being raised to my standards from his mom and that’s her child so obviously that’s not my place ..... I need help for my mental sake as well as my family’s future ...
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It’s so easy to blame the BM.
It’s so easy to blame the BM. I used to do it. She used to be my Go-To but really that kids has TWO parents that are failing him thus creating him to be the person his is and you are an enabler to one of those said parents. DAD needs to actively parent his child and remind him to brush his teeth and eat his food. He has just as much responsibility to teach his son how to be self sufficient as BM. Based on your words your SO ranks below both you and BM on the parental totem pole simply because he does nothing whereas at least BM is doing some kind of parenting even if it is Disney Parenting. He is the weakest link. Talk to him. Fix your end then find ways to counter what BM is or isn’t doing that affects your household.
I really appreciate this
I really appreciate this response . I like to think I’m a very aware person and I have noticed and spoken to the dad about it and he has so much more patience and is so defensive so he doesn’t see what I’m seeing ... he also has this poor way of thinking because he was in the military and his ex wife wouldn’t allow him to see his son and she stopped visiting where he was stationed . He missed a lot of time with his son so he struggles to be a disciplinarian , not that that is an excuse . But I bring it up to him and he gets angry , if I’m quite and remove myself he gets angry .
i guess I just want to know if I’m in the wrong and should start trying to be more of a friend and not so strict .. I just worry he won’t have the structure to turn into a good, kind , hard working member of society .
Yeah, you can't care more
Yeah, you can't care more than his mother does, especially if you don't have him as much time as she does. You will just end up being mean ol' stepmom who is too hard on him. How old is he? It's a tough situation that won't get any better. Sounds like at least your boyfriend agrees the kid needs parenting - but let him handle it himself. It's not your responsibility.
Edit: I see your response that SO doesn't want to parent. Yes, you get to be the friendly aunt type person who just has fun and doesn't have to parent! If he doesn't like it, too bad.
It's going to be really hard
It's going to be really hard trying to undo 7 years of the parenting and habits that he's gained. The kid is with you for a short amount of time and his personality is pretty set.This is your boyfriend and BM's future family, not yours, at least not really. You're putting a lot of energy into this "family" with only the status of girlfriend. I'm not encouraging you to run off and get married to make things official, just be aware where your time and energy is going and ask yourself what you're really getting out of all of this long-term.
My SD is almost 7 and doesn't
My SD is almost 7 and doesn't do basic things like tidy up her room, pick out clothes for school in the morning, help out around the house with minor chores. Hell, she wouldn't buckle her own seatbelt until 2 months ago when I told her enough is enough, my 4 year old niece does her own seatbelt up and I have a baby to get buckled into the car, do it yourself.
My husband tries to push her but she's got this "I CANNNNN'TT" attitude and he'll often just do it himself if he gets tired of hearing it. I've disengaged from most things related to teaching her responsibility. I just don't care if she learns it or not at this point. If she asks me to buy her something or take her somewhere, I remind her that she's refused to tidy up or help around the house for months so nope, sorry, i'm not doing what she wants.
In the morning, if she hasn't picked clothes out, my husband handles it or he's walking her to school because I leave with the car at 8:00 on the dot to get to work regardless. The way I see it, it's her loss. If she doesn't accept guidance to become more responsible, that's on her/her parents (mostly BM and DH) but my son will certainly learn these things. He'll be helping clean as soon as he's walking.
Thank you for relating
This is EXACTLY what I go through . Even the littlest things he refuses to do and has that same attitude . I have been around him long enough and his father and I have been trying to teach him the simple things like buckle your own seat belt and brush your teeth . His mother had another child so I feel he try’s to act helpless like his little sister to get attention and it bothers me . My nieces and nephews are a lot more excited to try to be independent and he refuses to even try . I have given up but my boyfriend is offended by that . Him and I are in a good place but his son causes issues between us .
If you need to step back,
then step back. It is not right that your boyfriend gets mad at you when you withdraw. What else are you suppose to do? Boyfriend won't parent and sometimes the situation stresses you out - of course you should step back.
The first thing you should do is let boyfriend deal with the eating situation. It has already been turned into a power play and will continue to be a problem. The obvious solution is to give the kid a set amount of time within which to eat. At the end of the time the food gets put away and he doesn't eat until the next meal. If boyfriend doesn't want to do this there is no point in you sitting there trying to force feed the kid, let boyfriend do it. And if the kids wants a snack later in the evening, let boyfriend deal with the situation.
My OHs 14 (almost 15) year
My OHs 14 (almost 15) year old still acts like this. We have to tell him to eat, brush his teeth, pick up his junk, do his homework, shower, change this clothes... He needs to be told to do everything, or he'll sit on his phone/computer all day long. It's very frustrating but I've taken a step back. I dn't care if he doesn't brush his teeth, not my teeth, not my problem. I don't care if he doesn't shower. It's not me who people will snigger at when he stinks. If he doesn't do his homework, he'll get in trouble from school, Mum and Dad. If he leaves junk in my way, I dump it in his room. Right at the door so he has to step over/on it. If he doesn't bring his laundry down, he won't have clean clothes. I don't buy junk food as a rule, but if I do he knows not to touch it, it's mine. If he wants junk he can beg his parents for money for it.
Pick your battles. Honestly, this is stress you don't need in your life.
You're in big trouble! It
You're in big trouble! It appears your BF's son has two permissive parents. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Your BF is the only one who will be able to parent this child and if he won't step up I fear you're going to end up miserable.
Don't end up picking up the slack because you feel it's the "right" thing to do because you will grow bitter and angry. One day you'll look in the mirror and discover you can't recognize yourself anymore.
His BM could also end up a huge problem for you in the long run too. I think you should take a long hard look at this relationship and have an open discussion with your BF about your future and what role he wants you to play. If it's full parenting you might want to run.
Your BF has guilty dad
Your BF has guilty dad syndrome because he went not seeing his son for a period of time. This is something he needs to deal with but aside from that his lack of parenting his affecting not only his son but your relationship. If your BF is not supporting you in teaching his son to do basic tasks and when he goes to his mother its more of the same than you are in for a long stressful ride with this child.
Since your BF gets defensive I would step back and allow him to "parent" or lack there of and remove myself from it all. He can't have it both ways, happy when all is well but when you address something he doesn't like it. Its all or nothing. So take yourself out the equation and when he gets pissy tell him why.
step back
Let the parents parent. I wish i had stepped back when my sds were younger. My dh was looking for a replacement biomom and believe me it's a no win situation. you get the blame from both sides when things dont work.