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I live with a thief - SS stole $1400

Oldrosie's picture

Hi all, 

I don't what I'm looking for in this post. Maybe just to rant and off load. 

My SS doesn't care about anyone but himself - he has no concept of work, right and wrong or empathy for anyone else but himself. 

Last week we found out he had (stolen) bought $1400 worth of in app purchases in games. He disabled the child lock. He knows we dont have that sort of money - he didnt just do it by accident either. He did it to teach us a lesson or some sort of control when he had been told off for minor things in the house or if he had to do a chore. He admitted that. 

We have taken away his smartphone and console perminantly. There is nothing else we can do. He obviously can't pay us back. 

He has no sign of empathy or remorse as far as I can see. To be honest the punishment isn't working as now he will just do other things like read a book. We could take everything away from him and he would be perfectly happy. 

I really don't know what else we can do. 

I find him to be so so spoilt from before i was there, completely lazy and selfish. 

I dont want to be round this kid - he's a complete time and attention sap. 

We are so good to him, supportive, he has everything he could of wanted, a secure a loving home, a comfortable life and here he is just thjis spiteful little sh*t.

Has anyone got advice? 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Not that this will help with SS but have you contacted your credit card company and told them your child made unauthorized purchases? I know it doesn't work all the time but I have heard of some companies reversing the charges for cases like this.

As for SS, I hope you took away any electronics. My boss's son actually racked up $7-800 on the PlayStation that I had to fight for them, it was on our company's credit card to top it off!

What did your SO say? What is the punishment for him? If it were my child I would start with a yard sale of all of his things to make up for the costs. Make him set it up and run it. Get rid of everything but his bed, some blankets and a couple of outfits. He thinks some basic chores are bad, wait until he sees what it is like living in essentially a jail. 

Winterglow's picture

Yup, and make him work the rest of the debt off. I'm sure you'll be very imaginative Smile

CastleJJ's picture

Absolutely this. He intentionally spent $1400 and disabled a child lock as revenge toward you and DH. I would be selling his gaming consoles, his phone, any other expensive toys/items, etc. until that debt is paid off. I would strip his room down to the bare minimum - bed, blankets, toiletries, and clothes. I would make him earn back the rest of his stuff one by one with chores, yardwork, volunteer work, etc. Your SS sounds like a narcissist - does he have mental health issues? Is he in therapy? 

What does your DH think of all this? Where is the BM in all this? Is SS with you full time. 

shamds's picture

No bed frame and no wardrobe. He can live out of a bag or box. 
 

i used to work in insurance and if a minor kid took parents car for a joy ride while away and never had permission to, we recovered off them. Of course parents never went ahead because most parents wouldn't consider suiting their kid. 
shame such a thing doesn't exist with unauthorised credit card purchases aka theft

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yep. A smartphone and a console will sell for a few hundred bucks. Credit him federal minimum wage for chores until he "pays back" the full $1400. It will only take him about 200 hours in labor.

I'd also take his books and other items that he uses for fun until he gets chores done for the day. If he wants to be stubborn and not do anything, he can sit in his room with absolutely nothing but his clothes and furniture. I'd even consider fixing him only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (or equivalent) on days he refuses to do his chores. Keep him well fed, but it can be with something boring.

ETA: I agree with others saying try to get the money back from your credit card company BUT ALSO sell his stuff and make him work off the debt. If he had stolen from anyone else, the justice system would likely make him pay back what he stole PLUS do community service of some sort, so it's not a bad plan to make him do this.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Fair point!

And given his shenanigans with the other kids' food, I'd lock everything up EXCEPT PB&J items.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Agreed. It's not fair for the other kids to go hungry/miss out. I teach my children to not be selfish, greedy, steal. AdultSkid is a food thief too. My son is appalled by his half brother's behavior. AdultSkid has been overweight for a long time too. He's not starving.

Oldrosie's picture

The thing is - we could sell everything in his room and it wouldn't make that back. His console sells for $300 his iphone $200 maximum. We have taken them away. We are going to make him pick up litter from the beach and maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen so he can see how people really live. 

Sometimes I hate that he is in my life and he makes me want to leave. I was so happy with it was just me and my DD. 

The problem is even though he has lost everything he is still stealing and lying. He even snuck down stairs and ate all the food I bought for school lunches in the night so the other kids didnt have their packed lunches today.

 

We are going to look at a child psychologist - he does have mild ADHD but I really really don't think its an excuse. He knows right from wrong - he just doesn't care. Classis sociopath.

justmakingthebest's picture

Not that this is the same, because it isn't- but I have found with SS21, who is Autistic, that it has to "hurt" him. He doesn't have empathy, he just can't mentally put himself in someone else's shoes. It has to be personally important to him. 

For example, he wouldn't brush his teeth. This was a never ending fight. So I stopped fighting and made him pay a dental bill that was over $600. He only makes $10/hr, so you can imagine that he figured out how much he had to work to pay that bill. He now brushes and flosses and used listerine like a crazy person. He even buys his own so it is the brands he likes. No longer a fight. (Now if I can figure out how to make him shower LOL!)

For those that don't feel empathy, in order to make in impact, it has to affect them either negatively or positively. Your DH is going to have to make this HURT for him. I am also a big fan of logical consequences. He stole, therefore his valuables are being sold to replace it. If he wants to earn back those belongings he is going to have to work for that too. This is a really excellent life lesson for him if your husband chooses to teach it. 

Cover1W's picture

He may not have the items or $ that add up to $1400 but you sure can make chores (charged at hourly minimum wage rates) add up. If this is out of the question, i.e. your DH does not support working off the funds, then you've got a bigger problem. Stealing shoudl have ramifications more than just paying it back - interest and your time spent on this should be calculated into the amount owed.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Seriously, explain to him he needs to pay for his debts and that means selling all of his non-essential items.  If you continues to steal it adds to the debt that he needs to cover.  I'd suggest a different solution if you had a remorseful child who had gotten carried away with a game and mistakenly bought all the apps but it sounds like you are dealing with something different.

CLove's picture

He used to make his SS the "chore b!tch" of the household. So, instead of taking things away, his skid would work all day long. The never ending chore list.

In addition to everything else recommended such as selling what you can. Perhaps set up a lemonade booth to make some cash. Thats a lot of money to just disappear. SD22 Feral Forger did that to Toxic Troll (haha), except it was around 2k. And she was locked out of her account. 

If you dont do something REALLY extreme now, you will forever be locking down your entire household.

I would also recomend nanny cams, and let kiddo know you are watching his every move.

MissK03's picture

If I had it my way... chore b!ches would have happened often in our house.. I didn't get my way though. *eye roll* I sooo wanted SS18 to scrub stuff with a tooth brush so many times LOL! 

Dogmom1321's picture

I would contact the credit card company ASAP. Report it as stolen information/fraud if need be. $1,400 is ridiculous and even moreso that SS did it to be malicious. For the next MANY Christmases, birthdays, etc. I wouldn't buy him a single gift. Put the credit card bill in a box with a bow on it. 

IDK about you, but chores wouldn't work for my SD. She's defiant and manipulative enough to make you NOT want to have her do chores. Prime example, she "forgot" she was using bleach and put it on the tv screen. Ruining a $500 (at least) TV. She either pretends that she doesn't know how to do stuff or manipulates and makes YOU wish you hadn't asked her in the first place. Just like how she also "forgot" how to fold towels. Um, no. She's just lazy and I don't have the patience to "teach" an 11 y/o how to fold. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would be in jail. Swear to DOG if some asshat kid purposefully ruined something else while being punished I would beat their butt with a wooden spoon! 

Felicity0224's picture

I've had friends in similar situations with kids on apps who were able to recoup the money spent by reporting it to their bank/card company and explaining the situation. I would definitely try that ASAP. But even if you do recover the money, SS should still earn it back either by selling his belongings or doing chores, or both. And this needs to be something that your DH heads up, not your responsibility!