Hi everyone. I think I've read about 50,000 posts on different sites where step parents are discussing the various issues they are facing in caring for step kids. :jawdrop:
Honestly, right now, I feel mixed emotions... on one hand people explaining my feelings are normal and then on the other side... its the step kids story.. and how hard things may be.. and the fact that they are kids... unaware of how comments or behavior may affect the adults around them.

I have recently been communicating to my partner about the concerns I have, and it hasn't gone well. My partner feels defensive naturally, i guess i can understand his perspective too.
I'm having feelings of jealousy towards my SD11 who is EXTREMELY clingy to her BD. I have two other SK.. SD10 AND SS14 who also love their BD THANKFULLY... but i dont feel jealousy towards them. HOW WEIRD! I thought if i felt jealousy towards my step kids id feel it towards all of them, but I dont... So now im in a position that is confused and lost.

SD 11 ... does not allow any other person including her siblings to sit next to their BD, she takes any opportunity just to have a physical connection, even after spending hours through out the day having complete attention, along with the other kids.. and doesnt feel comfortable anyone else sitting next to her BD. I understand kids miss their parents and want to juice every moment with them, but after a long day of cooking, cleaning, caring (because one child is sick almost every weekend)it's nice to sit near my partner or have a 10 minute conversation. *sighs* WTF?

I feel crazy because in general ALL of the kids are so beautiful, well behaved and respectful... I dont feel the 'lack of discipline' thing however I do feel that my partner makes the EXTRA effort to make sure she knows she is loved as she doesnt recieve alot of affection from her BM. I'm concerned for the other kids and they have mentioned to me that 'SD 11 always seems to be around their dad (they dont get alone time with him).

So apart from being well behaved there have been a few issues arising that have been hurtful, and im surprised at myself for getting sad and hurt over a simple child's comment ... after a WHOLE 2 DAYS of caring for SD11 after having a sever gastro and flu... and after being attentive and patient with a child coughing on breakfast ... she explained how 'the cup of tea her dad had made her was what made her feel better'... ONE THING MY PARTNER DID... and its praised and noted. I know as parents you shouldnt seek approval or a clap for your efforts but it felt like she was making a point to me... after she had repeated this 5 times around me without a reaction from me... with which i responded with a smile... and then i asked if the tea was the ONLY thing that made her better... the look in her eyes told me everything... she looked down and said 'well no... i guess the cough lollies are good too". But even after that resolved communication that happened without anger i still felt hurt and sad and unappreciated. My partner says she is ONLY a kid and i shouldnt take what she says to heart, but i feel like im wasting my time.
I've been thinking lately that even if i did 1 million things positive the one negative thing would be held to me forever... like even a slight conversation about something they had done wrong
I just dont feel this way towards the others as they never try to make me feel different than their dad... i dont know how these kids consciously do this... maybe im doing something right and they see that i do predominantly most of their caring... which neither Bio parent does for them. AND in the mean time im ALWAYS going to be their SM .. i dont want to replace the role of parent... but i feel like whatever i do, won't be appreciated as much as a bio parent. :((( i think this is most of our dilemas.

WTF??????????????? i dont want to feel this way anymore, its too overwhelming and lately i have been dreading the moment they come, because i know i will be facing little comments and the overt need for one child to completely need their BD at the cost of everyone in the household. I think im crazy, i wish i could just understand that she is a child and that she is going to express information differently, even if it supposed to be hurtful, i just need to keep in mind the 'child' factor.

Can someone please shed some light. I have been reading alot of posts where people are saying step parents who are jealous of their SK are sick and have low self esteem issues. I know i have insecurities but its not about the replacement of my position in the relationship. I dont know if this is confusing... maybe it is... but im in no state to be coherent. Right now im keeping this to myself as i feel any communication with my partner will result in him leaving me, as id be seen as the evil step mother.

any suggestions?

So I'm confused and lost... i dont know if im jealous of my partner or my SS11... i feel like a horrible person and like i shouldnt be a parent at all. Im reconsidering having children, and what if i feel this way about my kids? OH MY

Compared to so many stories here... i dont know... maybe im getting upset over little things... maybe i need help. Im seeking counselling soon and I have decided to no longer converse with my partner about his children. Its just a touchy subject and the other day when i explained that he should be aware of spending equal time with his kids... he claimed that he doesnt do 'a track record' of the time he spends with his kids and im just trying to control every aspect of his life. OH MY GOD ... i wish i never said anything to be misunderstood.

I have been feeling neglected lately by my partner (not sexually) but i feel as though we have no intimacy. No special time even through out the week. What do i do?