Help!! Marriage is in trouble
It took me 35 yrs. to find the man of my dreams and 40 to marry him. My wonderful husband has a daughter, separated when she was 2yrs and divorced when she was about 4. When we started out the step daughter was 12 and my husband "shared 50/50 custody". A year later i move in and find that her mother does not take her half the week but 1 night every other week and MAYBE 2 nights every other. Before moving in the date nights where she was to be with her mother & mom did show up did not seem like much. Come to find out the time he did have her his mother or sister watched her. Her mother was not a good mom to her more of a friend when mom was mad at her say for not calling her she would not talk to her for weeks. As time has gone on she didn't want to go to her mother. It has always been a struggle with her for me. My husband said i should just love has my own treat her special and things can be good. It's hard when she never wanted to "try and have a relationship" with me, so after 2 yrs i gave up. Now i still did all the "mom things" throw the b-day parties, made a big deal about grades, etc. It's been hard for me on so many levels to not appreciated for the things i've done and still do. I don't know who "they" are but with time it has not gotten been it has gotten worse!! 21yrs. still at home and her attitude is worse. In turn i have been reactive extremley heartless to her, i want her out of the house. The past year our incidences have been causing so much strain on our marriage.I'm not saying we don't have "normal" fights (you bought a boat with talking with me kind). Everyone says (even his family) " she'll be off to a year college soon just ignore her. Let just say if you know my SD she to "scared/ not the kind of person to want to ever leave home" type. SD would rather go back to it just being Dad and her. SD turned 21 over the weekend on Sat. night her friends came over to have pizza and take get an Uber driver. (Which my husband paid for pizza and Uber. Also taking her out to dinner the next day and giving her a $200 hundred dollars for her birthday) SD over reacted to me saying to include her dad in birthday cake with friends Sat. night. I thought i was going to get "okay dad come up stairs and have some cake". Not-I the I hate you, you reck everything. Husband supporting her reaction.
I have a lot more to say but i don't even know where to start...
Help
- NJStepMother's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
She is 21 and still living
She is 21 and still living there? ! Have you and DH discussed her launch and have a plan and date to do so?
If your DH is allowing her to disrespect you like that, it's going to be an uphill battle. Is counseling, with someone experienced in Steplife, a possibility?
It sounds like you are feeling resentful, justifiably. You need to stop doing anything for this adult. And if DH isn't discussing a 200 bd cash gift, I would separate my finances immediately.
Thanks for the input. DH will
Thanks for the input. DH will not discuss a launch date, i've tried he says i just want her out. (p.s. his sister stayed home until she was 30.)
Counseling is an option in which I'm will to but he thinks their full of it. But i've called a couple and one finally responded, only i can't get an appointment till the end of the month. As long as i get in.
I've said as much to DH that
I've said as much to DH that there should be an exit plan, but again as i've said- he states i just want her out. Now, to be truthful i do want her out!
Yes because she does not think i should have a say in the home that i'm suppose to be the "women of". Yet, he wants me to be the "mother she never had" but only when he thinks it okay!!
I could have a lot worse, she is not a bad person and i want her to be independent have self pride.
My Husband does not give her enough credit or should i say responsibility for herself. He still makes her doctors appointments.
She just got excepted to NOVA which is in FL (now i know she will not go- to far from daddy). But- i said i was proud of her and way to go thats great.
DH- I don't know is it safe? She just applied to get away for you. (Mind you she went to FL /NOVA 2 yrs ago to look at that school). I said to DH Rutgers has not responded to her and have you been to Rutgers recently? I have and it's not all that great either. Just be happy for her, she is happy- and we both know her very well do you think in the end she'd really go to FL?
But i want her out to know what life really is : for her to learn who she is: that we/I given her is a good life.
thank you for the advise.
This-100%
This-100%
thank you- it is very hurtful
thank you- it is very hurtful to me - the sad part is we could be so great! It's really upsetting and wrong of me to say but without her in the house (the very few time we have a get away ) we have the best life every!!
I don't want her out of his live or our but i think if she was not in the house we would all have a better relationship.
Sad though he does not see it that way. DH just see "i want her gone/ never excited" so not true.
thank you for your honestly
thank you for your honestly (though it hurts alittle) i needed another person perspective, this is why i reached out..
My sisters are identical
My sisters are identical twins and they quit going to highschool and were just living with my mom not working, not driving, and not going to school probably past 21. I had to take over. They moved in with me and I found a driving school and I drove them there every day until they passed. I got the financial aid paperwork and the college placement exam books and made them study and I turned in the paperwork and I had to pick their classes and force them to go. They weren't job hunting and so I went to Walmart and filled out the app on the computer for one and I went to Publix and filled out the app on the computer for the other one. I had to do a whole manner of things for them. They lived like slobs and hoarders. I had to pay for dental care. People would say to me, "Do you know how expensive babies are" when I got married and got pregnant and I'd say, "Do you know how expensive it is to raise two adults?" After one had been working at Walmart for awhile, I filled out an application for one sister to work at my job at the Sheriff's Office in the jail in booking. She got it and now has health insurance and benefits and has been working there over 10 years. The other one still works at Publix. They got their own apartment that I found for them and trashed it by not cleaning it and had to move into my grandma's garage for a good 5 plus years but now they are in their mid 30's and they work and they drive and one has a boyfriend and they finally have their own apartment.
My mom was a lot like your husband. If I hadn't of taken over, they'd still be mooching off my mom and not launched. She failed them as kids and teens and just gave up really. They fought me tooth and nail every step of the way. Again though these are my sisters, blood relatives, and not steps but I had to do the job my mom would not.
wow.. you're a great
wow.. you're a great sister!!! I hope they now appreciate all you've done and continue to do.
I wish i could do those things for my SD but because she is Step that would be wrong. My husband would not like it!!
thanks though!! You're awesome..