Please Please Please Help
:? I need advice really bad. My boyfriend and I haven't been together long but have been living together for quite a few months now. We moved in together only a couple of months after we started dating. I know this seems fast and it was, there is no way that I can deny that. However, there were circumstances. He was living with his father at the time, who was loosing the house. I was living on my own and having to do cash advances on my credit card to make ends meet. We had both been through a lot, relationship wise and otherwise. When we went on our first date it was amazing. We clicked perfectly. We have the same beliefs, hopes, dreams, and asspirations. I felt like I had met my soul mate and I never believed in soul mates before. We did know each other previously but timing is everything and apparently the universe put use together right when we needed each other and right when we were meant to find each other in an emotional way. I guess the bottom line is that yes, it was fast, but it was and is right. Unfortuately, my BF is still married. I DID NOT break up their marriage. There marriage was over 3-4 years before I came into the picture when she had affairs and decided she didnt want to be married anymore. When we met the divorce was in process. Since then she has decided she doesnt want the divorce ( I am not sure why she was the one pushing for it before but I am the first serious relationship he has had since her). I even told my BF that if he wants to be with her I will step aside, gather myself, and let them be a family. He does not want to be with her, he wants the divorce, and he wants to be with me and, yes, I am 100% sure of this. Over the past 8 months it has been constant badgering of me. She calls me names, speaks negatively about me to anyone who will listen, has tried to get me fired from my job, and so many more I can even begin to list it all. This brings me to the point where I need advice. She does not let my BF have his son on days he is suppose to because I am around. She feels that their son has no buisness being with me, EVER. She is taking him to court over this. I want to tell her that I am not trying to be her sons mother (because she has expressed that i am trying to take her place) but I do want to be a part of his life.
Basically,
1. we have not been together long but do live together and are planning on getting married once his divorce is final
2. she hates me for no reason that I can figure, I have been nice, told her I would like to take her to lunch. Had her son make her a card when she went away on vacation that said "welcome home mommy I love you and missed you" and he painted it and added stickers and stuff (her son stayed with us after much argueing with her).
3. she is trying to keep her son away from me and his father
4. she is trying to take legal action to make sure her son is not around me
5. what do i do? i dont want his son taken away from him or us... we are a good happy family. My BF is a mechanic, Im a teacher, and the two six year old boys love to be together... please please please help....
thanks
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Comments
Stay out of all communication
Stay out of all communication with her. If you want this relationship to work, don't start talking to the BM. Get a lawyer now to sure for 50/50 custody. He has rights. Other than the fact that he is not divorced and I have issues with that, but it is your perogative to do what you want. So no input on that. You just have to have the divorce done and make sure his rights are protected with his kids. Nothing you say or do, will make her come around. It just won't and all you will do is add fuel to her fire.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I have been battling with the idea of writing her a letter telling her that I understand that it is hard. I do not want to add fuel to the fire, I wish to get rid of the fire, but I think you are right when you say it doesnt matter what I do. The custody is done. The did the custody and divorce through mediation (the divorce needs to be finalized through the courts though). He does have joint legal custody and she has full physical custody. I dont know how that affects his rights though.
Step One: Move out until he
Step One:
Move out until he gets his "house" in order. I was in a similar circumstance. Believe me you WILL be sorry if you continue this relationship the way it is now.
Step Two:
Realize that even if they get divorced she will STILL turn the child(ren) against him and especially you. Which will result in a life of misery.
Step Three: Leave your relationship open and do us all a favour here on this website. . . find a nice CHILDLESS man who is your soulmate. There are plenty of them out there!!
I completely understand why I
I completely understand why I should move out and why we should not have moved in together in the first place until the divorce was final but we honestly have not other place to go. Neither of us have family that we can turn to and the family members that we do have are in worse shape than we are.
I understand that you seem disgusted with my situation and there is a part of me that understands this but regardless, I don't want anyone else.
Best wishes.
definitely not disgusted just
definitely not disgusted just a lot wiser now because I too allowed GG (biodad I live with ) to move in with me before he and the Behemoth (BM) were divorced.
Your story is one I could have written word for word. The Behemoth denied visitation because of me in the early years, then she reversed herself when she discovered internet dating and GG was carting them back and forth and entertaining them EVERY weekend (45 min one way) on MY dime!! I was nothing more than a maid and entitlement session facilitator. They destroyed my furniture and belongings seemingly on purpose b/c GG would never have boundaries for them at my house.
There was a lot of foot dragging to get a divorce by the Behemoth and then after 18 mos of stalling after I forced his and her hand, he allowed himself (due to guilt) to get absolutely sodomized sideways in the divorce.
To this day he regrets not getting a divorce sooner and he regrets (secretly) "taking the high road" with her. There are so many things that she did to injure him along the way I can't count all the drama.
Suffice it to say I was moving my file boxes around in the attic and the year after the breakup when GG moved in with me, the file box for "Child Support" and "Divorce papers" was so heavy it almost toppled me over.
I don't recommend this life path to ANYONE much less anyone UNDER 45.
You're already at a financial disadvantage so what will you do when the BM ramps up the PAS and goes for blood re: CS? In my case I have been financially supporting GG for over eight years now and he has 13 more to go. Yet I'm not appreciated for it one iota!
wow I feel silly now for
wow I feel silly now for saying what i did and I apologize. It seems like you had a very bumpy road. The ironic thing is that the child custody, support, visitation is already set. We pay the child support (he has never missed a payment) but it is just now that the visitation is becoming a problem because if they both work saturday and I am off (my BF gets his son every Sat and Sun night) my BF would rather he be with me than with someone else because it is his day and when he gets off of work he doesnt have to drive out of his way to pick him up (sometimes I work until 12 and can pick up my SS on my way home from work... my BF gets off at 5). So that is the only real problem with the custody. So she is taking him back to court to get it amended so that he cannot be with anyone but my BF ever. period. no babysitters, or his family, noone but him. The divorce is another matter completely. They have done divorce mediation and the papers just need dropped off at the court house. my BF works 8-6 mon-fri and 8-5 on sat. and she claims shes not going to do the divorce because "its to much hassle and easier to stay married." I honestly think that she wants to make it impossible for us to move forward. Howeever, they have mediation for the change in visitation this month and he is dropping the divorce papers off that morning.....
No need to apologize, the
No need to apologize, the thing is that under your "tight" situation, it's much, much easier for BF to "rely on your income," and to become a "guilty daddy" which we all know and dread here.
This is particularly true if you have a vengeful, jealous, spiteful BM on your hands, which it sounds like she is going to make your life hell. And BF will find himself "caught in the middle"
was the situation the same
was the situation the same though? I am being told mostly that because of the situation, it can happen that I cannot be around when his son is around....
Believe me that was one of
Believe me that was one of the first questions I asked. It basically boils down to he never had a reason to care. He hadnt met anyone that he was serious with until me and up until me she said she was taking care of it. It was in the process when we met. They had done the custody and divorce mediation. The only left to do is drop the papers off at the court house for a court date (for the divorce, the custody is finished completely) but when he got involved with me and we got serious she screeched everything to a halt. So he is now coming in and doing it.
I agree that she doesnt want him back. I have seen letters, messages, etc of what went on after she commited adulty (multiple times). He tried to make it work and she wanted nothing to do with him. She even has a BF.
I understand what you mean about this being the rest of my life. I do struggle with it because I am one of those people who think that life is to precious for it to be consumed by anger. I am not angry at her. If given the oppurtunity I would forgive her for everything and move on as friends. I am not so naive to think that this will ever happen though. I know that I probably have a better chance of living the lottery. My BF and I are a team and I honestly know with every cell in my body that we can get through everything if we stick together.
Thank you for your post! It helped a lot and you are right. I cant control her emotions or behaviors but I do control my own.
Thank you again.
WOW, great message
WOW, great message
Thank you so much. That makes
Thank you so much. That makes perfect sense!! I do believe I understand exactly what you mean.
And she just MIGHT find out
And she just MIGHT find out that the restaurant has rats and isn't exactly five star after all. (rose coloured glasses alert)
What is SS?
What is SS?
SS= stepson SD = Step
SS= stepson SD = Step daughter (most of the time, it can also be step dad depending on the context) SM is stepmom BM is birth mother I think there's a posting the FAQ about some of the abbreviations....
So when you say "ask for your
So when you say "ask for your SS in writing and have her deny it" you mean to write her and request permission to be involved in her sons life and have her deny it in writing?
Thank you so much. Your post
Thank you so much. Your post has helped me SO much! I will def take your advice!
WOW they gave it to you
WOW they gave it to you harsh! You know what this is not a perfect world. And many people are not running out to get divorces immediately because ITS A HUGE CHUNK OF CHANGE!!!! Also people's finances are not as prosperous in our ecomon.Also when men get cheated on it effects their eago. They could be great looking, have a good job, house, cars, family. But once the wife cheats, his ManHood is at stake.Woman bounce back from a cheating husband quicker than a Man.Anyhow...you found your soulmate. Awesome! As for the witch that is making your life havoc. She cant do shit.I wish I could say My ex is not allowed to take my son to his Mother's house just because I dont like her. But it dont work out like that. You really really really have to be a threat to the child and it has to be proven. For them to not let him have visits with you. She is just gelous and being a witch because thats what they do.Ignore her and it will piss her off more.
haha. yes they did give it to
haha. yes they did give it to me a little harsh. I appriciate the honestly though, it helps me grasp the situation from all angles. It does make me feel much better that someone does understand. I wish I could believe you 100% but I am still a little skeptical that she cannot do anything. Virginia is a weird state and has a few funny laws. It is actually against the law to live with someone that you are not married too (which doesnt hold up in court most of the time because it is a civil rights violation). Thank you for understanding that I do love him and I do believe that he is my soul mate. It is hard for others to understand because they do see it in black and white. Thank you for your post.
Your post makes perfect
Your post makes perfect sense. On the divorce, they did not own the house (it was actually her parents) and she still lives there. They did divorce mediation with no problems, she is just refusing to drop off the paperwork (the divorce mediation, custody agreement, and the official letter for the divorce) to the court house.
As far as visitation goes, they have it worked out already and she wants to modify it to say that if he is not with me then his son cannot be with me. This is mostly an issue on Saturdays. They both work and I am off and my BF wants his son to be with me because Sat is normally his day and he feels he has the right to decide who his child is with on his days. She feels that he should be with her parents on saturday until he gets off work at 5. I understand about him being with blood family but I would also like to spend time with him too. Not just for me but I also have a 6 year old and they love to spend the day together. Do I have any rights when it comes to that?
The other issue is when I do work on saturdays it is only until 12 and it is on my way to pick up my SS when I get off work. If my BF does it when he gets off at 5 he has to go out of his way and then back track.
any thoughts?
Wow that is really sad about
Wow that is really sad about your situation. I cannot imagine a child being pawned off like that. I can assure you that is not the situation with us. I didnt think I had any rights but it would be nice if I am doing something special with my son on saturdays it I could also take my SS. Think of it as my sons prefered friend to go do stuff with....
There definiately needs to be set times and there is. The problem is that the times were set before my boyfriend switched jobs.The other problem is that pick up and drop off is not 50/50 at all. She will get angry when says he will meet her halfway (instead of coming all the way to her house) and just tells him to forget coming and getting him so he goes the entire way.
I just talked to my BF and
I just talked to my BF and his agreement doesnt state anything about transportation... thanks that is something that needs to be changed!!!