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Newwoman's picture

I told dh this weekend it was time to divorce his wife. I used examples of people with more money divorcing and told him he could buy her out or she could buy him out but either way this needs to happen and happen now. He talked to her. She said she won't give up the company and he has to. Dh is refusing and he won't risk it losing it in court. So dh is at a standstill again. He won't risk losing his company and she is so desperate to stay married to him she won't sell her portion. How desperate can she get?? She hasn't been in the office for weeks but decided to come in yesterday and throw her weight around and all my office workers sucked up her a$$! I ignored her and when she left I called dh and lit into him. Enough is enough! All she does is drain from this comapny and its time we put our foot down and stop her bad behavior like the mutt she is. I also told dh its time to start spending this money we have accumulated and until the divorce I want everything in MY name! She thinks she can just take take take from this company and she is about to learn Ive had enough!!!

Comments

witch.hazel's picture

I'm sorry OP, but you're avoiding reality by calling him your "dh".

You're perpetuating a delusion by using the term "my office workers".

You are not married to this man, and you are not an owner of his company.

He's not going to get divorced. A lot of rich people never get divorced even if they don't get along because they don't want to split their assets or lose control of anything. They don't want the court to tell them what to do with their money or property. Your SO is having his cake and eating it, too by having you in his home.

If he's paying you a sizable check for your work in the company belonging to himself and his wife, you ought to save every penny until you finally come to face reality and leave him. If he isn't paying you well, you need to work elsewhere and save every penny so that you have a nest egg when the relationship ends.

Newwoman's picture

Ive always wanted a jeep. I think I will use my company card to buy myself one just to see what bm will do. I just texted dh and told him im buying me one on the company. If she can spend like crazy so can I!!

Acratopotes's picture

OP - who's names are on the registration documents for this company....

see if it's registered as 50% co-owners, then she does not have to sell to DH, he can still divorce her you know, they will remain business partners, totally separate from married partners...

if it's only registered in his name, he can still divorce her... she can demand 100% of the company or 50% of the company cause it's her income,
then the registrations documents are drawn up as such with a new date, in this case DH can bring in a clause she's a silent partner and will only benefit from the profits annually..... with a monthly salary, but keep in mind DH will also have a monthly salary and this is deducted as normal expenses before there's profit to share....

I do not think your SO wants to divorce cause he told you some stupid story,, and you have no proof, you are being stringed along till there's a new woman that catches his eye,

Newwoman's picture

The problem is that it is all in her name because it was her inheritance used to start the company. Dh has worked hard to make it what it is why she lounged and spent.

Acratopotes's picture

All in her name mwhahahaha thus DH only works for her.... no wonder he does not want to divorce... cause he will not have a job...

neither will you - see he's the one who does not want to divorce not her....she will loose nothing at all cause the company is in her name..

I suggest SO plays the abused victim and demand 50% in court with the divorce, hell if females can claim from males, I guess males can claim from females, he should actually go for 60 or 70% cause he build the company and yes they will probably grant ti to him....

this way he can get a divorce and at least 50% of the company on his name, where as currently the company is 100% on BM's name.... he's not buying her out... in court they will hand it to him, for free.....

I truly think he does not want the divorce, this way he has no obligation to marry you and he can move on to another young bee if he gets tired off you, see if you and SO breaks up - you can't claim anything from him, cause he does not have anything, it's all in his wife's name... quit the clever man if you ask me......

Acratopotes's picture

legally he does not, he did not give start up capital, his wife did, his name is on no registration documents, her's is

thus per law is merely and employee there just like you and nothing stops BM from retrenching the both of you

z3girl's picture

How long ago did he start this company? Has he really gone to an attorney to seek legal advice on this?

I am part owner in my company business. My share is in my name, and it was done long before I even met my DH. If I were to divorce DH, in my state DH would be entitled only to the the growth in the value of my share of the business, and not to a percentage of the actual company.

I'm not a legal expert, but depending on your state, BM would get her $25k back, and the actual business would be split, regardless of who's name it's in. If she doesn't actually work there, I don't see why the business couldn't run as usual with both remaining owners and getting income as someone else wrote. Honestly, it really does not sound like your DH WANTS a divorce. I can actually understand that (although not agree with it). My DH has told me (during fights) that he would not want a divorce even if we split up simply because he doesn't want the state telling him he has to pay me, even though he would. Stupid if either of us wanted to move on, but we're not splitting up, so it doesn't matter.

As for buying yourself a Jeep...yeah, not a wise idea. As an office manager, do you ever have to travel? You are not an officer of the company and therefore possibly entitled to a vehicle, and if you don't need to travel for work, you really aren't. That would be a huge red flag to an accountant. If your DH buys/leases the car, and CHOOSES to let you drive it, that's a bit different, although that's still a little questionable.

Newwoman's picture

They started it 12 yrs ago and dh has had legal advice. When they started it dh signed some papers that basically said he would receive a certain percentage as a spouse. No one is sure it can be over turned which is another reason why he is scared to divorce her.

witch.hazel's picture

And if she really starts buying things and issuing ultimatums, that will happen sooner than she thinks...(he'll find a new gf).

He doesn't want a girlfriend who acts like BM and spends money. He wants someone to make his life easier and to be a bed partner without causing him to change his lifestyle (or BM's).

princessmofo's picture

Ding! Ding! Ding!

still learning's picture

It sounds like he's the one who's desperate to stay married to her. He's had a wife and live in gf for 6 yrs now and you expect him to give it all up and for what? To marry you, let your kids inherit all his money, give you his business?! Sounds like he'd lose a lot and gain very little; and know that when a man marries his mistress it creates a vacancy.

Newwoman's picture

I am not a mistress and dh and i are basically married. We function and raise our kids together as a family. The only thing stopping us from acheiving our goals is our desperate and greedy bm.

WalkOnBy's picture

you ARE a mistress and you and that man are not "basically" married. You are single and he is married to someone else.

It's really not that hard. You are not his wife, he is not your husband and you are not a family.

queensway's picture

A mistress usually doesn't live with the married man and the relationship is kept a secret. Your relationship is out in the open and the husbands wife is well aware of it.

WalkOnBy's picture

nope, not always, queensway

In any event, this is not a family and she is a mistress

advice.only2's picture

Does second wife sit better with you then? Your DH is a polygamist.

z3girl's picture

THIS

He CAN divorce BM even if BM doesn't want to get divorced. It would be uglier, but he can start the ball rolling. He's choosing not to. Therefore, you really are not "basically" married.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

"Basically" married? Um, no. Legally, this man is married to another woman. It does not matter how long OP has been dating/living with this man. He is LEGALLY MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. Technically, he is her SO.

If OP's SO wants to get divorced, he CAN. It does not matter what BM wants. He can contact an attorney (or several) and move forward with divorce. There IS a possibility that he or BM will not have to buy out the other, but that means a) selling the company, b) continuing in the same capacity but as a divorced couple, or c) come to a new, legal agreement.

From what the OP has written about her SO, it sounds like he is paying lip service. Why should he change ANYTHING??
He has this company.
He has all of the benefits of the company as long as he remains married to BM.
He has all of the benefits of a live-in GF/SO.

This man is having his cake and eating it, along with ice cream, whipped topping, sprinkles, and an entire bottle of cherries.

DaizyDuke's picture

To be honest, you sound rather greedy. You are the office manager. Why would you be entitled to any of the fruits of this business other than your salary?? This business was inherited by BM, she has every right to spend lavishly if she wants, it's HER money!

What exactly are your "goals"?

Acratopotes's picture

Hon,

basically married does not exist... either you are or you are not.... there's no in between in any law...
and well you are his mistress, not even his girlfriend or fiance cause he's legally married and well not to you

please search the definition of a mistress, here's a definition for you

a woman (other than the man's wife) having a sexual relationship with a married man.
"Elsie knew her husband had a mistress tucked away somewhere"
synonyms: lover, girlfriend, paramour, kept woman, live-in lover; More
courtesan, concubine, inamorata, hetaera, sultana;
informalfancy woman, bit on the side, gun moll, (little) bit of fluff;
informalgirlf;
datedlady-love;
archaicdoxy, leman
"his wife never found out about his mistress"
archaicliterary
a woman loved and courted by a man.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

She probably sees you as a gold digger trying to steal the company started with HER inheritance... It's in the beholder... DH probably does have as much right to it, and the courts will probably see that. If not, it being his income he could probably get some awesome alimony going due to him working to get the company where it is. Also all assets are divided in divorce. So he'll either get crazy cash or part of the company, etc. idk if BM is necisarrily being greedy, she just may not want to lose the company and knows she won't have all of it or will take a deficit. To he it's probably just an inheritance thing, cuz that was what started it.

Legally, unless he's divorced, you can't even be his common law wife (assuming your state recognizes that) because polygamy is illegal....So unless the divorce happens she basically has legal hold over you. Even any accounts, should they include his name at all, could be garnished by her... It's tough that it's in her name. Only thing you'll super want to be sure of is that everything is DIVIDED in the divorce into both names. (Were stuck with some nasty loans BM took out in secret in his name during deployments. *eye roll* and even though the decree says both have to pay 50/50 of debt, it's hard to enforce because it was never officially divided)

still learning's picture

You're not basically married, you're cohabitating, and in the eyes of the law technically you are his live in mistress. If he booted you out tomorrow he would have no legal obligation to you whatsoever. You and your boyfriend have very different goals in life. He's trying to keep his life the same, stay married to BM, keep his business and job, and keep his girlfriend/nanny. He wants it all with no sacrifice involved. You moved in on a situation that you thought you could change. Basically you want to be BM but she's still in the picture and she's not leaving willingly.

Even if he does divorce her I don't see the two of you being very happy. His comfortable lifestyle and livlihood will be gone, he'll have no job, and be paying child support and possibly alimony to BM. He's the sugar daddy he is because of his rich wife. What will your children inherit from him when he's penniless? You may even have to hock your $2500 ring to pay the rent one month.

He wants a woman who will take care of him, BM. You want a man to take care of you and your kids, but BM is the one really supporting and employing all of you. Honestly you should be thanking this woman rather than trying to get rid of her. Suck it up and be a good Sister wife.

skatermom's picture

I didn't even think about the Child Support! He's not paying nothing now, because he's not divorced. Oh, this is going to be a mess!

Disneyfan's picture

There is no such thing as basically married. That man has a wife and you ain't it

WalkOnBy's picture

WORD!!!!

being "basically" married is kinda like being "basically" pregnant Blum 3

witch.hazel's picture

That's a delusion. If a man wants to marry you, he will do whatever it takes.

A lot of women have put themselves in a position to be living and raising children with a married man. We read about it quite often here on this site. Not one of them has ever been successful in getting a divorce accomplished because the man does not want to change the way things are. It would be much easier for him to get rid of you. I'm not even saying this to be mean. It's something I've learned from life.

Newwoman's picture

I appricate the honesty. Dh is just scared of losing his company. He tells me all the time once bm dies he won't have to worry anymore and we can get married. We have to wait till she sells or dies.

JustAgirl42's picture

Uh oh, I feel a 'Dateline' story unfolding. Don't do anything stupid. Wink

BethAnne's picture

So how is her health? How old is she? How many years does he estimate he’ll have to wait? Has she left her rights to the company to your partner in her will?

Newwoman's picture

I imagine she is healthy although she is rode hard and put away wet. Shes nasty looking. Dh had to be drunk to sleep with her.

secret's picture

Well that's charming..... :jawdrop:

.....annnnddd I laughed.

zerostepdrama's picture

And drunk when he married her and drunk when he had kids with her :?

BethAnne's picture

I’m worried about his liver. They seem to have been married for quite a while. He might not out live her.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

BM sounds like she's living a carefree life while her husband is under a lot of stress...

hereiam's picture

Wait until she dies? How old is she? Is she ill? That's the dumbest thing I've heard in awhile.

Both of them have good reason to want to keep the business going. She makes an income from it, so does he, and he has built it into what it is (which gives her that income). It seems that they should be able to come to an agreement and get divorced (they basically have that agreement, now, while married). Not a lot has to change, business wise, if they are both smart about it.

He is feeding you a bunch of crap. If he really wanted to be divorced, he would be divorced.

still learning's picture

"We can get married when my wife dies..."

Yeah he really loves you and puts you first.

Even if she dies there is no guarantee that DH is going to inherit it all. If BM is smart, and it sounds like she is then she'll have already legally taken care of her side of the business in the event of her death. I'm hoping that 100% of the assests will be funneled into a trust for her children that can't be touched until they're 25.

witch.hazel's picture

Well, I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing you're young and you will have to go through some things before you're middle aged like me and know that all you can count on in life is yourself. Please do save all of your money that you can- get a Roth IRA, bank everything you can for as long as you can.

princessmofo's picture

"And the most valuable lesson would be to learn a man is not and never will be all that you think he is."

^^^THIS 1000%^^^ You can't impart much better wisdom then this. Well said, StepRight... well said.

moving_on_again's picture

I can't tell if this is real or not so I have been reluctant to post.

You are the mistress, the man you are with is married. I am not judging you, just pointing out facts. I have been a mistress more than once.

You are delusional if you think that your SO is going to get the company when BM dies. She's going to leave it to her children.

You are delusional if you think she can't fire you. She OWNS the company, she can do whatever she wants.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Moving_on, everything you said is spot on.

Things the OP said in her previous blog that really stand out to me...

* Dh just keeps her happy by giving her so much of the profit every month.
* Did I mention dh is a cheapskate? (Um...not when it comes to BM.)
* He won't treat himself or us to anything. I told him that I want to take my kids skiing this year like our friends take their kids and he said no but I saw a text where bm asked if he wanted to buy sd new ski clothes/boots/skis for Christmas since she needed them and he said yes.
* He and bm broke up because they both wanted to sleep with other people and sd was a result after their split of a drunken party hook up. ~'drunken' is likely the term HE used~

Also, WHY would this man's children want to go to OP's children's events?? It does not matter if he and his wife were already living separately. It is quite likely that they see OP as an interloper AND the reason why their parents are not together. After all, they were still hooking up after their split. Honestly, their 'split' sounds more like an open marriage. :?

witch.hazel's picture

I've been a mistress as well, moving on- and waited for the day that never came, until finally realizing YEARS into it, that I was the one being played and needed to leave. The biggest regret I have is not having saved my money during all of those years. I'd have about $150,000 more in the bank right now. Instead, I struggled because there is no common law anymore, I was entitled to nothing, and all he let me take was some old used furniture, and an old car that broke down and couldn't be fixed in less than a year.

I had people telling me to save my money during that time, and would not listen. I felt that if I saved my money, somehow that would make me independent and we would be more likely to break up. That is some delusional thinking.

And I also thought his wife would pass away. She developed an illness with almost zero chance of survival, and she is still around, many years later. They are still married, and he is supporting her every need to this day.

I want to convince younger women SO badly to never go this route. But no one ever listens, just as I did not.

moving_on_again's picture

Mine actually has a happy ending, well, so far. But they were truly in a loveless marriage and she has since married a woman.

Although, when I was 21, I was dumb or naive enough to believe a guy that was 10 years my senior tell me that his wife "didn't mind" if he dated other girls. That guy was a true narcissist. Funny part is he ended up divorced (not because of me, there were several other girls he was dating) and married to a chick that gave him herpes.

beebeel's picture

I once worked for a publisher who, many, many years before my employment, left his wife for an ad rep. A few decades later and he was married to the side piece whom he made ad manager. That story and the labels homewrecker and gold digger still followed her like stank on skank when I was hired.

She was miserable because she was in WAY over her little giving-married-men-blow-jobs head and couldn't hack it as the ad manager. The newspaper industry was in the tank and they had to sell their sweet riverfront house. No one at the paper had an ounce of respect for her. Even "happy endings" are rarely so in these sordid tales. Thought I would share during story time. Smile

Thumper's picture

How old are you OP?

Cant say I don't blame her for not selling and/or signing the divorce papers. She has nothing to loose. SHE already has it all. And if she wanted you, she can fire you!!

Mistress are smarter than this.

One more thing
Employees don't have to kiss her rear--my guess is they have taken her side and you may look like the town tramp. Back in the day you would have been run out of town. I remember it happening and you would hear whispers from the adults.

Good Luck with this one.

BethAnne's picture

Mistress are smarter than this.

I-m so happy
This. Op I know your don’t feel like a mistress but effectively you are in the position of one but because you haven’t realized it until now you have not been acting like a mistress. Decent mistresses know that this is a temporary state. They know that their man offers them little long term stability in his own right. So they use thier position to make sure that they are properly compensated for their precarious position, while at the same time keeping their man happy. Buying a Jeep without your partners permission is not smart. Getting him to buy it for you because he loves you and wants to spoil you (or protect you or whatever emotion you hang on it) is the smart way to go. Saving up and investing your income while you live off of his is the smart thing to do to protect your future and that if your children. I am sure someone somewhere has written books about all of this to give you a starter. It sounds like your partner is a saver rather than a spender so getting him to save or invest some money in your name may be an easier sell than getting a Jeep. It will also be a much better investment for you.

hereiam's picture

I told dh this weekend it was time to divorce his wife.

Seriously, do you see nothing wrong with your first sentence?

You need to care more about yourself than to live like this.

Puzzled9401's picture

A few points I would like to make:

1. His wife has every right to the company SHE built with her husband and frankly would be stupid to let her husband buy her out of a highly successful business.

2. Your husband is weighing being married to you with possibly losing some control over the business and unfortunately for you the business is winning.

3. You sound like a gold digger and your boyfriend’s sons probably read into that. Your boyfriend will too if you are not careful.

4. Your children have no right to inherit anything from your boyfriend. His children are the ones who will be eventually in charge of this business as is their right.

5. You are an “office manager” and the only one who seems truly interested in changing your status is you, not even your boyfriend. Your coworkers suck up to his wife because she is their boss, maybe they actually even like her, and probably secretly know you are a gold digger too.

6. Be careful because you could waste years waiting for this to change and the older you get the less attractive you’ll look to a boyfriend who already doesn’t value you enough to make it legal. He just might find someone else to string along with his money.

IDontCare3117's picture

"All she does is drain from this comapny and its time we put our foot down and stop her bad behavior like the mutt she is. I also told dh its time to start spending this money we have accumulated and until the divorce I want everything in MY name! She thinks she can just take take take from this company and she is about to learn Ive had enough!!!"

WE put OUR foot down? Money WE have accumulated? Who is this "we" of which you speak? You certainly aren't part of either equation. That company in no way, shape or form belongs to you, and I doubt you have much authority in how it's run. So what if your boyfriend's WIFE doesn't come in everyday. She's an owner - she's allowed. Believe me, she's not desperate to stay in her marriage. She's doing what she needs to do to protect her and her kids' financial future.

Don't be so sure you can't be fired, either. If you live in an at-will state you can be fired for just about any reason at all. Go ahead and use the company credit card to buy yourself a new Jeep. Let's see how quickly that gets you escorted to the door.

You're not married to this man, and you're not going to BE married to him any time soon. He's not going to leave his WIFE, and you're not going to step into her expensive lifestyle. You'll remain the side piece and nothing more.

You remind me of a family friend who stayed with a married man for more than half her life. She waited for his kids to grow up and get out of the house, she waited for man's wife to pass away, she waited and waited and waited. The kids got grown and gone, and the wife outlived him. The family friend was barred from the wake and funeral. She also got NOTHING from his estate. Say hello to your future.

queensway's picture

IDontCare3117 I don't think she cares. The heart wants what the heart wants. She wants him to leave his wife.

IDontCare3117's picture

She can want a lot of things, doesn't mean she's going to get them. In this case, it's doubtful he'll leave his wife.

Willow2010's picture

I told dh this weekend it was time to divorce his wife.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I stopped reading after this.