DH thinks I love both his kids. I'm sure that I've told DH that I loved both his children through clenched teeth. I care for the kids and I obviously put their health and well-being first before anything else. DH think that I love the kids and that I want them around, but the truth is I would rather have the kids live with their mother full-time. The reason we have them is because their mother is a mess who doesn't want responsibility of them.

I'm certain that I love SD even though she can be a pain in the butt. I'm most annoyed by her when I see traits of her mother coming out of her, but, generally, she is more her father's daughter. So, there are times when I simply adore her, just like there are times when I adore her father. I tell her that I love her and she says it back and it's very natural. She's hitting her teenage years, so I don't know if our relationship will change, but I see myself being close to her as she grows older.

I'm certain that I don't love SS. He annoys me a lot on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like I'm a horrible person for not liking or loving him, because my reasons sometimes seem petty. He doesn't maintain good hygiene, so I never want to touch him. He chews his food loudly. When he breathes and it's quiet in the room, it sounds like he's having a bowel movement. It's so bad that if I'm in a room alone with him, I have to leave, because I'm so annoyed by the sounds that he makes. He wastes DH's money on a regular basis (but this is DH's fault more than anyone else's). He is generally selfish and nosy, but he's also only 10 years old. There were clear reasons for me not to love him two years ago. He was angry, emotional, and physically violent towards my dog and his sister. He's improved his behavior, but I can't get over the past and the sight of him usually just puts me off.

I haven't been honest with DH about my feelings towards his children. He knows that I'm annoyed by the kids a lot lately. He also knows that I'm wary of SS and that SS annoys me. He thinks I need to just just act lovingly and I will feel closer to SS. But the problems are deeper than just that. And, SS isn't my child, so I really don't want to try that hard just to have SS do something that will annoy me and put us back where we were. I don't see anything in SS that is like his father (they don't share the same genetics) which also makes it hard for me to bond with SS. And, I just don't want to try, but DH forces me to hug SS and act more motherly towards him.

I kind of wish that I didn't take too much interest in his children to begin with. Apparently, DH didn't have any expectation that I would love his kids to begin with. In fact, he's never said I love you to his stepfather of more than 20 years. But, I'd taken so much interest in the well-being of his kids in the past three years that he believes that I truly love both of his kids. He doesn't know that I really don't want the kids around at all. I'd be jumping for joy if we were the ones who didn't have custody and saw the kids every other weekend.