Transporting Possessions Between Houses
To what extend should a parent limit, allow, or restrict their child's possessions to be transported between their home and BM's home?
Personal Background: DH has 50/50 and pays child support for SD8. In our home, SD has very nice things many purchased by DH and myself others as gifts from DH's family or my family. In our experience anything that leaves our house with SD will not come back. That includes lunch boxes, water bottles, new shoes, hair bows, toys, ect. I even had a situation once where BM threw away one of my nice tupperware (that was packed in SD's lunch) because "it was dirty". SD has a terrible memory and regardless of if it is her fault or her mother's, I've come to accept that once it leaves our house, it will not come back.
DH has a very strict policy which was in place even before I was in the picture, limiting what is allowed over to BM's to practically nothing. He feels strongly that his CS should be providing these things in BM's house and that he shouldn't have to go above and beyond to supply BM with toys/clothes/shoes ect. But then it begs the question, whose possessions are they? The child's or the parents? Personally, I feel like up until a certain age, a parent must take responsibility for their child's things. Would you let your toddler bring their new favorite toy to day care where you are fairly certain it will get broken or forgotten? Maybe you would the first time, to let the lesson be learned, but should you allow the pattern to continue?
Unfortunately, now that SD is school age, the last few years have been absolute hell. DH drops SD off at school, BM picks SD up from school, and DH picks SD up on his evenings from BM's house. By the time he get's there, school clothes have been changed and backpack has been emptied. We've had issues with BM not sending school clothes (uniform), not packing a lunch box, a water bottle, or in shoes SD can't wear to school. We are then forced to pull out the new one we just bought as a back up. Then you guessed it, we never see it again. I can't keep purchasing these items!
DH's new strategy has been to tell SD, "sorry here is your lunch in a plastic bag, if you can't remember your lunchbox this is what happens." I've also gotten to the point where I won't allow SD to wear hair bows to school, which is absolutely sad to me. But we've just gone through so many, and they never come back. These strategies work for little things, but what happens when BM sends her -in the middle of winter- in shoes that have holes? We have a nice new pair of shoes for our house, so of course DH let SD wear the new ones to school. The next time he picked her up, she's back in another pair of old holey ones. When asked why, she says she couldn't find the new ones at BM's house.
I don't want the child to suffer, but what do we do?
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Yes DH has a CO, no it
Yes DH has a CO, no it doesn't say anything about possessions. DH and BM have joint custody.
SD is still too young for
SD is still too young for those types of expensive items, but yes the inexpensive items add up. Part of the problem is that I'm likely getting too emotionally attached. I personally picked that jacket out for her, and yes it's annoying when I never see it again. The second part of the problem is that DH is a typical guy and doesn't take notice of the little things like jackets, shoes, and hair bows. As long as his child is clothed, he doesn't notice that it was the nice new jacket with her name embroidered on it. (extreme example SD doesn't actually have one of these.)
Based on this DH is terrible at even knowing what to nag BM, and obviously I can't do that. (Though I did like someone's idea of a list.) It feels wrong to constantly nag SD because she is so young and this is likely her mother's fault. I would hate for SD not to have nice things, but again feel awful when DH and I won't let her take her nice things out of the house. What is the point of the nice jacket if she can never wear it?
I don't let SD go to her
I don't let SD go to her mothers in anything sentimental/anything i've bought her. She only sees her mother once in the summer and on some holidays, but when she goes, I usually make sure she's dressed in "average" clothing. I like picking out cute outfits for her complete with matching shoes, purses, etc. so I don't send items I know I put a lot of time into choosing. I also often will grab her 2-3 pairs of sweatpants/tshirts/pants that are on sale just because they're 5 bucks and it's good to have lots of items because she grows fast. THOSE are what we send her to BMs in.
We don't worry too much about stuff not coming back that way. And I'm fairly certain BM does the same thing. On holidays, though, BM sends SD back with all the toys she got from BMs side of the family and it drives me nuts. Before xmas I go through SDs room and get rid of tons of toys because they accumulate throughout the year and I want to make room for the new stuff she gets. And she always gets WAY more than I expect because my family/DHs family goes a bit crazy (and so do we, admittedly). So when she comes back with even MORE stuff from BMs it's annoying. lol.
Daddy needs to lay down the
Daddy needs to lay down the law to mommy. For children who are still young and I consider 8 still pretty young, it is the parent's job to ensure that everything that they brought with them goes home.
I'm not sure how the pickup goes (like mom is dropping her at school vs dad pickup at BM home). But, I would think about sending child with an inventory sheet of the clothes/shoes/items she had at drop off. I would check that list before leaving the pickup.
Actually, a list might be helpful for the girl to remember to gather all her stuff.
If the issues continue, those holey shoes are the ones she goes back to her mom wearing next time.
^^^^^^^^^^ This. This is what
^^^^^^^^^^
This. This is what we went to. Then we went to buying them NOTHING as far as clothes were concerned. That's what CS is for. And we stopped caring what they looked like. If we had a super dressy occasion here, we bought the outfit, but it stayed here. Other than that, it was BM's job to purchase the clothes.
And dear dog, with the Tupperware. Thank dog their school went to all free lunches. That woman must be stocked with Tupperware for life. I'm sure she cackled every time she put one of ours up into her cupboard.
I think the problem the OP
I think the problem the OP would face is that you can't stop everything especially when the exchange is at school.
You can't exchange them naked. lol.
Well, I guess if dad dropped kids at mom's house, made them change immediately and had them bring clothes right out that day to him.
We have tried... BM will a)
We have tried... BM will a) flat up refuse, because she needs the item more b) say the item was lost, broken, or left at school. c) claim the item is in the wash and can send it next time and never follow through.
These have all seriously happened.
Shoes... kids usually have
Shoes... kids usually have more than one pair. I would maybe even designate a "cheaper" brand for the Friday exchange. If the kid comes home in different shoes, those are the ones they wear to go back to BM.
DH has done that. SD came to
DH has done that. SD came to us on the weekend wearing flip-flops instead of her school shoes. BM claimed she forgot the other shoes at grandma's house. So DH informed BM that she could either bring the school shoes back before the next switch day or SD would be wearing flip-flops to school on the switch day. Since it was a Catholic school that required black or brown close-toed shoes, DH figured it would have caused embarrassment for BM since it was also her home parish and push her into at least taking the shoes to school. (DH was raised Lutheran and I'm non-denominational but BM is devoted Catholic.) But the shoes never made it to us or the school. So DH (in order to not punish 6yo SD) took a late lunch break and went to the school aftercare at 3pm. He made SD switch her shoes from the new uniform-compliant ones to the flip-flops. One of the teachers asked why and SD explained loudly that Mommy kept forgetting to send her school shoes back to Daddy's house, so Daddy needed to keep this pair so SD wouldn't get in trouble. This was how DH had explained the night before to SD about why he needed to have her flipflops in his truck only DH never blamed BM. SD added that part. Oddly enough BM never forgot to send important things back again. }:)
My DH's Ex would try to send
My DH's Ex would try to send the kids in old stuff.
One time the YSD (11 at the time) came out in a jean miniskirt that was clearly two years old and it was so short and tight that her underwear was clearly showing when she sat down.
I was picking her up at BM's house by myself that day.
But I told her to go change that I wasn't taking her with her underwear showing.
Her mother came to the door and gave me a death stare and said very loudly in a fake voice. "Ok honey, because you are going to SM's house you have to follow her rules.. go change".
I know mommy put her in that outgrown outfit so we would buy new. lol. Foiled.
OMG This^^ lol. I can't tell
OMG This^^ lol. I can't tell you how many times we've picked up SD with the intention of going out to dinner, but are embarrassed to take her to the restaurant in whatever BM dressed her in. We have actually gone to the extent of bringing a change of clothes if we know we are going somewhere important immediately after picking her up.
Same here. I think if you
Same here. I think if you know ahead of time what you might be faced with, you can plan accordingly.
It was a bit awkward for me though since I was doing the pickup and not DAD. But to be honest, he probably would have just let her come in what she was wearing.. he is extremely low conflict.
Yes of course she goes back
Yes of course she goes back to BM's in bad clothes/shoes (usually whatever she came in). But that only works if the drop off is at BM's house. When drop off is at school, DH and I feel more uncomfortable sending her in mismatched, too small clothes that are inappropriate or against the dress code.
The kids were never allowed
The kids were never allowed to travel between houses with anything other than the clothes on their backs by BM. DH said she actually threw a screaming fit in front of him at SD (5 at the time) for trying to bring a stuffed animal from BM's house to DH's. And SS (around 6 at the time I think) came back to us crying because BM threw away his toy that he'd taken from our house. Now that the kids are older, we let them take stuff from our house to BM's, but it's not allowed in reverse. DH and I have always been of the opinion that the kids have the right to bring their belongings back and forth and if it gets lost, oh well. When the cell phone starts travel I'll probably have a little more anxiety about it getting lost, but we'll have tracking and as much protection as possible on it.
Can you give him a small
Can you give him a small checklist to go over with SD before he leaves with her? It would help him get the items back and also teach her how to get her stuff together after having to run back in a few times.
My DH is strict about SS
My DH is strict about SS bringing things from BM's. The last thing we need is her to throw a fit over a two dollar toy that gets broken over here. SS is five and lives with us during the week his school has uniforms so when he leaves to go to BM's he wears his uniform there. She only has him for the weekends so there's no reason for her to keep the uniform. It's easier to remember what SS comes and goes in now. Sometimes BM tries to send SS home with treats and crap from the gas station but most of the time it's forgotten once he gets here. I wish she'd stop wasting her money on these small little parting gifts but I know it's just a way she tries to get a piece of her in our home.
We don't swap bags or equipment. When SS was in football or tball we would change him before or after practice. Of course BM caused a fit because it's not her in control but we've tried letting things go in the past that came back damaged in the very beginning so we aren't chancing it with more expensive stuff.
I hear you. I struggle with
I hear you. I struggle with this . I do believe a child's possessions are theirs and I let them
Take their stuff to their dad's. Nintendo dsi have never been seen again as well as chargers for electric scooters. Expensive formal dresses GONE. I have to buy about 10 water bottles and lunch boxes or more! Uniforms were the worst. They are getting better as they get older though at 7, 9, and 11. It sucks
Yeah, I gave up that battle
Yeah, I gave up that battle over a year ago.
Lost many things, shoes, coats, sweaters, toys, winter hats/gloves/scarves, books (library books too), homework, tupperware, lunch bags, etc., etc., etc.
I stopped buying clothing of any sort for them, nothing.
Unless it's a gift like for Xmas. And it's something I don't care about like cute socks.
I told DH that I was no longer replacing food containers, period. He buys them if we need more.
Only THIS YEAR has he been on top of it. He's the one replacing things, getting upset if SDs don't have the proper clothing with them, or any shoes for the rainy weather. He has 50/50 and pays CS. He's been pushing back on BM more so SHE'S buying the essentials. If he gets stuff for our place specifically and it goes away then that's on the SDs (they are 11 and 13 now) and if you have no sweaters at our house, then too bad.
I stay out of it. He asked me this weekend, "Hey, BM is taking the SDs clothes-shopping. What do they need?" Me, "I don't know, I don't take care of or monitor that any longer."
I don't think it's sad. A lot
I don't think it's sad. A lot depends on the age and gender of the skid. In my case, SD is 8. It's less so now that she's getting older, but for the majority of the last 3 years, I've been the one in our house who helps her dress/get ready. DH is a guy, isn't fashionable, and can't match two socks to save his life; so I stepped in to help. As a result, I guarantee you I can answer more questions about SD's current clothing inventory than he can. He's clueless. Does that make him a bad father? Absolutely not. Clothes/fashion aren't his thing, but he knows plenty of other things about his daughter and bonds with her in other ways.
Unfortunately taking the high
Unfortunately taking the high road with these issues results in very expensive losses.
Any school clothes, toys, electronics right down to good freaking socks and underwear stay here when SS visits BM. He wears the same outfit she sends him back in whenever she saw him last (washed of course). Its horrible but we cannot afford a $30 pair of pants to be worn once and then fall into the black abiss of BM's life. If she doesn't like how he's dressed she can use some of the money she doesn't pay us for child support to get him some suitable clothing. And that came straight from a CPS worker.