It's a start..
I have been married and a step-mom for just over 6 months now. Step kids are 9 and 14. It has been an interesting experience to say the least. Some days I wonder if I will ever make it through.
You would think that being a teacher would make me better prepared for this whole thing because I work with kids on a daily basis... BUT....
It is a constant struggle. Between my husband and his ex and their hatred for each other and her interesting (not very effective) parenting methods, 50/50 custody, a crazy mother in law, and me - who was never sure of having kids of my own.... some days I just want to scream or run away and just not deal with any of it.
I have been told that I am adjusting incredibly well. But I feel like it is the other way around. My husband and his kids have adjusted to having me around and most of the time seem to enjoy having me as part of their family - All while I am wondering if they love me and want me around for me or because I cook and clean and work my butt off to support myself and my share of family needs. My husband doesn't seem to understand that it is not easy for me to adjust and love his kids as he does. I don't know that I ever will to be honest. I like them. They are good kids. But they are not mine. I feel so cold by actually typing those words but it is how I feel.
It is so easy to get stuck in the negative and be bogged down by the sudden influx of responsibility and lack of freedom that I was so used to. I don't want to be one of those wife's/stepmom's that get so bogged down that the only solution seems to be the worst I can imagine. I love my husband. I like being married. I like his kids. I want to make the most of this new chapter in my life.
I found this website in hopes to help me see the good, the bad and the ugly and to build a support system of friends who know the kinds of feelings I'm constantly dealing with.
so here's to working through the frustration and the hard times to better enjoy the good and memorable times!
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Comments
It's ok to not LOVE your
It's ok to not LOVE your step-kids. Think of it this way:
Do you feel that the kids have to love you just because their farther does? Or, if you had children of your own, would you expect them to love his children?
The two of you fell in love with each other. Too many people make the mistake of believing that the kids also have to love the new adult and/or that all of the kids in the new blended family have to love one another too.
It just doesn't happen that way. People who think it does end up in serious, serious trouble.
Romantic love aside (because it's an entirely different beast), love takes a lot of time to grow. Do you have any close friends? Would you say that you "love" them? Any other adults in your life that you aren't related to, that you would say you "love?" How long did it take you to get there? I bet it took YEARS.
Count your blessings that you even LIKE your step-kids. I tell ya, you are leaps and bounds ahead of many of us on here (myself included). I hope those feelings of like continue.
Your really are at a good start.
And welcome to Steptalk!
New, Don't feel that you
New,
Don't feel that you aren't normal in your feelings or the length of time for adjustment. If you read step-parenting books, they say that it takes 5-7 years for everyone in the blended family to adjust to their respective roles in the family. Some never do, and that is the sad and painful part of blended families...you just can't always control others and their feelings and issues.
Be prepared for things to be a real roller-coaster ride for a good while. Sometimes things will go very smoothly and then it will feel like a train wreck.
Be ready for the BM to use the kids against your husband and you...especially with the animosity you revealed between her and your husband. She will try to make you out to be the "evil stepmom" and the kids will possibly believe it if they see their mom as a poor victim and hold out hope for mom and dad to reconcile.
Probably the most important thing to work on in your relationship with your husband is this: insist that he put you in an authority position with the kids. Do not let the kids show you any disrespect. Make sure that he knows to quash that behavior in them towards you. If they see that he disapproves of it, then they will more readily accept it. Next most important is that the kids know that you always come first in his life. Not that they aren't important because they need to know that they are. But, if they know that he puts you first they will be less likely to try manipulating him (and you).
Be patient and consistent. That is the key to a healthy and happy blended family marriage. It will take time...a long time. Accept that and work on the slow-cooker approach to a successful marriage.