Bio Mom going to court again? Too many rules for the SD in our house!
Has anyone gone through this?
We have 50/50 for placement and support payments.
The Bio mom is taking the Bio dad back to court for 100% placement and support payments due to the fact the child does not want to come back to our house because we have too many rules.
I believe the child does not have a choice unless she is emancipated and the Bio mom is in contempt of the courts by letting her make a parental decision such as choosing who to live with full-time.
Our rules are not that extreme she only has to follow the rules pertaining to her homework completion - this is no computer, no tv, no music until homework is finished and checked by a parent.
She has rules for keeping bedroom and bathroom clean, but she only has to follow these if she wants a money allowance. We don't care if she is messy, we just won't give her money.
Anybody ever go through this and come out on top?
-Crazy in WI
- new evil stepmom's blog
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Comments
just an excuse....more drama and more money what else?!
I am not sure how things work in the states, but from my experience here in Canada any chance the bm gets to drag everyone through the courts...they will take it especially if it means more money in their pockets, and more aggravation for you. We attempted to take bm to court for contempt when she interfered with our visitation, and influenced ss on making the decisions of visiting himself rather letting the adults handle the situation. as a result we were told unless you are demanding something in return the courts may look at you as the one wasting the courts time. our experience has been it all depends on the judge that day, and whether or not they believe the lies of the bm...in our case..we missed out on Easter with our son...how do you demand Easter be given back? the sad truth is that what is best for your sd is probably your few simple house rules, but instead bm is only looking out for herself and her wallet. Good luck
BM missed Mother's Day last year
You just made me remember something. Mother's Day 2006 the SD spent it with us, shopping and making a gift for BM. BM mentioned after court that she will not miss another mother's day - So she must be mad about that and maybe this is kind of like revenge. By the way the BM went to a Milwaukee Brewer's baseball game that day with her son and boyfriend and didn't have a ticket for SD - so she couldn't have spent mother's day with her anyway. I was flattered that SD wanted to spend mothers day with me, but now we are facing the wrath.
?!
,
it's only out of court they ever speak the truth
I know that when we went through the family court system aka...a place for the lying bi@#$ches to feel powerful and dad's to be treated like dirt bags the only time we heard the truth come out of bm was outside the courthouse...and for what? funny how it is important this year for her to spend mother's day with her son, and how these bm are so suddenly devoted to their kids being comfortable, & spending time with them, is it just coincidence that they also get to put down your lifestyle at the same time? I laugh when they claim about the hardships...simple chores their kids are forced to endure...i don't know about you, but as a kid I had to do the simple chores if I wanted that allowance, and when I wanted more I was told to get a job.
Amen, thank you
one comment that my SD makes every time she wants something or wants money, she tells us "if we wouldn't go out so much we could get it for her" - that makes me want to slap her across the face (I would never do this) but that statement is very disrespectful and I know she gets this idea from BM.
oh I can relate....
let me tell you my ss is very manipulative, and tries to guilt us into everything. The problem with our ss that you might also be having with your sd, is that these kids think they are adults, and entitled to adult priviledges, and question everything you do, when they have no business talking to you like that period. I don't know your entire story, but if your sd has been raising herself, or if her parents treat her like she is a friend rather than their child, then that will confuse her allowing her to believe that she is an adult. Also, when parents allow their kids to make adult based decisions, this also gives them that entitlement attitude.
One thing my dh and I do when ss questions us, we tell him what we do with our money is our business, and none of his. My ss questions me all the time...last night he said this to me..."Candice, FINAL ANSWER...can my friend go snowboarding with us this weekend?" OMG, I went off, I said.."ss, don't you dare talk to me like that, it ISN'T FINAL answer, and I don't have to tell you right now WHAT my decisions is....AND if you keep nagging for an answer...YOU won't be going snowboarding." He shut up.
Hopefully your dh and you are on the same page of music when it somes to raising kids, that will help. My ss seriously did not ask me again about his friend going, and he knew if he did, his dad was getting ready to slap him upside the head!
Remember something, your dh's first priority is his marriage, THEN his children. So if it means your dh needs to nurture his marriage by taking you out to dinner over buying his daughter gifts, then that is what he should do. You are helping him provide a stable home for all of his children, and by nurturing his marriage, he is taking care of his daughter.
Candice
you hit the nail on the head
ever since I came into this family, I have told my husband that she is not an adult and he needs to quit treating her like one. She listens and repeats all information about everyone and she shouldn't even be in ear range on most of these conversations. The BM is even worse on this issue, BM has stated to dh that she is afraid of SD. Not sure why, maybe because SD is 212 lbs and 5'3" and the BM knows she can kick her A**. But if the child is respectfull of her parents and isn't treated like a peer/equal to the parents the situation of SD beating up BM would never happen. BM was abused/beat by an ex-husband (not mine) and the SD witnessed it - so both are scared of their own shadows.
even if she does move back in with her mom
you guys will get her back. BM is being guilted by sd to fight for her, and once sd does beat her up, bm is going to drop her off on your door step in a matter of seconds. If you guys think you will lose the court battle, just let her go back, and watch it all unfold. You might end up getting a more respectful kid if she goes through the reality check....
Good luck,
Candice
thank you Candice
I really appreciate you input, you make me feel soooo much better.
Thanks
You're so welcome!
Don't lose sleep over this...I lived this last fall...and it really stressed me out for no reason!
I'm so glad I was able to help you!
Bests,
Candice
One thing we experienced
last year when ss lived with us full time, is that once he realized he couldn't manipulate us, well then all of a sudden, moms house wasn't so bad. He fought like hell to move back in with her. None of our paperwork was filed, but we were told even if our paperwork was filed, it would not have mattered. BM could tell a judge that it was just a trial year, and she wants him back. So my dh let ss move back in with her, and it last one month. He is now living with us again full time.
Not sure what WI is like, but if your paperwork is filed, it will be harder for her to just change custody. In WA state, children cannot choose who they want to live with until they are 18. They feel that children will more than likely choose the most lienent parent to live with, and that is not always in the bests interests of the child.
We went through this, without the courts, and I feel we came out on top b/c, bm sent him back to us b/c she can't handle his attitude, and she can't provide a stable home for him. The older he is getting, the tougher he is getting to handle at times, and he is more work than she wants. Now ss isn't as cocky with us b/c bm isn't promising him her house like she did before. So, we came out on top only b/c of how much work ss is, not b/c the courts saw through everyone.
So, if your sd moves back in with bm...chances are, she'll be back. Sometimes it's a good thing they go back to bm's house b/c it's a reality check for the kids....
Good luck,
Candice
b/c you aren't allowed to have a life right?
Don't you just love how the bm talks to the skids like they are best friends and not mother and child? Giving the kids the sense that they are mature enough to understand what is going on? They teach the kids to disrespect their own parents and everyone else for that matter. I have two bio's at home with us and bm of the 16yr old continually reminds ss that if it wasn't for the other siblings Dad would be there more, plus blames my kids for Dad not giving as much for birthdays and holidays anymore. How easy they all forget about who does every christmas morning, teaches him how to swim, ski, and various other activities...compared to his bm who takes summer holidays away alone shipping the kid to relatives, leaves him daily to his basement with a microwave and bar fridge. Ya we get the grief all the time about how we don't provide for the poor guy the way he should be, how we give our kids at home more...we bought season's passes to a ski hill last year ..the bio kids are young and get free passes! Apparently we left the 16yr out by not buying him a pass...funny the three days I took him out he spent the day at the bottom of the hill eating all the snacks I brought and was mad because I wouldn't fork out for fries! It must burn the ass off the bm to realize that you and your dh are happy, and that you have a life too including time with your sd.
Would a Judge actually grant that?
I can't imagine a Judge saying, OH, OK, Yeah, You trying to set bounderies for a growning child is unacceptable, back to Mom's you go.
Wouldn't they have to come up with something rediculous in order to have the 50/50 changed to 100/0 ,.
All bm has to do is say...
sd/ss was living with biodad for a trial year/timeframe. It didn't work out, so now I want the child back.
It is better if you have the child for more than a year, but like with everything, there are always loop holes.
Just speaking from my experience,
Candice
Your home; your boundaries.
My teen SD was dealing w/ parents who didn't speak to one another, and a step-mom who was such a legend in our house. Nothing I did was ever as wonderful as SM number one.
After going through hell dealing with her addiction issues we set one rule. She would go one night w/out the TV and Radio, so she freaked out and decided to move back w/ Mom. My husband didn't argue.
Mom wouldn't really take her back full time because it would have been a hassle to move into a bigger apartment, so SD basically drifted around w/ her boyfriend. She finally asked her Dad if she could move back in after she got pregnant and the answer was only if you can treat my wife with respect, otherwise no. Of course she wasn't going to agree to those terms so she moved into a house w/ glorious SM #1. This lasted all of one month and now SD has a formal complaint againt SM #1 for stealing her baby's child support. Lovely, isn't it. Prior to all this she had tried to live with her Grandma who kicked her out in short order and with a friend who wanted her as a babysitter. She also tried living with friends and that didn't work out.
So, once a kid develops a strong sense of entitlement and a lack of discipline they will have a very hard time working it out with anybody. SD gave up a stable situation because she thought she knew better than the adults and now is a welfare Mother with an unstable boyfriend who can barely hold a job at fast food. That is a pretty tough life lesson. Much tougher than having to do homework first and then TV. You are doing the right thing in setting boundaries IMHO.
SD may not like having discipline in her life, but it will come her way one way or another and you are at least trying to teach her the easier softer way. It's too bad BM can't see the importance of that, but you are doing the right thing. You can go to sleep at night knowing that you gave it your best to give her a fighting chance at having a good life.
Best of luck,
// Susanna