OT - Where is his brain?
I love my DH, I really do.
He's a great dad. He stands up to BM, both for me and for SD14. He has a good job. He is usually really considerate. He asks for my opinion on just about everything. We don't fight.
So when the first words out of his mouth last night were, "You're going to kill me" I knew something was up.
DH has always sucked with money. When I met him, he was driving a little econobox that he was upside-down on the loan for. I shelled out ~$5k to get him out of that loan and into a used Jeep Liberty with similar milage in '06. He bought a huge TV in '07 with store credit (can you say high interest rate?) He carried ~$5k in credit card debt for the first four years despite making $60k/year. After a lot of fights and lying about progress on reducing debt, he finally paid everything off - cards, car loan, etc - and started retirement savings in the beginning of this year.
His Jeep (now about to be 8 years old) has started with the little older-vehicle breakdowns. Nothing mechanical; just the cosmetic stuff. The power windows are breaking, the door handle broke off, etc. While he was getting those things fixed, he test-drove a top-of-the-line Rubicon. He told me about it, and never once admitted that he really wanted it. I had a sneaking suspicion though, and I was right.
He bought a $38k vehicle without talking to me first.
This won't affect us financially - even maintaining two households, tacking on the loan amount is still less than half of our take-home pay. Unlike a lot of you, I'm not paying a dime to support him or pay his CS.
Where the hell is his brain? Apparently I'm such a bitch that I would forbid him, or leave him, or make his life hell because he wanted a new vehicle. The first words out of his mouth were literally an offer to start divorce proceedings. The part that kills me is that he makes the same mistakes over and over and over again. Gee, doesn't that sound like SD14, grounded four times this year for the exact same thing?
Apparently my marriage isn't what I thought it was. That hurts.
He says he wants to stay together. Should I tell him no? I am never happier than when I'm with him, but we have been and will be separated for about half of our marriage for the last five and the next 5-10 years.
I just don't know what to do.
- NCMilGal's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I guess the issue is, he knew
I guess the issue is, he knew how you would react yet he still did it. That is compulsive behavior. I was married to someone like that and he made decisions like that all the time. I never had to pay for them but it undercut our partnership. I think you and DH need counseling. Not you necessarily but he needs to see how this impacts your marriage. If he'd come to you and laid it out, would you have agreed to buy the car? Are you a control freak around money? If not, then it's all him.
I am a bit of a control freak
I am a bit of a control freak with money. I managed to pay my own way making $6/hour when I was younger, and after one episode of my parents bailing me out with credit cards, I have never ever gone into unsecured debt again. (and I paid my parents back plus hefty interest)
He started talking about a new vehicle earlier this year - I offered him a honey of a deal. I told him that I would not object to him getting anything his heart desired if he saved up and paid cash for it. I even sweetened the deal and told him if he saved up, I would contribute dollar for dollar for what he saved.
During the arguing, I never could get why he didn't talk to me, other than, "I didn't even think about it." If he had talked to me, I would have run through the offer with him, looked at the interest rate, the trade value, the amount down, the rebate, whatever. In the end I would have told him, "I'm not happy about it, I'd rather you didn't, but if your heart is set on this, go ahead." because in the end, I support him as long as he respects me enough to ask my opinion.
But he won't. It was the same with the TV in '07. He talked about wanting one, I nagged him about his debts, and he went ahead and got one the second I deployed. Behind my back. He buys himself new computers and expensive guns. Behind my back. Deceptively even. Even on things that I would agree to.
I blame BM. No matter how little he spent with her, she screamed and threw a tantrum at him. She told him he was a loser, and a shitty provider, and how dare he take the food out of her daughter's mouth to buy beer. (Note: this was a single sixpack after being in the field for a month. During the same time, she ate out at restaurants at least three times a week when she had no job)
Ah, not quite on the living
Ah, not quite on the living situation.
Let's see... In Jan-Feb, he was in Haiti. Mar-Jun, I was in Afghanistan. Jul-Aug, we were at MIL's and moving him to TX for school. I'm still in NC. He doesn't graduate until next June, and I'm going back to Afghanistan Jul-Oct. We've seen each other exactly 90 days this year. Next year, I anticipate ~40 days before I get back in mid-October.
He claims that he thought he had the okay as long as he paid for it himself. What I hate is that I tried and tried to get him to admit that he a) wanted it, or b) was thinking about getting ANYTHING. He was adamant that what he had was good enough, no worries.
I don't want the fight to return it. I will hold this over his head for a long time - he acknowledged that he deserves this.