Just shy of two month update...
Autistic SS has been with us for just shy of two months now. We were 'gifted' custody by BM with a 2 week confirmation.
I have spent the better portion of the last month trying to soul search to see what my main problem is with this. It's not my favorite, I didn't really have a say, etc. So in trying to view this a little more globally, this child came to us from a home where:
He lived with his mother at her parent's house (she's 45)
The grandparents and mother are hoarders
He shared a room with mother at parent's house - up until recently, they shared the same bed
Nobody put discipline or boundaries in place for him
He learned that bad behavior at school got him removed by mother and often taken directly to Denny's
He learned that bad behavior at home still earned him weekend jaunts to festivals, nearby fairs, whatever Fauntleroy wanted
Eventually that bad behavior inspired mom to give up custody
So here we are with a six foot tall 11y/o who acts like he's 4. I get that he needs help - totally get it. My DH and I have had some amazing conversations and have drilled down quite a bit. Communication is on an upswing and he does 100% of the caretaking: cleaning up, discipline, etc. I made that very clear when this all came up that my youngest is almost 15 and in no way will I Poppins this kid. Nope. Is it rude to call a skid an uncultured swine? Cause....
The other day my 18y/o DD let me know she had some bathroom items she'd like to address. She was waaaay sweeter about it than I would have been. Apparently homeboy doesn't flush. Or use the shower curtain liner. (Sidenote: The other day I found spitwads behind the toilet)..so she requested he flush both #1 and #2 (bathroom being shared by 4 kids). She said there was a marker in the 'boys' sink with poop on the cap, a granola bar wrapper IN the shower caddy, water all over the floor and my younger daughter chimed in to say he needs to 'get some mad wiping skills' because she wiped his shit off the toilet seat before she could use it.
You guys, its like he was raised by wolves. Like I underf*cking stand that things aren't going to come as easily to him but at 11 you STILL don't flush? Or wipe? WTF
Also we found he was looking up fetish-type porn on youtube. I wanted to barf. In fairness, it was Star Trek and Star Wars themed but when you put all of the above items together with ridiculous porno sh*t..... Hahahahah ewwww
Thank god for white wine. That's all.
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Please forgive me as I just
Please forgive me as I just LOL at my desk after reading " In fairness, it was Star Trek and Star Wars themed but when you put all of the above items together with ridiculous porno sh*t..... Hahahahah ewwww".
What you have on your lap is not easy and you already know this. Its going to take work and as long as your H continues to be consistent and support you every step of the way things can get better. He's 11 years old and was living under those nasty conditions for so long so he has to be reprogrammed. He has to be taught manners, values, and good behavior which may be challenging but it is doable.
Hope H continues to have your back and wishing you a speedy and smooth transition with SS.
Well... Crap.
Well... Crap.
That doesn't sound like fun at all.. basically having a 11 yo with the life skills of a 4 yo. I guess your DH really has his work cut out for him. Hopefully this too will pass and the kid will get up with the program.
My personal opinion is this. If you are savvy enough to get on the internet and look up ANYTHING.. you are savvy enough to wipe and flush. He is teachable.
EXACTLY
We can find Spock themed whateverthef*ck, but we can't wipe our butt? BS. I think it's laziness and personal care habits that have been left unattended for too many years.
The first step would be to
The first step would be to remove access to the internet... once he upgrades his personal care regime.. he can get them back.. with supervision and a parental firewall.
Yes, Internet
is already gone. He was able to use an old phone with WiFi access only and for only about an hour a day. We were using it as an incentive as that is his largest driving force (you can earn 5 extra minutes of screen time by completing tasks, etc.) but he's proven he can't be trusted with that. Which is a bummer because without it, he just sort of paces the house cause he doesn't know how to occupy his time. I miss that hour of quiet. lol
Have you watched Hoarders the
Have you watched Hoarders the show? It's pretty disgusting. It's possible that he doesn't flush because he couldn't at his mother's. And Hoarders aren't exactly known for cleanliness. I am always amazed when they look well put together but can't walk in their house without walking on a foot of trash and rotten food and often feces. One lady's toilet broke so she just started wearing depends and throwing them in the bathroom or backyard. It's quite fascinating and disgusting but often they don't see it.
Good Point
It didn't actually dawn on me that if that crap was going on at his mothers, maybe nobody even noticed. This just gets grosser by the minute. Hahaha
I totally feel your dismay.
I totally feel your dismay. My formerSS13 refused to use toilet paper, didn't flush, wouldn't lift the seat, had no chores, did piss poor in school and was seemingly rewarded for it, no disapline or boundries, et al. FormerSS was NOT autistic, just lazy, "forgot", didn't know.... (poorly raised and no changes were made out of fear he would go live with his BM).
You very much have going for you that your DH is taking action to correct these behaviors.
Former SS? So you have a nice
Former SS? So you have a nice clean potty now at your disposal?
I hope that was a healthy decision for you.
Best decision ever! That was
Best decision ever! That was all in addition to rude and mean behavior that actually had turned dangerous to my baby.
So while you have some issues to overcome, it could definitely be worse...
Hmmmm... wonder what it would cost for a port a potty and an outdoor shower?... that isn't child abuse is it? lol.
Unfortunately, this is probably going to require pretty constant oversight and reminders. Maybe putting up checklists of things he needs to do when he showers or uses the toilet...like.. always look behind you to see if you left any mess on the seat and clean it with a clorox wipe if you did... maybe cleaning up after himself would be incentive to not poo on the seat.
Is BM paying support?
Is BM paying support?
I don't care what her problems are, I'd definitely seek an order of support against her. No way should she get off Scot free after neglecting her son for years and then passing the booby prize off to you.
Even if it's only a few dollars per month, holding her accountable will help ease the feelings of resentment that inevitably pop up.
Lpve your attitude, though. I don't Poppins for anyone, either.