My current state for those who have read my blogs. I got a couple messages wondering how I was doing or if I would be doing an update. I started to a few times but never got through them. Thanks to those who expressed interest and concern.

Another likely long and rambling stream of consciousness to follow.

We have at least discussed guilt parenting in therapy. I wanted to go to a couples session each week rather than every other week, but my wife and I are both seeing a counselor individually. Over $200/mo in co-pays and I cant handle more right now.

I handed the counselor an article on guilt parenting and she looked it over. And said, this is how you see your wife, right? Then explained some of it to DW. She did say that DW doesn’t say no enough, and I asked her to name the last 3 times SD was told ‘no’ and all she could come up with were things that were not right now… and were negotiated into something else. Different time, place, thing…. That is not No, so my DW couldn’t come up with a legit NO in the last 6 months. I say NO too much apparently, but that is often because I get setup to be the bad guy.

One session wont change much, we shall see where we go next week.

Im basically frustrated and extremely tense. I an sitting on all that frustration and it is effecting me. I feel like Ive been punched in the stomach all day every day.

Im watching my SD13 treat her mom like sit and DW just accepts it. SD is late for dance class… Need to be there at 6:15, and its 15 minutes away. At 6:12 she comes downstairs and starts herding her mom to the door, seemingly pissed that she wasn’t standing there keys in hand waiting on her highness. I hear SD as they go out the door. GO! Your gonna make me late. I would have sent her ass back to her room, she can miss class.

I cant simply ignore this behavior very long. Its wrong and its building such a level of frustration. I wish I had hidden cameras in the house to capture on video and show her after the fact.

All that tension isnt healthy. I wonder if I should leave, I measure it against the pain of leaving my family, of not seeing my BD2 every morning and putting her to bed each night. The pain of giving up on hope. What my wife and I had was amazing. Knowing that that is irretrievable will hurt. I hurt every day to one degree or another. The loneliness builds, the sometimes uncomfortable exchanges with my wife when I leave for work. Sometimes I get a small kiss and a have a nice day… sometimes a smile. Small things that make me wonder and want to hope.

All that pain has to be measured against the daily pain. At some point I need to start healing. That has to come within my marriage or I heal from the pain of ending it.

I need to focus on myself for a bit, according to my therapist. (Who I now see on off weeks of couples therapy) If my wife gets upset because I decide to do X then let her get upset.
My plan is to get back into a workout routine 3 – 4 days a week and maybe install a heavy bag in the basement to work out the frustrations. I am putting one night a week aside where I will be watching a movie on my new TV. DW is invited if she likes. SD is not invited. We can have family movie nights another day/time. This will be MY time so only DW comes or I watch alone.

Overall I feel like I am spinning my wheels. Nothing can begin to move forward until my DW sees and acts on the causes of my frustrations. The other option would be to up my meds so that I sit in the corner and drool.