I don't have the answer for you. Knowing that she has been "caught" could make her feel guilty and not pursue it further or it could release the fear she had and make her go full force for him. I know how tempting it must be but I would say that I would think that sending anything to her will only make it worse.

I think though if I was going to do anything I would put a public post on her wall labeling her as the husband chaser that she is for the world to see before I would send a private message. But that is just because I am evil like that }:)

Look and see if your state has an alienation of affection law on the books, if so, sue them both. Take their money, take a glorious vacation, pick up a little boy toy to enjoy while your on vaca...

Will it solve all your problems? No. But if your looking for revenge or payback I'd go that way and at least pad your 401k

Although I can understand how torn you are, do NOT give them that power. Take that power BACK NOW! DO NOT give her that pleasure or the ahole either. The best revenge is truly to not care! Really, if you let others know they have hurt you, they will laugh...they will rejoice...do NOT give them that power. Find something to do. Get out of the house. Find friends to talk to, get on the internet, take a trip...whatever, but do NOT call either of them, send them messages or anything. Believe me that your husband will feel like CRAP if you behave yourself in a "lady like manner" and act as if "nothing has happened". It will PISS HIM OFF to no end to think you are actually HAPPY that he has left. It will make that loser woman he is with wonder if the ahole was worth it if you didn't even get angy... lol She might start to actually second guess her choice lol But do NOT give in. DO NOT call. DO NOT text, email, etc...just stay away and go on with your life. Find support elsewhere, anywhere but them. Do NOT give them that pleasure. Please, please, please...you can do this. I can assure you that there is no greater revenge than to act as if you are at peace with your decision and move on.

PS - although my ex did not cheat on me, he actually got on a plane to visit his ahole brother...he was supposed to come back on Sunday and had not called me to tell me when to pick him up. When I called him (I hated this brother), he calmly told me that he wasn't coming back. I flipped. But just hung up. I called him once that week, about 3 days later and asked if he was indeed not coming home and he told me "he couldn't stand me and wanted a divorce". Guess what I did? Yes, on Sunday he told me he wasn't coming home and on Friday of that week, I FILED FOR DIVORCE! lol Yep. When he got the papers a couple of days later he flipped. He then started to question me, he then thought I had cheated on him and thus the reason I wanted to do the divorce so quickly. He was a super jealous ahole. He abused me for 4 years. I calmly, calmly, calmly told him that there was nothing to discuss. He wanted a divorce and after speaking to him, I agreed that it was best. That we could stay friends lol I was divorced 60 days later!!! Anytime he called after that, I was SUPER NICE to him...lol I never told him anything about what was going on in my life or how I now had to work 12 hrs a day to keep the apt that we had rented just a month before he left and pay TWO cars...He kept thinking I was going to flip and beg him...so did his crappy family. I did neither. I went on with my life. I talked to girlfriends who helped me be strong and I NEVER ONCE let him know how cheated I felt. It was the best decision I ever made in my life. For years, the ahole begged me to take him back. Each time I was nice but said "no thank you..."

PS - I agree with the other poster here...take this time to GET A GOOD LAWYER or read about the divorce laws in your state, use every single law you can against the ahole but be pleasant if he ever calls...then screw him over when the divorce comes lol

I agree - the best revenge is to live well! I was cheated on once (engaged, not married) and it was a total shocker. But a few days into it I realized how if I had a choice to make, I'd rather be cheated on than be the cheater. In all honesty, I wish I had gone my entire life with neither of them happening. But it did... and I was able to pick myself up, hold my head high and move on and have a happy life, while he was the villain living with the guilt and his head very, very low. He married the woman and they ended up divorced several years later. Everyone told me at the time that it wouldn't work with them, and I said 'yeah probably not, but by the time they divorce I won't care'. And it was true. I took minor satisfaction in it, but it had no impact on my life other than realizing I dodged that bullet. I did call the other woman when I found out about the affair, because I wanted to know if she knew I existed. She was in another state. She didn't know he wa engaged. I gave her an earful, and wished her luck because after he cheated I realized that he had issues bigger than I could ever handle. I'm sure the things I said caused a lot of arguments for them down the road. If it gives you a little closure to call/message, in a non violent/hostile way, I say go for it. I think these women that cheat with married men need to be called out on it. Because if women stood together and refused to be with a married/involved man, there would be no cheating. Wishful thinking.

No, No and NO!!! While that may feel like the right thing to do now... when this all blows over you will regret even giving her the time of day! It wont give you any closure!! I did this with the girl my ex slept with and the only thing it did was make me feel like I dropped to their level. In all honesty if she really cared that she was ruining a marriage... she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

She'll eventually get his by the karma train.
On another note that some have pointed out, this woman couldn't have ruined your marriage if everything was okay to begin with.
I didn't read the past posts but it seems to me that ppl give their spouse a pass bc they want to blame some other person for their spouse's behavior.
I'm not saying you're doing this..but from your wording it seems you feel that way.

Your spouse ruined your marriage. He could have done it with any number of women. Bc if you look around there are plenty of them out there giving it away all the time. So not her then another.

This woman that ruined your marriage, she's wrong. But your spouse is wrong, too. She just happens to be the one he did it with.

Marriage is between you and your spouse. So the only way for another person to get into it is if one of you let's them.
My ex husband cheated on my several times through out our marriage. I was never really upset at the tramps he used. I was upset that he didn't respect me or our marriage.
But that's just me. Everyone has their own way of getting through hard times.

SHE didn't ruin your marriage.

YOUR husband did.

My ExH cheated on me. The girl knew he was married but he of course told her we slept in separate bedrooms. When I asked her, she was honest, forthcoming and kind. I changed all the locks and filed for divorce the next day. The girl and I have remained friends for over 13 years now. We actually just went on vacation together! The one who cheated was ExH, he took vows, not her. I left him and that was that.