I cant not stand or tolerate my step daughter
So I am new to this site and I have checked it out and found very few if any men contributing. I however would like to vent about my situation. I met my wife a few years ago while deployed and came home to her after a few months and with all the communication we had and similarities etc etc it was a no brainer I was falling for this woman. She told me she had a daughter (2 at the time) and she broke up with her ex when she was almost 1 but lied to me about messing around with him a few months before we met. Her ex was 25 and she was 18 in high school when they met and she forgot to take her bc and ended up pregnant and chose against an abortion for whatever reason even though she told me she was very unattracted to him and was only with him because she didnt want to live at home anymore. Needless to say I dont like the guy for trapping her and being a weirdo. My wife is very attractive and I still havent the slightest clue as to what she was doing with him.. I truly look at her daughter as a mistake and at times cant stand looking at her because of some similarities to him and realizing my wife threw away a chunk of her life and future for this kid. Id give anything to have met her 5 years prior. Even as I type this she is in the other room playing with her and she is laughing with that annoying laugh she has and I have to leave for CT for a business trip in a couple hours. Her daughter is a spoiled ungrateful whiny little brat. She cries about anything! once because she stepped on a toy.. a teddy bear... She is almost 5 yet she moves like she is 2. I kid you not.. like she has arthritis in her legs or something. Most of my hiding from her and ignoring has happened because of recent events. On her birthday I went to take a photo with her and she looked at me like I abuse her and put her shoulder up to ignore me or something so I walked away. Another time when I picked her up from her weekend visitation she was screaming I want my daddy and was grabbing for him and of course that moron was loving every second of it. Mind you this girl would call me daddy from time to time. She also does this to my wife when she picks her up. She has a great home here. No abuse normal discipline and plenty of toys and care. But she gives me attitude and makes me feel like trash when I try and say something even nice things to her. I never yelll even in any little arguements with my wife. If anyone yells and hits anyone that would be my wife to me who treats me like some expendable pos. She has left me a few times and stayed at her exes parents one time. ugh. but anyways Her daughters cry is the worst annoyance ever and I hate the fact my wife is forced to give all her love, affection and sympathy to this kid. My wife hasnt worked in over a year. I do and I support the household. I used to tolerate this kid but I truly cant stand her. Everyone thinks shes cute and innocent but she is not! I want my own child and family. I used to play with her take her places etc but I have zero desire to recently. We once took her to disney on ice and for whatever reason she was very annoyed that day and when leaving started screaming I want my daddy and when my wife took her to the bathroom she punched my wife in the face. I will not love her the same as my own child. My wife is a total different woman when she isnt here. She is happy and carefree, and when she comes back its like a gloom comes over us. Im so glad I found this site and I can express my feelings and thoughts!
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Welcome. How does your wife
Welcome.
How does your wife handle it when SD disrespects you? Does she call her out, or does she ignore.? Sounds like your wife has made you the easy target....if she disrespects you in front of SD, and allows SD to disrespect you.
It sounds like you wife parents out of guilt.... A normal parent would have walked out of that theater and given a 5 yr old hell had they been hit in the face.
Do you think SD is just endulged and spoiled....or so you think she is emotionally disturbed and needs counseling?
She ignores and calls out
She ignores and calls out from time to time. Overall I think my wife disciplines her pretty well. She definitely disrepects me in front of my SD. I believe she is very spoiled especially when she is away with her bio dad. And my wife gives in to her whining and demands from time to time.
I couldn't help but giggle at
I couldn't help but giggle at how you described the annoying laugh and how as soon as she walks in the gloom sets in. I know the feeling. Wish I could help you buddy, but chances are, your disdain for this brat will probably get worse as time passes.
Thank you for your service. God bless our troops.
Just MHO.. but you are
Just MHO.. but you are setting yourself up for big time failure here. This kid is 5. Do you really think it's going to get any better? Do you really think that someone will sprinkle some pixie dust and you will wake up liking this kid some day? I met my DH when skids were 8 and 9. They were actually nice kids at the time, we got along great. I did A LOT for them and with them, I put up with MAJOR BM drama that I never would have because of them... and then about the time that I had BS3, when skids were 11 and 12 they turned on me. They are 14 and 15 now and they suck. Thankfully, they suck so bad, that EVERYONE knows they suck now including my DH... SD14 only cares about DH when she wants something, she lies, she stole from me, she is a master manipulator. DH hasn't spoken to her since last August. SS14 has been caught shoplifting, smoking pot, drinking, bringing drugs to school, failing school, having sex.. you name it the kid has and does do it. DH has about had it with him too.
I guess my point is that you are going into this disliking your skid. You have a LONG road ahead of you and I promise you if anything? It WILL get worse.
Why is your GF not working and why are YOU supporting her and someone else's kid? You are creating a monster here.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but the truth sucks and sometimes you need an outsider to look in and smack you upside the head to see clearly. Best of luck in what ever direction you decide to take, I hope you can be happy
yeah that sounds pretty
yeah that sounds pretty miserable. My wife doesnt work because she doesnt look for work. Its not that I dont encourage her to do what she wants hell im her biggest supporter and most positive person in her life. But she takes me for granted and doesnt realize the strain this kid puts on me.
>>THIS<< You are projecting
>>THIS<<
You are projecting your anger toward your wife to this kiddo. I feel sorry for the kid.
You also are holding onto anger that you have no business being angry about. What your wife did before you met is none of your business.
You should leave. If your wife is abusive .. get out. Give you and the kid a break and go.
Who said anything about anger
Who said anything about anger from me?? Stop commenting if your going to bring in untrue situations and add nothing constructive
Your post showed that you are
Your post showed that you are obviously angry.
I discovered that it takes a lot more energy to by angry than to be happy. If you can't be happy in your situation then you need to leave it. If she is hitting you that should be a deal breaker.
^^^This^^^ OP if you are this
^^^This^^^
OP if you are this hostile to your stepdaughter when she is so little then you should leave, for her sake and yours. It is wrong to make a 4 year old the focus of that level of resentment, and your relationship with her mother sounds like it is troubled already. Your wife is not "forced to give all her love, affection and sympathy to this kid", she wants to, because she loves her child. If you cannot find any redeeming features in the child and every aspect of her behaviour annoys you then you shouldn't be there.
I see a lot of what your
I see a lot of what your saying but I don't understand how you find the comment she wasn't on her bc strange? She told me she forgot to take it and everything I referenced she told me not my assumptions. And she had a bad household growing up. I know what I need to do . I'm just venting and would like to hear from people that can relate not bash or put down. Thanks tthoughu
my SD acted like that towards
my SD acted like that towards my wife way before my wife ever hit me or anything. Even before we met
What's strange is that you
What's strange is that you blame the dad for "trapping" your wife when SHE is the one that "forgot" to take her BC and also opted out of getting the morning after pill or an abortion.
She said she didnt realize
She said she didnt realize she forgot to take her pill until it was to late and she didnt backed out of the abortion for moral reasons and states she didnt have the kid for him. And how is what he did not consider trapping her. He came to her as a 25 year old when she was in high school and had all these influences around her and knowing she had a bad past and household he took advantage of the situation. so yes I see your point she has a lot of blame but at 18 she had her whole life in front of her not some 25 year old at a different point in life.
These are the comments I'm
These are the comments I'm looking for. Positive reinforcement and people that can relate!
I think these comments with
I think these comments with the reasons is an issue with everyone on this site. We only fight when the SD comes around. She looks just like her mom and it reminds us both of a place we want to forget. Wishing we had met before the kid was born is a everyday want, but impossible. Loving another womans child that belongs to the man or woman you love is a joke to think possible. The step kids of the world don't have a chance in hell and neither do the step parents. Peace is rare.
First welcome, second your
First welcome, second your gonna get a range of responses we aren't all rainbows and sunshine you will be judged, your wife will be judged, and so will your choices. Sure some of us can relate and some just have advice, and some just seem to like to poke the nest, but you get to choose what advice you take if any. I can't relate to most of your situation, but what I can stuck out like a sore thumb she hits you, has no respect for you or your relationship and has no problem leaving if it gets hard. Her child will treat you no different because kids learn what they see. You teach people how to treat you by how you respond to what they do. So what are you teaching them? May I ask why you think it's okay to let someone hit you?
Her excuse is i cause her to
Her excuse is i cause her to hit me yet i dont yell ever and if it was the other way around i would be in jail. I know its not ok and she has stopped recentyl and really started to handle things a lot better than she used to.
Welcome to Step Talk! I
Welcome to Step Talk!
I just want to let you know that I can identify with a lot of what you are feeling. I have wished so many times that my husband and I met before he got entangled with his witch of an ex wife and had kids with her.
Please stick around these boards. I do think we need more males on the forums.
Also, I have been somewhat shocked at how obnoxious some people's response posts are on Step Talk. I am guessing they are coming from a completely different perspective. At any rate, I would recommend ignoring unwanted or presumptuous advice or just flat out putting them in their place with some version of "fuck off" }:)
haha well said. thanks!
haha well said. thanks!
Boy would my SO love to talk
Boy would my SO love to talk to you and give you his opinion.
I don't know if it's because your a man or what but for some reason some posters on here can be pretty tough. I would take some of these posts with a grain of salt.
First thing that stuck out to me was that your wife yells at you and hits you. You may not recognize this as abuse, but I think you are being verbally and physically abused by your wife.
Men who are abused by their wives are not given a lot of sympathy, especially on a site like this. I would recommend checking out shrinkformen.com, and check out Dr. T's articles and podcasts. Shrink for men is my SO's favorite site, because he's been married to some pretty abusive women. His first wife handed him divorce papers as soon as he got back from Iraq. His first wife will also automatically get a chunk of his Army retirement checks because she was married to him for 10+ years. Ask some of your divorced military buddies about the ten year rule with wives.
So when did your wife stop working? After you married her?
I think the problems with your wife's treatment of you are much more urgent than your problems with SD.
And feel free to continue to post on here just be forewarned there are some tough ladies on here. But there's also very supportive members.
I respectfully disagree with the posters who focus on who should rightfully be blamed. How can you not be stressed out about your SDs behavior? That's perfectly normal. Yes we all know that this kids's bad behavior is often due to bad parenting but it's okay to have negative feelings towards SD as long as SD is not being mistreated. Many stepparents feel the same way you do.
exactly! these are feelings i
exactly! these are feelings i have, its not like im mistreating her or putting anger on her. I keep these to myself and its how i feel. and after looking at a lot of blogs ive noticed your right a lot of step parents feel the same way. My wife stopped working after we moved in together because we moved a little ways from her job. i never put any stress on her to find a job or anything. just always support and motivate her but she doesnt have any urgency. ive offered to pay for her to go to school everything!.. nothing!
Why are BM on here talking
Why are BM on here talking their talk?
? Many of us SM's on here
? Many of us SM's on here are BM's as well? Should we not speak because we have a foot in both camps?
OP - I understand what you are saying, and that you are venting (trust me - I really do get it LOL - I vent some pretty horrid stuff about my skids too) the problem I guess that a lot of us are seeing is she's really just a wee little girl, she's not to blame and it's the protective instinct I guess.
I would suggest that you discuss with your wife (either in counselling or just the two of you having a serious talk) about what troubles you the most - try and keep it calm and blameless, and try not to use hurtful words like calling her baby a mistake - she might not have been planned but she IS your wifes child. My first daughter was an accident - but if anyone EVER called her a mistake I would do them serious damage. So, work out what you need to change, in yourself and what your wife needs to change for you (and her) to have a happier relationship, then work on a plan to make that happen.
Remember the one rule of life though really, the only person you can change is yourself.
Good luck to you, and please, continue to come here and vent as much as you need to, just also I beg of you - do not allow your feelings towards the child to affect how you behave with her (and I know you don't say that you do but it really worries me that this poor child will feel your negativity anyway and it WILL damage her for life)
mistake is just a word and a
mistake is just a word and a truth in this situation and many others. just like me a mistake or my wife or my dad or many many many people.. mistakes. mistakes that were not meant to be born or wanted. but here we are. and here i am expressing my feelings about being a SD to this kid. deal with it and move on.
I agree with both one foot
I agree with both one foot and old dart, both with wise suggestions. You are being abused, and not just that but taken advantage of. There is so much about abuse I couldn't fit into just a response, but think about it like this,regardless of her placing the blame on you for her hitting you, do you really have that much control over her you make her hit you? And she has so little control she chooses hitting as a result. I believe the issues with her kid to be small and insignificant in comparison to the abuse, and also could partly be in response to how your wife is treating you.
I suggest counseling even if just you go, have someone to talk to maybe get coping tactics, and maybe she'll come too. Or maybe this isn't going to work and you will have to end the marriage. I believe in fighting to save a marriage but eventually you've done all the fighting and there's nothing left.
MP13 - Welcome! Glad to hear
MP13 - Welcome! Glad to hear from you.
I share your feelings about stepparenting a kid who isn't that great. Many of us here do. It's unbelievably tough. Hearing their voices, listening to them manipulate their parents, grandparents, etc. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. We aren't allowed to express our feelings to many people so please express away here on this site.
It's tough to hear but I think there is some truth to the 'being abused' comments. Were you abused as a kid? I'm from a military family background and I know many military families have trauma to deal with.
It might explain why you are minimizing it (sorry, you are).
Counselling is so helpful. I really learned a lot in counselling. I learned some great parenting techniques in addition to feeling - for once - that I was right to be horrified by the situation I was in. Watching a child misbehave constantly is very frustrating. It is inevitable that we end up disliking the child. All the 'but they are only a child!" comments in the world don't make us like that child anymore than we do.
I'd get out of this
I'd get out of this relationship ASAP. It doesn't sound healthy for anyone involved. Especially not for the small child who has no say in who comes into her life.