Tired Of Dealing with Husband and his Babymama
This would be my first time on here and saw there are some people in my same situation. I’m a divorced mother of one and was for about 5 years. I met a man with two kids of his own that he saw only every other weekend. We recently moved closer to where his baby mama lives to take on one more day with his kids. It was a huge mistake. Fast forward 1 year later and now I am 7 months pregnant with almost full custody of my son and taking care of step kids 6 and 12 almost full time. His ex has caused drama from day one. Calling me names and trying to keep me away from their kids events. Now she wants me to watch her kids while she goes and spends time with bf lying that she’s going to rehab because of a recent pill overdose. I’ve been telling my husband to get full custody a while ago since she tried to commit suicide infront of her son. She’s always drunk and even hit a car while picking up the kids from our house while intoxicated. Her and my husband communicate behind my back and makes arrangements with her watching the kids without even talking to me about it. They both treat me like a babysitter. This is all I do. I do the bookkeeping for a business we run together and work from home while I take care of my son, his kids and the legal problems my husband got into. I clean and cook even when he’s home. I can hardly walk around being 8 months pregnant with nerve problems. Guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m exhausted. I feel used and I feel like I lost my career and my free life for this. My husband doesn’t have a relationship with my son and hardly talks to him. His priority is with himself and his kids. He works with her more then he works with me. I’ve expressed my feelings many times and nothing changes. I’m at the end. My husbands drinking problem is another issue. I’m just so unhappy and feel bad for my baby not having her family todather. I feel like a failure. Any advice?
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Get a divorce. I’m dead
Get a divorce. I’m dead serious. If you think this will ever be any better, you’re fooling yourself. Look. No man is worth this. Legal trouble?! Dear Lord. You have two kids. Take them and go. Get full custody. Why do you tolerate your own child being treated crappy while you’re babysitting his??? This is my thing and i divorced over many things but my kids were the huge motivating factor! You’re their mother. Leave this toxic mess and take care of your two.
And why do YoU feel like a failure?
Are you mentally unstable?
Are you in trouble with the law?
Are you a drunk?
Are you a poor parent??
Why in God’s name do YOU internalize their insane crap? And it is insane. Therefore you have to do what is sane. Get out of a horrible situation. Get counseling for your son so he knows the stepfather is the ass and not him.
You can’t fix anything but yourself and your circumstances. Do something
My advice would be to leave,
My advice would be to leave, as soon as you can. You're clearly not happy, and having your son living with a man who ignores him and has a drinking problem, while you probably don't have enough time for him because you're working, cooking, cleaning and taking care of stepchildren, is doing a disservice to him. YOU should not be willing to tolerate this situation, but to keep your son and a new baby in this environment is just not right.
Do you financially have the ability to leave? Can you get your previous job back? Do you have family that can help in the short term? Do you get CS from your son't father? As FrenchPeas said, this is not a situation that's going to change. You need an exit plan.
Him communicating behind your
Him communicating behind your back is a HUGE no-no. Marriage should have open communication... I know my DH used to struggle with that, but not to that extent. Mine only ever would delay telling me until he "thought of it" whereas yours seems to be actively hiding it. If it's being hidden, it's 1) probably something that shouldn't be being done and 2) he knows it's wrong and just doesn't care.
Babymama is a completely different topic. Our BM is fairly psycho, I've been shoved, cussed out, she's scooted closer to my hubby, stolen all the kid's clothes, etc. etc. But if he's not going to help you put a stop to it, then to me at least, that's showing a HUGE violation. Honestly her trying to say rehab, that should have been an emergency custody filed. All the insanity just needs the police called on her if she's literally hitting cars and crap. But your DH isn't showing that he particularly cares about all that crazy. If she's drunk your DH shouldn't be okay with sending the kids, he should be calling the cops and reporting it. He's showing he doesn't really care about the kids even with a lot of this, or you. Just the psycho BM...
Was it like this when you lived further away? I am so sorry! I know it's your decision, but this is awful. For you and your kids...
He’s always drunk too.. The
He’s always drunk too.. The day she hit the car he told her to leave quickly so they wouldn’t call the cops on her and she would get in trouble. I had to drive the kids to her house that night because my husband was also drunk. He always drinks and drives with the kids. Every time he takes the kids out I have to go pick them up out of guilt just Incase something happens. I don’t allow him to take my son out without me being present for that reason. He has people over and even lets his friends stay the weekends on the couch so he can have an excuse to drink I think. I’ve left 4 times and always came back to empty promises. When I complain he says that I want “perfect”.. I wasn’t stable and a man I can trust.
Good on you for leaving those
Good on you for leaving those other times. Now you know that you can do the leaving part, so do that again but this time remember all of the times his promises were never met and move on with your life, ignoring the promises he is sure to offer you. You can do this.
We got in an argument today.
We got in an argument today. He made breakfast for his kids and not my son. He didn’t offer him and I got upset. I do everything for his kids and he can’t offer my son breakfast? He got upset for saying something and asked me if “we were going to have a “fuc**** problem today”, I said yes and then he told me to get the “fu**ck out” and leave. So as I was grabbing my clothes to leave, he grabbed the clothes out of my hands and pushed me. He ripped my pregnancy clothes I was going to take and put the rest in the shower to get wet. I’ve had enough. I feel so hurt and broken right now
Thank you for your advise.
Thank you for your advise. And he hardly had custody of the kids when I met him. His ex was always trying to keep the kids away from him because of his prior coke possession arrest. Since I came into the picture his life has been more stable. Not so much cause he changed but because I do I lot to help him. I did this in hope that he can be in a better place and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore later on but instead it’s become a chore and something I have to do to keep the household going. He is very unstable on his own. I was willing to help and to suck it up to keep the family together but I feel like I can’t because he does what he wants anyways. When I threaten to leave he changes for a bit then goes back. I feel like I’m just a helper in their relationship and not his wife
Please, please leave. I know
Please, please leave. I know you're wrestling with the emotions of failure, uncertainty and fear. I've been there as have a lot of the posters on here. Please trust me when I say that making a plan to leave is hard. Actually leaving is harder. And figuring everything out after you leave is also very difficult. The happiness, joy and sense of peace you feel after you're out of that toxic and abusive environment is priceless and worth the pain and heartache 10x over.
Ask your ob/gyn for resources in your area. Shoot it straight with them. Tell them, you're in a crappy marriage with alcohol and legal issues and you need help getting on your feet as you do not want to bring a new baby into this.
Reach out to family and friends for help.
Know that you are not alone. I know it feels like you are but you aren't. There are resources in your community available for women and even more for women who are pregnant. Vent to the forum whenever needed to get it out. You'll find incredible support and sage advice.
Good luck to you.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advise. Yes, it is very scary. Especially feeling physically useless right now being super pregnant with nerve problems. Today we got In an argument and got physical. He put hands on me being this pregnant. Just knowing how much I’ve done for him and the kids to do this to me at such a vulnerable stage made me realize that I need to get out of here ASAP
Omg he’s an abusive druggies
Omg he’s an abusive druggies you have to leave now. Get a ride and get out.
I agree with everyone here,
I agree with everyone here, you need to leave. I have had 4 significant relationships in my life (well 5 because I'm in one now that is good) and the reason those 4 relationships ended were because I ignored huge red flags in the beginning. The issues we had in the beginning of the relationship were the same reasons we broke up/divorced, it didn't matter how long we had been together, a year, or 13 years. This is not going to magically get better with time, or with a new child.
Good luck!
Thank you for the advise. My
Thank you for the advise. My pregnancy has played a huge factor at evaluating my life with this man. Today we got in an argument and as I was trying to get my close friend my closet to go to my moms he yanked them out of my hand and he pushed me as he was trying to do
It. He then got my pregnancy close I wanted to take and ripped them and threw the rest in the shower to get wet. I guess what I’m sayimg is that I have to get out ASAP. This is healthy or fair. When I complain about something he ignores me or he says I want “perfect”. There’s no winning
I do not have any legal
I do not have any legal issues of my own. He has legal issues with possession of cocaine 2 years ago and DUI along with a domestic violence case that was dismissed. I’ve been trying to clean up his finances with his back taxes he hadn’t filed for 3 years prior to meeting me and I helped him set up his business under his name. Even though I do the invoicing and bookkeeping along with dealing with tax lawyers and getting 15,000 that his ex was holding from him out of revenge that he now hides from me because he doesn’t want me touching it. I have nothing of my own. I had a career working as a pharmacy manager about 2 years ago that I left to help him with his business cause he said he couldn’t handle it. I feel like I wasted my life in vain and now bringing another little one into the mix that simply doesn’t deserve it. As far as my son goes I’ve always taken care of him. My husband doesn’t mistreat him but I feel like he doesn’t like him. Everything is about him and the kids. He says he works with the ex a lot for the kids which I think it’s BS.. There’s more too it I have a feeling.
This man has a drinking
This man has a drinking problem, a drug history, a history of domestic violence, he drives drunk with his children in the car, he manhandles you when you are pregnant, and he is not kind to your son. You need to leave. Do you have family or anyone you can reach out to? Seriously, it seems to me that the sooner you get yourself out of this horrible situation, the better. This man is a danger to you and your children and I'm failing to see any positives to staying with him. Please get yourself help!
I left him this morning. He
I left him this morning. He took the keys to the car, the joint account card and the business card. He logged me out of everything and took away the house keys even though my name is on the lease. But the police said I can call a peace officer to help my go back and get my sons things and furniture. I have no financial means right now. My sons father doesn’t pay child support and I’ve been taking care of him financially alone for 2 years already. Since he took everything from me I don’t even have a car to go to my prenatal appointments. My life is a nightmare right now. Why do I still feel guilty? He says I just don’t want to deal with his problems as if it was a bad thing. Always manipulating to make me feel guilty
He can't kick you out of your
He can't kick you out of your house. The police should have told you that. He can change the locks all he want but you can get the lock smith to let you in. He should move out.
I have no way of paying the
I have no way of paying the rent. It’s a house rental so it’s not really either of ours. I’d rather be the one to leave then to be harassed being there cause he’s not leaving and I’m just a babysitter to his 2 kids
I'm a single mom of four
I'm a single mom of four kids. I ended my marriage while pregnant exactly 9 years ago. You know what? I"M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! My kids are happy. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy at first because it wasn't. But I did take the hard uncomfortable route of getting a divorce from a cheater. I then repartnered with a man with two teen daughter and a crazy high conflict nutso of a BM. and he and I have a baby. Well, she is three now. But when I was in the same spot as you, I said, "I did it once. I can do it again." I'm kicking butt in my career. I am one happy girl.
I hope to be in your position
I hope to be in your position someday. I’m really scared to struggle but it’s a relief to know that I’ll be building something of my own for my kids instead of building something for someone else and thier kids and be empty handed with my son and baby girl that’s on the way. I admire you
I’m so relieved you left.
I’m so relieved you left. Document everything and get a protective order. Keep us posted.