Disrespectful Teen
I am a mom of 6. Two bio kids ages 21 and 18. And 4 Skids ages 21, 21, 14, and 9. My DH and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6. BM passed away 9 years ago. For the most part I am the only mom the 9 and 14 year old have ever known. The 14 year old was almost 5 when BM passed but he has little memory of her now. However, his and my relationship has always been strained. Since I have known him he has had issues with stealing and lying. We decided to put cameras in our home because this was such an issue. I call him an opportunist because anytime we turn our backs he's into something he shouldnt be in. If he sees something he wants and no one is paying attention, he takes it. I feel like we can never relax. He has brought home hoodies, shoes, necklaces, perfume, tumblers, hats, etc. And he says its all from lost and found at school. We continually take items away that he brings home and have told him he is not to take anything from lost and found that is not his. But he keeps doing it and argues when he gets repremanded for it. I am always on guard with him and he knows it. Over the last few years he has become increasingly resentful of me and is very argumentative and talks back constantly. If he's not doing that then he pretends I dont exist. We have placed him in therapy and I too have gone to therapy to try and be a better parent to him. But I feel like its only getting worse and its to the point that I dread being in my own home most days. My husband half heartedly defends me when SS is being disrectful and he has admitted that he has guilt because of their BM passing. I dont know how fo communicate with SS and I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Any advice would be much appreciated.
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I can't even imagine what it
I can't even imagine what it is like to have to compete with a ghost. I know that is incredibly hard on all of you.
Have you guys considered the possibility of a boarding school? Maybe military school?
Ghost
You are exactly right. I feel like I am competing with a ghost. My situation is different than most because BM is not in the picture but in a way she still is because they all went through that devastating loss and will always carry that. And yes we have discussed military school if it continues to worsen but I am afraid his resentment would grow even deeper if we sent him away like that.
Or, he can find himself and
Or, he can find himself and really begin to heal? There a lots of kids that get there and THRIVE. You wouldn't be sending him away to "get rid of him", but more to remove him from his current friends and surroundings in hopes that he can have a fresh start!
Did the kids get any therapy
Did the kids get any therapy after losing their mom? are they in therapy now? He may not have a clear recollection of mom.. but he clearly understands that you are not his bio mom.. and despite the fact that you have stepped up and done so much... the fact is that he isn't your bio child.. and it's possible there is a lack of connection that makes your "correction" be resented?
I would suggest taking a massive step back from "parenting" this kid.. and ask his father to fill that void. I would also suggest some counseling for the kid to deal with whatever is missing inside of him that is driving him to behave this way.
Lack of connection
Thank you for your advice. I am truely searching for answers here. He is currently in therapy and also did some therapy years back. His older siblings had some therapy as well. But in all, none of them ever came to terms with her loss and I have always kind of felt the burden of that. And yes there is definitely a lack of conncetion. I dont have that bond with him like I do my bio kids. However, the 9 year old and I have a great relationship. She never knew her BM. I definitely think he would prefer correction from his dad than from me. I just have to figure out how to step back and not get involved when its in my face day in and day out.
For them all.. (even the
For them all.. (even the youngest to some extent) will likely have some amount of difficulty not feeling like the world dealt them a bad card and while you are likely very nice.. well meaning etc.. the reality is they all lost their mother.. and "they didn't ask for a replacement.. and wish she was still there".
As they all get older and more emotionally mature.. they certainly may develop a deeper appreciation for someone who didn't cause the situation.. and certainly did all that they could for the kids despite not being a biological parent. They may realize at least intellectually that you did something difficult that you did not have to do.
But.. a 14 yo hormonal immature boy may just be "mad at the world".. and it's a tough time for a lot of kids.. even those without the history your Skids have.
I know it's tough.. but I would really try to disengage a bit... because if it does come to him needing to go to military school or something like that.. I don't think you want to be the one shouldering the blame for THAT.. it ultimately is his dad's sole decision now that his bio mom is passed. You do have a say in how your home is run.. but he should be taking the lead with things regarding his kids.. obv the younger child didn't have the memories that the 14 yo did.. at 5.. you are more aware than an infant may be.
Family therapy
I think thats fabulous that you are in therapy - the number one person you need to take care of through this is YOU.
Then you can be strong enough to do the hard stuff you need to.
I recomend that you either bring in your DH for a session or he goes on his own. Hes not doing his children any favors parenting out of guilt. His lack of parenting is what is making things worse. Anytime this child steals or lies or disrespects you, there needs to be repercussions that escalate until the behavior stops. These behaviors will not get better and Ive lived this.
Sd24 Feral Forger, she was caught stealing from a jc penny and because she had cash in her wallet they "let her gow", but husband paid her fine of $250. Do you think there were any repercussions? Nope. And do you think she magically just stopped doing bad things? Nope.
She has not graduated from any college. She finds any way possible to not work. She didnt have money, and was living with Toxic Troll Bm, and stole checks and forged signatures, and didnt get in any trouble.
She lies and accuses people of things they did not do, threatened CPS.
SO, this is not your circus. You didnt make that child. not your circus, not your poo-throwing monkey as someone likes to say here. Protect yourself by possibly moving out and dating your DH. Unless hes willing to step up to the parenting plate, you will watch as things get much worse (because they will).
Another hint - change your profile pic so its more anonymous.
Hint taken
Thanks for the advice
You said your DH "half-heartily" defends you when SS
You said your DH "half-heartily" defends you when SS disrespects you - that is a good share of your problem. You need to have a serious converstation with your DH and he needs to step up and discipline SS not only when he steals, but when he disrespects you. Since he hasn't, SS knows he can do it and get away with it. I agree with the others about you taking a step back when it comes to parenting - but that will only work if your DH takes a step up. He needs to start actively parenting his kid and quit worrying about any guilt he may feel over the fact that BM died.
Stepping up
I 100% agree. We had a therapy session about this a few weeks ago together and that is exactly what the therapist said too. I have been repeating this to him over and over and he says he will but I feel like I keep having to remind him. Its like he has rose colored glasses and doesnt see what is happenimg until I point it out. It is beyond frustrating.
An opportunist is someone who
An opportunist is someone who leverages a legitimate opportunty.
Your SS is a thieving POS.
Two very different things IMHO.
Time for this POS kid to spend a semester, or an entire school year, at a State disciplinary ranch. See how he likes a life of hia life in a state of abject misery under the hairy eyeball of professionals and getting his ass kicked by truly bad ass kids.
He may just learn a lesson. There isn't all that much time left for him to learn this lesson before he gets a record that will follow him for life.
Your DH needs to grow some balls and have your back. If I had pulled this crap, my dad would have been so far up my ass I would never get him out.
smh