I was searching the web for advice on step parent issues and came across here. First, I am a bm of 4 kids 9-16. Dad lives 8 hours away so he has them Christmas, spring break, broken up summer break. Dad is remarried with 2 kids with his new wife. New wife and I used to be friends, not anymore after ex re-married her, but that's water under the bridge but relevant to my question.
My 12 yo son was talking to me yesterday and he is concerned about his sm. He said his dad yells at her a lot and always says that she can't do anything right just like them. Dad has issues with PTSD and brain injury, retired from the military total and complete disability. I know what its like living in the hell that PTSD can create, and I know what his violent temper can be like. I want to reach out to her to tell her who she can talk to, and if we were still friends it wouldn't be a big deal.
Should I leave it be or try to reach out to her? If you think I should reach out to her any suggestions how?
If you 2 are on good terms, maybe just sending a quick e-mail saying that if she ever needs to talk that you are here. I wouldn't press the issue too much though.
He won't ask for help. I had to beg him to go to physical therapy for his hand when we were married. Thankfully he did or he would have even less mobility in it than he currently does.
If she reaches out to you? Then yes, but do it without bashing your ex or making it seem as if you're pushing her towards leaving him or anything else that can be construed that you are trying to break up their marriage. Even if she *does* decide to leave him, they may reconcile later, and then you're just the meddling, jealous ex-wife who can't keep her nose out of their marriage and isn't over her ex. Maybe an off-handed, "well, have you spoken to a therapist/your mom/your pastor?" would be best.
Don't discount the possibility that when your children are there, the stress they add to the dynamic may be influencing some of what they witness.
Don't discount the possibility that your son is stretching the truth or exaggerating.
They were all there for the summer which I know put a lot of stress on him, first time he has had them for that long. When the kids told me that he was stressing out when they came home I suggested next year (summer) that they each go for 2 weeks at at time so they get more quality time. He agreed to that. Hopefully it was just the stress of 6 kids under one roof.
I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. If you two were friends I might say you could reach out. But given that you are not, I would not butt in.
I'm going to tell you a little story to explain myself... when my exH was cheating on me, my best friend came to me and told me that she thought he was cheating and offered to hire a PI so I could find out for sure. I got very offended (I'm not exactly sure why, looking back.. but I did) and she was my best friend.
I think you'll be opening a big fat can of worms. So you reach out to her, she is pretty much guaranteed to tell your Ex that you said something, that I'm sure won't go over well and then will your 12 year old feel the repercussions for saying something to you? Not to mention that by saying something, you will appear to be the annoying, meddling ex wife who should be minding her own business... I say don't do it!
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I was searching the web for
I was searching the web for advice on step parent issues and came across here. First, I am a bm of 4 kids 9-16. Dad lives 8 hours away so he has them Christmas, spring break, broken up summer break. Dad is remarried with 2 kids with his new wife. New wife and I used to be friends, not anymore after ex re-married her, but that's water under the bridge but relevant to my question.
My 12 yo son was talking to me yesterday and he is concerned about his sm. He said his dad yells at her a lot and always says that she can't do anything right just like them. Dad has issues with PTSD and brain injury, retired from the military total and complete disability. I know what its like living in the hell that PTSD can create, and I know what his violent temper can be like. I want to reach out to her to tell her who she can talk to, and if we were still friends it wouldn't be a big deal.
Should I leave it be or try to reach out to her? If you think I should reach out to her any suggestions how?
If you 2 are on good terms,
If you 2 are on good terms, maybe just sending a quick e-mail saying that if she ever needs to talk that you are here. I wouldn't press the issue too much though.
He won't ask for help. I had
He won't ask for help. I had to beg him to go to physical therapy for his hand when we were married. Thankfully he did or he would have even less mobility in it than he currently does.
Nope. Don't touch that with a
Nope. Don't touch that with a ten foot pole.
If she reaches out to you? Then yes, but do it without bashing your ex or making it seem as if you're pushing her towards leaving him or anything else that can be construed that you are trying to break up their marriage. Even if she *does* decide to leave him, they may reconcile later, and then you're just the meddling, jealous ex-wife who can't keep her nose out of their marriage and isn't over her ex. Maybe an off-handed, "well, have you spoken to a therapist/your mom/your pastor?" would be best.
Don't discount the possibility that when your children are there, the stress they add to the dynamic may be influencing some of what they witness.
Don't discount the possibility that your son is stretching the truth or exaggerating.
They were all there for the
They were all there for the summer which I know put a lot of stress on him, first time he has had them for that long. When the kids told me that he was stressing out when they came home I suggested next year (summer) that they each go for 2 weeks at at time so they get more quality time. He agreed to that. Hopefully it was just the stress of 6 kids under one roof.
I wouldn't touch that with a
I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. If you two were friends I might say you could reach out. But given that you are not, I would not butt in.
I'm going to tell you a little story to explain myself... when my exH was cheating on me, my best friend came to me and told me that she thought he was cheating and offered to hire a PI so I could find out for sure. I got very offended (I'm not exactly sure why, looking back.. but I did) and she was my best friend.
I think you'll be opening a big fat can of worms. So you reach out to her, she is pretty much guaranteed to tell your Ex that you said something, that I'm sure won't go over well and then will your 12 year old feel the repercussions for saying something to you? Not to mention that by saying something, you will appear to be the annoying, meddling ex wife who should be minding her own business... I say don't do it!