is he going to cheat on me?
I am having trust issues with DH. DH met me while he was with BM. He cheated on her with me (just emotionally, but still, thats cheating), and when he wanted more, i told him he had to leave her to be with me. He immediately did-- like the night i told him, and weve been together ever since.
This may sound dumb, but we were talking about the whole Tiger Woods cheating thing yesterday, and I mentioned how shocked I was that he cheated, and how i wouldntve imagine him as the type. I then told him, "That's why I dont trust men, and thats why I will always stalk you."
I dont really "stalk" him, per-se, but I do have access to all of his accounts, and check on things here and there every once in a while when i get bored. I've never found anything, though.
I really don't have the belief in my heart that he would cheat on me, or that he has.Before I met him, I could not hold down a relationship, I would start dating someone, and leave them for someone else when I started getting bored of them, hence an "extensive" list of guys i dated before him, which i know bothers him because I have had more partners than he has, and he always feels like he has someone to compete with. When I met him, everything changed, and I only wanted him. I strongly believe that he feels the same way.
He has tried every way to treat me like a queen, always texting/calling me that he loves me, always spending every minute he can with me, even picking me up from work for lunch, or bringing me flowers and bkfast at work unexpectedly. I really believe he loves me more than I love him, which is good for me, and sometimes to his demise. I feel like he smothers me sometimes. He always hugging and kissing me, and holding me (even when im cooking), its very appreciated, but he can tell that I sometimes get annoyed. Im not the lovey-dovey type 100% all the time. I always found a reason to leave a guy, or gave him a reason to leave me before I met DH.
Now, in this marriage (we have been married for going on 2 yrs now), I feel like I dont trust him. He never wanted to marry BM, and they never did get married because he was waiting for the day he would leave her, he says. As much as he tries, I just dont trust him. I know he tries so hard to show me that he wont ever hurt me. BM still TO THIS DAY confronts him on his cheating on her. She didn't know he cheated until the day that he left her, he admitted it to her, and I know it still stings her. she tells him he probably does it to me too, and he has made it clear to her how different he is now, and I know that hurts her because she is always hearing about all these things he does for me that he would never do for her. Even with all this, I still don't trust him.
When we met, he told me about all of his cheating on BM in detail-- how he met these girls, who they were, what they did.... I mean he went to the point of telling me names, numbers, etc, so I could know what the relationships were about. I confronted one of these girls when she called him after she found out he left BM. She thought she had a chance with him, since he never left BM for her. I mean I wouldn't've known who these people were had he not been honest with me about them, but as soon as he got a call, he would show me the phone and tell me, "This is her (the mistress), she's calling me." So I politely answered the phone and asked her never to call him again. She obliged, and to this day, I know they haven't spoken because, well, I have checked phone bills, etc, to make sure they haven't talked, and I know they haven't for a fact. She has a myspace, and is always writing about how she cant get over the fact that he married me, not her, how he wont talk to her, etc.
I mean he really has gone above and beyond trying to let me into every part of his life so that I wouldn't feel left out, or lied to. However, now I resent him for it. I resent him for the fact that he did this to BM. I think if he did it to her, he could easily do it to me.
We got into it last night. He got angry because he feels like he spends all of this effort trying to make me feel secure in his faithfulness, and I still don't trust him. And really, he does, everyone notices it. I sometimes treat him like crap, and even my mom will tell me that he calls her and tried to figure out something I would want so he can buy it for me to surprise me. He asked me last night, "What else do you want me to do to show you that you're it for me? I'm running out of ideas, ways to show you, I have nothing left. I opened everything up for you"
I always hear "once a cheater, always a cheater" in my head. But I was completely different when I met him, and I don't ever want to treat him the way I treated any other guy. He had such a loveless life before he met me, I don't think he ever knew what it was to have a loving woman, even his mother abandoned him as a child.
But still, I dont trust him. I told him that one day I will get there, but will i really? Am I just going to keep pushing him until he really does something and proves me right, that he is a cheater?
How much longer can I resent him for what he did to BM, which has nothing to do with me?
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Comments
I think this is a difficult,
I think this is a difficult, delicate issue.
Have you ever considered marriage counseling? This is personal for me because my dad cheated on my mom, and understandably, it hurt her tremendously.
Some people wise up after cheating and some do not. My dad has never cheated on my stepmother (to my knowledge). I think marriage counseling can be a great help.
i was thinking of that, but
i was thinking of that, but i dont know if DH would want to. I think he feels like he does all he can already. I just dont want him to give up on me. Deep down i trust him, I know i could never find someone to treat me better. its just hard not to remember what he did to BM.
I am not sure I believe
I am not sure I believe 'once a cheater always a cheater' - most people yes but not all. At one time many moons ago I cheated. I felt so horrible, I told my xBF that night. I realize now with age and wisdom that I didnt have the self esteem in myself to know I deserved more. However, I do think you will sabotage your relationship if you continue on this path. You are not giving yourself 100% to DH and to really be successful you must. Tell him how you feel, but understand that he is showing you. Let go, and realize that you risk him cheating and getting hurt, but you also could have a once in a lifetime romance. Take your risk. Hang in there. I understand how you feel. Sounds like a gem of a man.
I believe the issue lies
I believe the issue lies deeper than with your DH. How secure do you feel about yourself?
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
very astute....
very astute....
The past has a way of
The past has a way of repeating itself a lot of the time.
And usually what one spouse is suspicious of in another partner is usually guilty of it themselves. Maybe you fear he will cheat because of your past. Maybe you fear he will cheat because he cheated on his ex with you. He is a cheater..he cheated on his ex and look at your past. You say your a loving woman...does a loving woman constantly feel she has to "stalk" her husband. You have to work out your issues about you and how you feel about him. You either learn to trust him and let go of the past and move forward..or keep lingering on it and eventually your marriage will go down the drain...I'm not trying to be harsh...i have a realy hard spot for cheaters and their mistresses.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore
Anyone who gets involved
Anyone who gets involved with any man who is in a relationship, married or even separated, but not yet divorced has no right to complain about someone doing it to them. Sorry, I have zero tolerance for it. I never have, never will. Don't get me wrong, I can see where one can fall for someone or even love someone that ends up married, etc...but at the point that person is in a relationship, no woman has the right to involve themselves with them. And the fact is, if he did it to his wife, he could do it to you...and well, I don't see how you could not wonder...
You became "emotionally"
You became "emotionally" involved with a married man. You are the type of woman I can't understand. Another woman JUST LIKE YOU may try to get "emotionally" involved with your man and she won't have too much trouble since it seems your relationship isn't that strong. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER become involved with a married man on any level - I couldn't do that to the wife, the children, and most of all myself and look at myself in the mirror everyday. I'm sure the exwife is just waiting for the old "what comes around goes around" mantra to come true. If your man truly loves you and shows you in all the ways you said - then I believe it's your own guilt you are feeling, and if that's the case, there's nothing your man can do - this is all about you.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
HWGA, I don't think that was
HWGA, I don't think that was terribly helpful--all she needs is to feel like she "deserves" to have him cheat...
mommywood, I agree with the others, work on your own self-security. I say this as someone who used to be terribly insecure and afraid of abandonment. Even when I first met DH, who sounds like your DH in his loving ways. He kept telling me to trust him (when I would be insecure) and finally I did. I feel now I'm not going to degrade our marriage with being suspicious or accusing him or snooping. I also know deep down that I can't force someone to love me, if they don't want me then I don't want them, and bottom line, whatever happens, I will be ok. My self worth and loveableness doesn't rest on someone else's opinion. That said, DH is my soulmate and the most loving partner I have ever had.
One book I love is How to Be An Adult in Relationships, bad title but it talks about abandonment and engulfment (you feel that when he is too intense) and how not to act out of ego but to really love others. It's great.
It's too bad your DH was such a womanizer before you but a point in his favor is his full disclosure and the fact that he left her immediately when you drew the line says a lot about how he feels about you. Sometimes people fill the void with meaningless relationships and hope someday to really be in love. Sounds like he is. There are some, once a cheater always a cheater, but they are usually ego-maniacs with a need for conquests. Sometimes people have what is called an exit affair which helps them break up. Not condoning it but it happens.
Okay, let me get this
Okay, let me get this strait? He NEVER married BM right? So you DIDNT get involved with a married man? You got involved with a man in a relationship, but he had never put a ring on her finger and said I DO?Well he DID marry you. Theres something there if he put a ring on your finger and he didnt hers. Maybe he loved her, but he didnt love her as much as he loves you. If he hasnt given you any reason, with all the checking up you do on him, then why doubt him? Your thinking about all the things that will end your marrige, your not looking for positive out comes. And I know how that is too. Im the same way. I always think that BF is going to cheat on me, when in fact hes NEVER given me a reason to think that way. We all need to get over our insecureities about our relationships and stop looking for negative out comes. Because one day hes going to get so tired of everything he does for you and the way you treat him, that he just might go out and prove you right. Trust him!!! Its okay, take the leap!
It has only been two years.
It has only been two years. Only time can assuage your fear. I am not once that believes one a cheater always a cheater. There is a reason that people step out on their marriages or relationshps that are supposed to be monogomous unless of course you are a serial cheater or a "player." Most people that fall into this trap were missing something in their current relationship and right or wrong looked outside that relationship for fulfillment.
Anyone can fall from grace, whether they did it before or not. One can argue that because the other relationship failed, the new couple learned from those mistakes and have fortified this new relationship with that knowledge. Of course, it is harder to trust someone whom you know has already done this, but trust you must. It is important for a couple that begins this way to have no secrets. Everything should be an open book. There should be a lot of communication between the two of you regarding your feelings about the way your relationship began. Even though you married your guy, you will always be "the other woman" in the eyes of friends and family. This too will begin to wear you down and you must be able to talk about this openly with your guy. You should feel comfortable with one another to discuss this topic anytime you want to as long as it is not in the form of an accusation, but only to tell your partner how you "feel." Tell them what they may or may not be doing that is causing you to feel this way. There should be no anger.
Eventually, if you both can discuss your fears rationally, be open with each other in every way possible and have no secrets, you will be able to move forward with your relationship knowing that he will never do this to you. It just takes time, work and communication.
Mommywood, I believe that
Mommywood, I believe that people make mistakes, but can redeem themselves. That goes for you and DH. We will all have to answer for our actions. However, DH didn't leave SS, he left BM. He takes care of SS financially, and sees him as much as possible.
I don't think cheating is ok, and whenever a person is cheated on (like BM) they're rightfully and justifiably hurt.
This is a tip for dealing with BM. Whenever you know she's acting out of insecurity, think back to how you are feeling now. Don't use my suggestion as a way to justify her behavior, but use it as a way to remember that she's human and imperfect too, just like you, DH, me and everyone else. Hopefully, this cps ordeal will be the push she needs to get help for herself in terms of her issues and parenting, and you all can hopefully reach a point where you can sit down together and work your issues out so you can put the past behind you and focus on SS.
thank you all for your help
thank you all for your help and insight. I dont condone how my relationship began with him, and maybe that is why i have so much guilt and insecurity.
However, I just want to make this clear, I did not seek him out, i didnt even know he was in a relationship when i met him, and literally the day i found out ( a couple of days after he and i met), i told him I wasnt going to be dating anyone that was with someone already. He knew me for literally less than a week, and he left her for me, taking a chance on me.
To this day I ask him what the hell was wrong with him, he didnt even know me, and his answer is, "I just felt like you could help me change my life and make me be who I always wanted to be, not this person that I was when I was with her. Those few times we spoke, i felt like a different person."
I really do think its something in me, i read your comments, Mumzy, Anon, LIzzie, HeavenLeigh, and TotalyBogus, and I felt some sort of relief I guess because I understand what you mean, and it hit me hard when I was reading the comments.
I guess it is my own insecurities, and he doesnt need to be dragged into them. We spoke last night, and he says he will continue to try to show me I'm the only one for as long as it takes him. I am trying to learn to let go, but I mentioned marriage counseling, and he looked scared, as if I was assuming our marriage will be doomed and I am trying to do all i can to save it before its over.
I told him that maybe it would help us deal with things, and talk about our relationship and hopefully see things a different way. He agreed, so today, im on the hunt for a marriage counselor. I dont want to sabotage this relationship with my insecurities, and I wouldnt blame him for getting tired of my speculations and just give up.
Thank you all for your help!
Good for you for searching
Good for you for searching for a counselor!
You as a woman have a gut
You as a woman have a gut reaction for a reason. Always listen to your intuition from my experience it hasn't ever been wrong. You worry he is a cheater because he is a CHEATER . He brags to you about the other women he cheated on his ex with . A man who is proud of this is lacking in character. A man lacking in character will cheat again. And always remember a manipulator can make you believe anything they want you to believe . You will never be completely happy with this guy because you have seen what he is capable of and no matter how much we want to believe we are the special one to make him change it's just not realistic he must spend time alone and reflect on what he needs to change to ever really change.