Please read and please help me.
I am so glad that I found this site, because I really need other like-minded parents to talk to. What I am going through right now is very distressing and I need people to talk to for support.
Just a little background info: I have one step-daughter. She is 6. She was taken away from her biological mother when she was 2, and put into foster care. (I have been with her biological father since she was 1 1/2. My husband, her bio-dad, eventually won primary residence of her when she was 4 years old. I fell for this little girl so hard, I mean, head over heals in love and would do anything an everything for her. My husband admired my instinct to nurture her.
When we were awarded custody of her, her foster mother warned us of unsettling sexual behaviors (Please don't make me explain them) that most likely stemmed from exposure to unimaginable things at her moms house or earlier foster home (she had 2 foster homes through the process). This was confirmed by the state.
Naturally, when hearing something like that, we denied such things but did however, take the needed precautions that the state suggested.
I myself, have 1 bio son. Currently 2 1/2 years old.
We have struggled with my SD in terms of masturbation, trying to keep it safe (so shes not using objects that could injure her) and constantly reminding her to do it in private if she is to do it at all. These were directions from DHHS on how to cope with this kind of behavior. Apparently stopping her, or scolding her for it would make matters worse so we do the best we can.
Her bio-mom downright refuses to hear about any of it and deny's that her daughter would have such a problem.
Anyways, the relationship between my SD and I has drifted. Not because of any of the mentioned behaviors but more because she has began acting differently for me. Tantrums, acting out, and doing things on purpose to receive negative attention. She has NEVER been like this and her counselor is even having a hard time putting his finger on it. Usually children who act that way aren't receiving enough positive stimulation and attention at home, which is the furthest away from the reality here at home. My husband and I put a lot of effort into keeping things equal and provide activities geared to each of the children's age and developmental stages.
A couple months ago whilst watching a movie with my children, I turned my head and witnessed my SD preforming an unspeakable sexual act on my son. I acted accordingly, besides giving her a good whoop on the ass. She is 6. Whether she is disturbed or not, she is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. And to do it in front of me is another thing all together. Since then, I have been keeping them as separated as I can and my feelings for my SD have drifted so far that I am almost completely detached from her.
Coupled with her bad behavior, my lack of trust makes it unbearable to be around her. She goes to see her bio mom on the weekends and that is the only time that I feel like I can breathe, relax, and enjoy time with my husband.
I find myself sending her to her room frequently. I am tired of arguing with her, which is what always happens when I try to talk something out with her. She refuses to hear me, no matter how kindly or understanding I put things.
I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband so much and our relationship is abundant and healthy. Not something I want to throw away only because I can't stand his daughter. I've given up hope. I dread the idea of her as a teenager and dealing with her then.
Can anyone offer any consolence? Any advice? I have no idea what else to do at this point and a solution looks dim.
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Comments
Ohhhh myyyyyyyy living
Ohhhh myyyyyyyy living Lord!!!!!!!!!!
For boys I'd suggest salt peter in their beverages! This kid is in overdrive, she's 6 years old? Some of this has to be learned behavior, it really does not matter from where at this point. Pointing fingers really is not going to help much.
There are some medical conditions that will cause over active sex drive. Nymphomania springs to mind. Age 6 is young, though kids are maturing sexually faster these days?!
I think the people at NH..are correct, you do not want her to feel guilty about what she does to herself but to do it to someone else is totally inapropriate and she needs to unlearn these behaviors.
Has she had a gynae exam? Is there some sort of growth right at the point where she could feel aroused? Much as we all enjoy arousal could you cope with it constantly? Some women have 'spontaneous orgasms' and there's no apparent reason for it.
http://www.cracked.com/article_17503_5-bizarre-sexual-conditions-that-ca...
I read that and thought Ohhh shit! It's out there, poor kid! Poor you having to deal with it!
I told my bio daughter when she was 16 that she really should get to know her own body before she lets anyone else touch it.
Some brain injury? Trauma? Medical disorder that has gone undiagnosed?? I wish I knew some answers for you.
How is DH dealing with it? Is he afraid? I think I would be if I were in his shoes, a hyper sexual female child and attention being misconstrued?? Ohhh dear...it's a mess my friend.
I'd be consulting with doctors, seeing what the cause is, see how much actual development she has with sexual organs and maybe check her bladder and kidneys too. The urge to pee can make her touch herself, some people get aroused by the intense feelings of a full bladder. I'd be checking for anything, no matter how unlikely it sounds.
The act upon your son was something else entirely, I agree she must have learned what to do somewhere. I'd keep reminding her that it's inapropriate and that to do something like that to someone without them being (insert age for your state) is a big no no and she will find herself in big trouble. Not sure how to address statutory rape with a six year old? I am still boggled by all of this! I cannot even imagine your feelings.
There might be some suppressant medicines for females? How do they treat nymphomaniacs?
Above all I'd say this is not totally the gir's fault, I'd ask about most 6 year olds...even those who have been abused...and how their conduct is in the years afterwards.
It's a gratification, some kids eat candy! Kids are going to go for the 'instant fix' every time.
I have a friend who works in a hospital, I'll talk to her and see if she's encountered any similar incidences, she's a social worker at a children's hospital. It might be more common than we at first think?
I strongly suggest therapy
I strongly suggest therapy focused specifically on victims of sexual abuse. What you describe is common for children who have been sexually abused at a young age. Please get her the help she needs.
I'm so sorry that you and your family are dealing with such an awkward and painful situation. I truly empathize with you and your SD. This behavior can be mitigated with the appropriate therapy.
And, I agree with the other post about why in the world she's still visiting BM. Wow.
Your profile says you're 21
Your profile says you're 21 years old. Above you say you've been with SD's father since you were 16.5 and had a son (with him?) at age 18.5. I'm wondering where you managed such mastery of prose at your age while so busily developing your "instinct to nurture"? I'm a little skeptical of you and your story, mommyface21. I'm 51 years old and if I had a 2.5yo child, my first "instinct" would be to get the hell outta Dodge if I caught a 6yo skid performing an "unspeakable act" on him. Yet you have another "bun in the oven" according to your profile? Your story fringes on the unbelievable to me.
I struggled with no
I struggled with no consequences from DH on this one too. There are a whole host of reasons why kids behave like that and counsellor says softly softly, which sort of keeps the kid's mind in some sort of balance but I'd be definately taking this kid to a doctor...if indeed the story is true. I did not want to call bullshit on it...LOL just in case it was true!
If this poster is only 21 then she's barely stopped being a kid her own self. I know people who have been together since they were 15 years old and in long term relationships that really work out well. Some people have kids at 17, even younger too!
I don't know, this does seem odd for a 6 year old and a counselor is involved, seemingly, I would not like to be dealing with that.
Poster did say that there may
Poster did say that there may well have been foster homes, I really do not know much about sex abuse, except that there are very sick individuals, and even groups of people out there who prey on young children. It's not unusual for medical disorders to be a cause too, though. I'd be having her medically examined, to see if there is any damage to her internally, or to see if any conditions are present. It's a driving force with the child and therapy is crucial, as are examinations, IMO.
We are in intense therapy as
We are in intense therapy as designated by the state (Sessions 3 days a week, 1 day at home). There are many guidelines we are required to follow in order to have her remain in our home. We have a state worker in our home four days a week to observe her and to make sure we are are meeting the states expectations on such a touchy situation.
Yes, I am 21 years old. If you would like to judge me, you can kiss my butt. I am the best mom I can be, my own mother abandoned me at 12 and I have been on my own ever since. The only way I got away with staying out of the system was to claim that I was living with my father. I filed for emancipation at 13, and was awarded it at 14. To be emancipated here you MUST have a job (with valid job permits), an apartment secured, AND to remain in school. All of which I did. At 16 I trained to be a CNA and I am currently attending college, working on my bachelors in Medical Sciences. (1 year left, Woohoo!!) I aspire to be an RN someday, or even a doctor. The opportunities are endless. I strive in instill this virtue in my children.
Anyways, I don't need to explain my whole life story for you all to get the point. I love my SD, and have been there for her the best I could.
My kids are healthy, have clothing on their back , fed, go to school everyday, and can depend on a mother who does not use drugs or alcohol. As far as I'm concerned, there are many mothers twice my age who cannot say that confidently. To the ignorant eye, I may seem like a child still myself. I can assure you my childhood ended abruptly and I was forced to "Grow up". Notice the term "PARENTHOOD". This suggests that there are stages in parenting, correct? Just as one progresses through childhood or adulthood, one learns and grows with parenthood. I may be in the infancy stages of parenthood, but I am doing my damn best, and I will only learn more and get better with time.
Mothering came naturally to me, there is nothing more fulfilling then to take care of a child who needs you. It doesn't matter if they are your blood or not, OR what age you are if you have any maturity at all.
I'm glad this is how you guys were taught to treat others in need. Especially when one needs support, regardless of age.
I hope putting other mothers down makes you feel good inside.
If it's any help to you at
If it's any help to you at all I am aware, and have undergone the state evaluations, mantatory counselling and all of the things involved with that. SD is now 18 but at age 11 she began horrendous behaviors, I sincerely hope that getting counselling for your SD at her tender age will prevent her from doing what my SD did...promiscuity, three STD's , a rape that the story changes on often and a bad pap screen...drugs...alcohol...lesbianism (though no negative responses to that since it's not against the law or the rules). The catalog goes on and on with SD...
We believe that her mother abused her, physically and emotionally and her mother abandoned her and her twin brother when they were almost 11. We picked SD up from a hospital for disturbed children, after she gave her mother another chance (also she thought the grass was greener there too) and we got custody. There have been numerous arrests, detentions in juvenile hall and probationary periods.
DH and I did ALL of the mandatory and recommended things, played by the book, attended all of the hearings and did all of the things required of us.
SD would clam up at any mention of abuse from her mother, we paid for a private counselor for her and he almost got through to her but then she pitched a violent fit with him, because he was bringing her too close to the truth.
It's so sad that these kids have suffered so much at the hands of idiot, self absorbed, people who are supposed to take care of them.
On a positive note, SD got her GED at barely 16, with so little formal education, and straight out of juvenile detention got a good enough SAT score and went to university at barely 17. This is a smart kid!
You seem to have all your ducks in a row...
SD really does seem to have developed severe mental health issues and all because of ONE person! So much so that they are considering a diagnosis of 'emerging borderline personality disorder' Pardon me for sounding facetious but the one person I believe is responsible for most of this is the gargatuan freak BM, who even the juvenile judge banned from her court room! Counsellors firmly maintain that SD has a lot of 'learned behaviors' from her mother, who we believe has severe issues of her own.
I very well understand that a child can know right from wrong and still do wrong, kids often do not think like adults do though. They are very much in the moment and a consequence for a negative behavior is a learned thing with them too. No consequence, no lesson learned...right?
I commend you for your skills and for your efforts to deal with this girl, at your age most girls are out partying.
The juvenile record on SD here is inches thick, so bad that the judge sent her to a group home, they kicked her out because they could not handle her. Another group home did the same thing! She went back to her mother and the sh1t hit the fan again, this time her step dad was involved and he involved his elderly parents, actually called them to come witness this devil child, and he smacked SD in the face. SD was beyond 'handling' and the elderly people stupidly tried to intervene and got injured. They pressed charges! SD came back to us, back to the judge here and got drug court in leu of a two year sentence, she failed drug court and is now in a secure juvenile facility with a felony on her record. Everyone tried all they could to help her avoid that, knowing what the mitigating factors were.
SD made her choices but her mind was governed by her 'illness', the lingering insecurity, the love for her father and conflict of loving her mother after all that her mother did to her, the desire to get her parents back together, the loathing and jealousy of her brothers and me because she percieved we got daddy's attention, the love she felt for me and the conflict in her mind with her bio mom and the whole nine yard that make up the statistics and causes for disturbances in a child's mind and perspective, from all the perspectives I have gained from counsellors. I love this kid very much and it breaks my heart to see her going through all of this. I am sure you understand and share my feelings there.
I wish you well, I hope that this intervention from the state helps you avoid the issues that we had with SD. It's intensive, I know, but worth it in the long term.
Consistency is the key.
I decided not to fall victim to manipulations, the perspective I got was SD had learned what was going on and defied everyone in order to perpetuate her confused state of mind, whereby she could justify the bad things she did to make her 'feel' better. I kept that thought to myself until now actually!
I commend you for staying with this. A lot of people would run a mile...or several!
"I decided not to fall victim
"I decided not to fall victim to manipulations, the perspective I got was SD had learned what was going on and defied everyone in order to perpetuate her confused state of mind, whereby she could justify the bad things she did to make her 'feel' better."
That's really profound, giveitago, and probably applies in far more situations (thinking of Bozo & BH) than the one at issue here.
If I haven't already tainted myself out of this discussion, why are these BMs still allowed so much access to these kids if there is a hint that they might be responsible for the problem their children are suffering?
Thank you, reluctantgma, It
Thank you, reluctantgma, It took me a couple of years to get it though!
Wow. That's a pretty amazing
Wow. That's a pretty amazing story, mommyface21, and believable. You're pretty amazing too and I sincerely mean that in a positive way.
No, I have no wish to judge you, but can do so affirmatively with the additional information provided. I hope that you're able to find it in yourself not to take my skepticism personally. I've been online for over 20 years and know from personal experience that there are no shortage of people who make up stories and pretend to be someone or something they're not just to get their cookies off. It's pretty easy when everyone is parked behind a screen and faceless. I thank you for putting a face and some background to your original post.