I am a stepmother and bio mother. My children have had 5 or 6 stepmothers with their father, so I have a rather wide range of experience I think.

First, this chld is only 6 years old and I'd wouldn't take everything she says as the way it really happened. For instance, she says her mother is always busy, etc. That may or may not be true. There is nothing wrong witha six year sleeping with her mother. Nothing at all. I don't know about the clothes part. Over the years, when I was a stepmother who always seemed to get the stepchildren deposited on our doorstep with clothes that were either dirty, too small, didnt match, etc. found it was easier to not even unpack their clothes and just send them back as is. I always had spare clohes and shoes they wore at our house they I would not sent back with them. It was always the easier than getting upset, bitching about,etc. Trust me on this, one because i have had more fights and discussions than you can ever know about this clothes issue. It seems to be the standard them with stepkids. Just by an extra set of clothes, dont' say ANYTING about the clothes BM sent and you'll end up happier.

I am a stepmother and bio mother. My children have had 5 or 6 stepmothers with their father, so I have a rather wide range of experience fromthe BM and SM side I think.

First, this chld is only 6 years old and I'd wouldn't take everything she says as the way it really happened. For instance, she says her mother is always busy, etc. That may or may not be true. There is nothing wrong witha six year sleeping with her mother. Nothing at all. I don't know about the clothes part. Over the years, when I was a stepmother who always seemed to get the stepchildren deposited on our doorstep with clothes that were either dirty, too small, didnt match, etc. found it was easier to not even unpack their clothes and just send them back as is. I always had spare clohes and shoes they wore at our house they I would not sent back with them. Sometimes they would cry over a favorite shirt or coat and I would let them take those home. It was always the easier than getting upset, bitching about,etc. Trust me on this, one because i have had more fights and discussions than you can ever know about this clothes issue. It seems to be the standard with stepkids. Just buy an extra set of clothes, dont' say ANYTING about the clothes BM sent and you'll end up happier.

Were you the other woman? Just be cordial and nice, but don't like you are nonexistant. Everytime my kids had a NEW stepmom, the first thing I did was be nice to her...because I wanted her to be nice to my kids and always worked. I found out that if I treated her decent, she always treated my kids decent and i dont know why that is so hard for BM to learn. I tried to get Christmas presents for the kids to give her. THIS ALWAYS WORKED....if new stepmama had children, I always got a small present for their birthday for my kids to give them. Small things like this do work.

Good Luck. Always remember that this child is only six and they are easier to deal with rather than a 16 year old. My ex step son lived with us at 6 and now he is 30 and still comes around. You will have an impact on her life more than you know and she will love you.

Mommy Dearest - love your name-! Welcome to ST-!!

I get the idea the 'other woman' is BM - not that OP was the other woman.

But there have been plenty of people whose relationships started as affairs on here who have lasted as well as to my personal real life knowledge. I haven't done this but I don't judge those who have, usually there are issues that create that situation or they are looking for a way out of the relationship.

If you are there now, take control of your relationship and don't be afraid of BM. She has no more power over you than you give her.

I remember my mom wanted me to sleep with her when I was young and I did but even then I clearly thought it was strange and because she, the adult, did not want to sleep alone (my dad traveled a lot).

She is under no obligation to have any kind of relationship with you at all. She didn't marry nor have kids with you. Her only responsibility is to co-parent with her ex. If you were the other women, you will likely never have any kind of relationship with her. And that's ok. There is nothing wrong with that. We are custodial to my stepkids. They live with us every single day. I make 99.9% of the parenting decisions for all the kids...bio and step. Yet I have absolutely no relationship with my husband's ex-wife. He is the one who communicates with her. He and I may discuss stuff. But my husband and his ex are the ones who make the final parenting decisions.

And you really need to let go of the petty stuff. Who cares what kind of flip-flops the kid wears? Seriously. Is that really something you want to make an issue about? My kids have a closet full of expensive shoes and sandals. Most of the time they want to wear the 99 cent plastic flip flops because that's what most of the kids are wearing these days.

You are never going to be able to control what clothes mom or grandmother buy her. So let it go. Accept the fact that when you are non-custodial, you don't get a whole lot of say in the day-to-day stuff. You can make yourself crazy worrying about it. Or you can make a decision not to stress out about it.

As for sleeping with mom. Again, why is that a big deal? She is only 6 years old. And even if you think it is a huge issue, there is literally not one thing you can do about it.

And don't fall into the trap of believing everything a child tells you. Heaven only knows what that kid is telling mom about you and your husband. You don't want them believing everything she says about you, do you? Kids embellish, exaggerate, and flat out lie.

I'm not trying to be judgmental or harsh. But I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Just trying to save you a lot of stress. You are going to have to learn to let that kind of stuff go. Unless mom is upstairs doing crack off of a pimps belly, there isn't much you can do. Let it go.

Actually I could've sworn I read in an earlier "attempt" at a background blog that "Mrs. Perfect's" H was actually separated and NOT divorced yet when they got together - would'nt that make HER the OW?

I'm NOT judging, I'm just wondering if THAT's where the defensive response in her typical cruel fashion came from on this post? I mean, even when engaging others she simply stated she'd never been "dumped", NOT that she was never the reason someone else got dumped - that might explain taking a comment like that about someone else's situation so personally right? I also know when I brought up my recollection of this information when my own posts were being stalked & I was being attacked by this same poster before, suddenly I was reported to admin for "offensive" posting. Hmmm...

I'm reading your post as you were the OW. This is a hot topic for some of us. I originally found this site because my fiance cheated on me and had twins with his ex-girlfriend. No longer in that relationship. I explain that part to give you some perspective on what I'm about to say. None of which is meant to sound judgmental or harsh, but since it's writing and you can't "hear" tone of voice, here goes...

1. Decide for yourself if you carry some guilt or shame in how your relationship came to be. I get the impression from how you started your post that there may be some.

2. Realize that BM is entitled to those bitter feelings she may have. It is very hurtful to be on the other end of this situation. It is easy to assign blame to just the partner in the relationship or the OW from this perspective. It is easy to go back and forth in who you blame. Eventually, hopefully, BM will let go of that or it will eat her alive. But, that takes time, and while four years is kind of a long time, she has to do that in her own time. So, while I'm not excusing any behavior that is anything less than civil adult on her part, give her a tiny bit of slack for that emotion.

3. If you decide you carry some guilt/shame and you feel angry/defensive when you deal with BM, think about if your reactions are really worthwhile reactions or if they are these strong emotions. In other words, as I read in another post this morning, decide which "hills are worth dying on." Flip flops aren't worth it.

4. Let go of what you can't control. This is advice coming from the lady who two weeks ago in therapy said, "I know I'm a control freak. I can't help it. I just wish I could learn how to control it." So, I know ALL about how hard this can be. But, life is so much more fun when you don't sweat the small stuff that you can't change anyway.

5. No matter what relationship you ever have with your SO or SD, you are not SD's parent. Respect her mom's role. Respect her dad's role. I say this for your relationship with SD. Kids pick up on these things, and parents push these things. That's not to say don't enforce rules or expect respect, but when it comes down to it, you're not the parent.

Welcome. I hope you find what you're looking for.