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what to do!?!

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Wed, 01/19/2011 - 9:36am

This is my first post, so sorry for the length. To sum up things, I am the sm to 4, who live with their bm's (I have 2 ... yes TWO... crazy bm to deal with) anyway, two ss live near us and they visit regularly. But my youngest ss and sd live very far away and I have yet to even meet them because of long drawn out court battles and fleeing with kids etc.
Problem I need advice on is that he never calls the younger one's and seems to be ignoring the bm's attempts to contact him about flying them here for visits and such (their agreement actually has the bm required to fly here WITH the kids for their visits, on our tab)
Can anyone out there give advice on how to encourage him to communicate with the kids far away, aside from nagging him to death about it? My own kids currently live with their bf in another state, and I am all about keeping up constant communication with them! It is so vital.

Comments

ddakan's picture

Submitted by ddakan on Wed, 01/19/2011 - 9:56am

You can lead a horse to water......but they have to want to drink it. You can't nag him, but you can be observant and take advantage of any opportunity to "help" him. Maybe he doesn't WANT to pay for BM to come for a visit. Ew. You're sweet for wanting to help, but sometimes they don't want our help, they want to be left alone.

My DH has a daughter who he hasn't seen since she was 2. DH and BM had this kid at 18 and BM took the baby with help from her mother. The mother put a gun to DH's beautiful head and threatened to kill him. It was UGLY.

Anyway, after I came into the picture, I looked her up, got pictures from annuals from the library so he could see her pictures. I sent her an email and gave her our address. 7 years later she contacted me on facebook interested in meeting her father.

We have gotten very friendly in the past few months and we are scheduled to meet her on March 18 for a weekend in a hotel with her children, husband, ds9 and dh. His daughter is 27. Everyone is very excited....except BM and grandma....and they can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. Who takes a baby away from its parent like that? effing hateful bitches, that's who.

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Wed, 01/19/2011 - 10:18am

I completely see your point. And I certainly do NOT want to nag or push and turn it into a battle between us! But the problem I have is that he is going to regret it in a BIG way! to explain a bit more, the 2 youngest skids were taken a year ago under false pretenses, and never returned. Custody had not been determined yet (continuence after continuence)and so bm just got a slap on the hand, for breaking interstate rules. He lost the custody battle because the kids formed a bond with the family there, and the court didnt want to uproot them yet again. It is being revisited AGAIN in a few months, and he has literally only called them once since October, when he was last in court.
What makes it more challenging, when he was going through court at that time, he lost focus of the 2 skids that live close to us. Its like he doesnt know how to split his attention between both sets of kids, and father both simultaneously. FRUSTRATING!

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Wed, 01/19/2011 - 11:21am

I agree with ddakan, that you can encourage all you want but it's ultimately up to him to step it up and be a father to ALL of his children. If you are going through a custody battle over those kids that live far away, he'll never EVER win if he doesn't care enough to even call. I don't get this.

I can understand not wanting to go through the BM to talk to your kids, because that does suck, especially if you can't stand her. But there are plenty of times you need to just suck it up and be an adult.

I would keep encouraging him to have a relationship with them. I also would say to him often that he needs to do what's best for the CHILDREN, not what happens to be most convenient at the time.

momma_of_many's picture

Submitted by momma_of_many on Wed, 01/19/2011 - 11:42am

Thank you! I agree. He will lose for certain in court if he can't even pick up the phone. I'm certain it has to do with not wanting to go through the BM or her family. But then again, I have purchased halloween cards for him to send them, and christmas cards, and even a birthday card for sd (yes, he didnt call on any of those days) It makes me really sad and disappointed in him.
I hate hate HATE calling my bkids because I have to go through a 20 minute session of mental anquish from their bf before they come on the phone. But I call them regularly because I love them and miss them and I want them to know it!