I'm all for doing SOME activities together to show you can get along. But not as a regular thing. My ex was alone on Christmas day as a kindness I invited him over for Xmas dinner. Next you thing you know he's asking me to go on walks with him and our son. No. 

My ex, my SO and I had a family conference about a problem BS had in school. Great. We are all going to the same school social occasion tomorrow. But I hope we don't hang out together. I want to meet new parents at my son's new school.

I agree with Elkclan... SOME activites together is good.

If all the parents involved can sit through a baseball/soccer/softball/basketball game together and root for the kid- AWESOME!

If all the parents involved can go to parent teacher conferences together- Great!

Do they need to have sunday dinners together- NOPE.

Joint family vacations- NOPE.

It's all about finding a balance but most importantly that the kids know that their parents talk/email/text about them. That they can't play sides against eachother to get what they want. That they will be held accountable at both homes. 

I don't think that the parents should maintain a social relationship.  I say no to regularly recurring celebrations like holidays and birthdays.  Those should generally be separate for each parent.  There will be certain events like graduations and weddings where it would be nice if the parties could get along in a civil and (acting) friendly manner.  Kid's sporting events and performances can include the parents seeing and saying hello, but I don't think they need to be sitting together as if they are still a couple.  Things like parent teacher conferences can be jointly done.. but again, the focus is on the parent/teacher relationship not each other really.

I don't think it's so much for the danger that the child will fantasize about them getting back together.. .but more for the fact that the parents should be leading socially independant lives.. that is why they divorced right?

I know my DH's Aunt did more with her ex.. she swallowed her bitterness at the "other woman" and went on vacations etc.. "for the kids".. honestly.. every single one of her kids has some major issue now...as adults.. I don't think what she sacrificed made any difference in their lives...except to make them perhaps more self centered.

My kids' dad and I get along relatively well, but it took several years to establish.  We always remained cordial with each other and I have never taken that for granted, especially with the horror stories you hear and my DH's ex wife who is a ridiculous POS.  My son is now about to be 21 (dad and I split when he was 4) and he says it's great that we are able to be friends, though at times he thought it was strange.  We'd always lived in different states until 2 years ago and we're actually now in the same town.  Even still, we aren't doing weekly get togethers.  I think we've struck a nice balance that works for all of us.  I don't think we'd be in the place we are in today had we been forced to attend all the same functions- games, ceremonies, etc.  No thanks.  I agree with some contact.  Also, wine helps during said contact.

We do virtually everything seperate, (helps psycho doesn't show up to school events or sports very often...) though a large part of that is Psycho's behavior. The first year we were married we did try ONE combined birthday party. It ended up being an absolute disaster, Psycho made it all about her, she kept dragging kids away, yelling at them if they so much as looked at me (the one that funded and set-up the party... *eye roll*) so we decided those should be seperate as well. That just caused a LOT of extra stress on the kids, and tried my patience enough I thought she may have a broken nose by the end of the party.

I don't agree with doing vacations together. I think it gives kids false hope, and VERY few things are more cruel than false hope.I also don't agree in going out as a "happy family." for the same reason.

I think what's best for everyone is allowing everyone to function as two seperate families, making sure the kids understand they can receive love from both (we're struggling with that though thanks to Psycho) but also helping them understand it's seperate and that there's no chance of BM and BD getting back together. The sooner they adjust to that and the false hope ends, the sooner they can move past it too. Giving a kid false hope and preventing them from moving on because you're playing happy family "for the kids" is a rotten and rather cruel move in my eyes.

We will get along when needed - like BM coming up to visit and go to SDs kindergarten graduation ceremony last year, and if we lived closer, we'd do other school events together. But not holidays. I think it crosses a line when you're doing things that aren't all about the kid - but about family - together. 

If you ask me, kids schooling/sports events are events centered around the kid. Holidays, birthdays, etc. are centered around the family. You shouldn't be trying to play family with exes on family days. It's confusing to the kids and inappropriate/uncomfortable for the stepparent.  

I think it all depends on the type of person you are dealing with. Me personally, with my sons father I would not under any circumstances do any activities together with him and our son. Any little thing and he would get the twisted idea that there is still a chance. I try not to leave anything up for assumption so I remove myself 100%. There were some situations like open school night, graduation, and such that we would be in the same space but if I could help it I would not. Again it depends on the type of individual you are with.

My sons father is controlling and has psycho tendancies so I deal with him from a distance.

It depends.

BM treated DH so terribly during the divorce that he doesn't like to spend time with her much and limits interactions.  They do see each other at school events but do not go together.  I go sometimes too, but don't interact much with her. 

BM used to come to our area to get her xmas tree with us (it was cheap and u-cut) and I disliked that - basically I was instantly ignored.  AND one year she didn't have her checkbook, so guess who paid for HER tree and WHO she never reimbursed?  I insisted we get a fake tree the other year (save costs and time and mess and watering - I was the only one who made sure the tree was watered and didn't burn our house down) and got myself out of that situation.  Last year SD14 was complaining that we didn't have a 'real tree' (she was all for a huge fake one when we got it) and that everyone didn't go....whatevs.

I'll never forget the couple with a kid (about 6 yo or so) who came to look at our prior rental house.  They had been divorced for several years, and she was going to live there primarily with the kid and the husband would be there a lot as well because they "wanted to make it easier for our son" to have a family.  DH and I died when they left.  That husband so CLEARLY didn't want any part of it.  LOL. Poor guy.

...BM used to cry (yes, cry) that it was hurting the children that DH wouldn’t sit with her at sporting events. However, DH didn’t sit with her because she had a habit of getting in his face and harassing him - telling him what he had to do for her, demanding he pay CS early, etc. Both SSs have commented that they wish BM wouldn’t yell at DH in public.

BM is only happy when she feels like she is controlling DH and I feel like that’s not a good situation for SSs, so joint events will never happen for us.