This site is so rad. I know I have been a posting machine over the last couple of days and let me just say, having this place to just vent out everything that I'm feeling inside has been SO THERAPEUTIC.

I took today off work because I was so wound up and we have SD3 this weekend so I wanted to be calm. I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to be a good stepmom and I've been getting very emotionally involved. It's hard not to. SO thinks I'm doing great and I came out looking pretty good in the GAL report, so that's good BUT I can't kill myself to try to make everyone happy.

When shit's going down, I need to distance myself from it and not get so personally involved. This is SO's mess, he's the one having to pay stupid tax for having a kid with a psychopath. It's my job to stay focused and grounded for him during this difficult time. I'm trying to re-think SD3's relationship with us and her residential time given the current situation, which may not necessarily change for some time.

I decided to think of it like she's some family member's kid that we watch at regular intervals. That we are basically part time nannies to her and that's about it. Because really, potentially, with the way things are now, we get no decision making input on anything in her life. That may or may not change, but we just don't know. All I can go on is what we have right now.

It's tough for SO because he wants to continue to be a father to her the way he always has. But frankly, that's up to the court to determine if he has that right. It's really sick to think of all the deadbeat dads out there, and here's a guy who really gives a shit and it's like he has to jump through hoops for the right to be a father to his child. Whatever. He may not get that chance with this one because of who he chose to have her with.

One thing this experience has taught me is that I'm a really great mom. I mean yeah I'm confused and don't always know what I'm doing (hello parenthood) but I have good instincts. I've always wanted to have a kid but was always afraid that I couldn't handle it, because it's such a big deal to be responsible for bringing another little person into the world. But this experience has not only taught me that I *can* do it, but that SO is a great partner, and if we ever wanted to give that a try, he would be totally supportive and I wouldn't feel totally on my own. That is such a great feeling

SO and I are a really good team. He listens to me and I learn from him. He is nurturing and extremely caring. He openly shows affection to both SD3 and myself and is open about showing his emotions, both joy and tears. SD3 is very lucky to have him as a daddy, and we have just decided that no matter what happens going forward, all that we can do is fight to be a part of her life, and always make sure she has the same consistent, stable, and positive experience whenever she spends time with us. So no matter how BM tries to poison her against us, her own experiences will tell her differently. So no matter what happens, she knows that we are here for her and will do whatever we can.

At some point though, especially in a process like this, you kind of have to let go of any illusions of control and any expectations or hopes you might have. Both of us are just working to accept the situation as it is and just do our best to protect ourselves from BM and to be a positive influence in SD3's life. Really that's all we can do, and if that's what we're hoping for then I think we can achieve that