Heart hurts whole body hurts
I can't put my finger on what happens here to cause this, but sometimes the events line up just right and it's a perfect storm- with yelling, swearing, and utterly unsustainable anger and emotion.
These four older kids still bicker, tattle, and I think, play us until DH loses it and stalks away to his cave place so that we won't fight.....and then something in me snaps and I just short-circuit. I am left with all the kids and I lose my shit. This is what I did tonight.
DH had wanted to celebrate Cinco de Mayo- tacos, margaritas, N/A margaritas for kids. Dinner, bedtime for kids, adult time for us.
DD said something to me about SStwinA11 sitting in her chair in the basement (he is as lazy as the day is long, perfectly content to sit and watch everyone else work- DD was chopping tomatoes, DS11 was helping with DS3, SStwinB11 was making his lunch for tomorrow) and I had the nerve to tell him to come up to (think quick of some chore he can do- ok- take his damn clothes out of the dryer). DH says, "DD's rollerblades are on the floor in the garage." I tell DD to go clean them up and when she goes out she insists that she had put them away before. SStwinA was the last one out there, and she says that she suspects that he threw hers on the floor. This would not be unlike him but it also would not be unlike her to try to stir. shit.
DH got angry and went upstairs after they sat to eat. I lit into ALL kids and told them that they SUCK and that if they are happy that the evening has taken this turn, they can take their tacos and go to hell. And other awful things. Went to say goodnight to DS3 and just started crying. He doesn't deserve this fighting and mayhem. I'm still trying to figure out wth happened, exactly, to cause such a quick turnaround in the evening. I am more strict than DH, who thinks that chasing kids doesn't necessarily help. I think that letting them go and being inconsistent will help even less.
Do you feel like in your stepfamily ("blended family"- that saying can FUCK OFF- blenders are nice things that make green drinks and frozen drinks and other lovely things. This just SUCKS) the same patterns occur over and over and OVER again and no matter how much you try to break down the behaviors, or talk about how much things need to change ("name it to tame it", etc...nothing EVER changes?! I have not said good night to MY babies. And there is no way I would have treated them like this if the SSs had not been here. DH and I would not be fighting if the SSs weren't here!!!
I am going to end up in an institution. This doesn't happen often but when it does....it's awful.
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Just did. Thank you, Luv. I
Just did. Thank you, Luv. I do feel better. Biology is truly amazing. My DS11 and DD are both really good at being kids and being human- so am I of course- but omg the pain that is not saying goodnight to them.
Sigh.
Wonder when DH and I will talk about this particular instance? I wonder when DH and I will begin to act like adults in the face of all the piles of stepshit we keep stepping in? Or is it just kidshit or familyshit? Have I made this about the stepfamily when it doesn't need to be such a polarized charged THING?
OMG thank you, McK and Luv,
OMG thank you, McK and Luv, for your compassion and for sharing the stuff you go through in your families. Maybe these are just human things or family things. It is so hard. I KNOW that nothing is perfect but rather perfectly imperfect....and that some fighting will occur in relationships and in families......and I know that for all the frustration, I love DH and yes his kids too. AND that without this stepfamily we would not have had DS3. It is just SO HARD!!!!! Have a good night, ladies. McK, was your DD ok? Was it a hard thing that your SD threw? I would have been furious too!! I am so glad that your DH did that tonight! And Luv, here's to maybe someday that we don't have to always "hope for the best but expect the worst" on these days that we build up in our minds as having the potential to be FUN!
I do believe that someone on
I do believe that someone on here said something similar and I've been trying to think of it for days, but your list is maybe one word more comprehensive: "...breathing, burning, bones, blood, or bullying..."
I do think I need to make this the CODE in this house, when the four are together. I can't live like this anymore, with the older four not being able to sort any problems out. I am starting to think it's a cry for attention, but they all get plenty of attention and I am a big sap with my own two so it's not like I'm babying the 3-year-old and not them- wth?! And who knows what's going on to make SSs need to act like this- they fight horribly whether they're with my two or with their horrid BM. Thank you, Notthemomma.
I lost it yesterday when I
I lost it yesterday when I found a pile of rice next to, not in, the trash bin. A certain SD12 tends to randomly aim for the trash. I just started yelling about the crap I have to put up with and why NO ONE cares but me so I'm stuck doing the maid service and I'm sick of it, etc, etc. SD10 was super quiet, SD12 wasn't there (in her room with electronics as usual), and DP getting defensive.
It happens. DP and I talk it out, now I'm over it.
awww, MJL... this happens to
awww, MJL... this happens to the best of us. i've gotten better at NOT lashing out at the kids, but the last time i had a breakdown, another step commented something that totally said it all in one brief synopsis -
"The constant tension and negativity really is like a dark cloud just hovering over the house. Sorry, tuff. Sad I understand how sometimes something relatively small will just set off a cascade of "WTF am I doing here????""
i hope you're doing better this morning. today is a new day.
One thing I did with my bios
One thing I did with my bios and the tattling. If I didn't see or hear it, I will just assume both are guilty. After being consistent, the tattling stopped.
Ah yes. You are all making
Ah yes. You are all making sense. From Clever on down, thank you so much for responding. It all makes sense and is so damn hard to do in the moment but I need to pull up my skirt and get the hell on with it. Enough is enough!!
I want to say one thing about last night. This is so strange that I have to share it. So....I fell asleep alone in our bed after the whole nasty episode. DH was downstairs, I assume watching tv. At 2:00 I woke up to the sound of breathing. Rhythmic, unmistakable human sleep breathing. As we close the pocket doors that separate the front of the house/upstairs from the back of the house, each night, I assumed that DH had come upstairs and was sleeping on the chaise in the yoga room (attached to our bedroom), and that I had just slept through his coming into the room. I lay there listening to him breathe for a minute, then I decided to bring my computer downstairs to charge it (I'd been doing work before I fell asleep). Imagine my surprise when, downstairs, DH got up off the couch. So he wasn't up in the yoga room, dog and cats were downstairs with him, kids were in their rooms. WHO THE HELL WAS I LISTENING TO? Baby monitor is downstairs. Our house is not huge but not small-2500 sq. ft.- and no way could I have heard any breathing from DD or DS3's rooms. Kind of fun. Wondering if it was a "visit" from someone, what it means!
Ah yes. You are all making
Ah yes. You are all making sense. From Clever on down, thank you so much for responding. It all makes sense and is so damn hard to do in the moment but I need to pull up my skirt and get the hell on with it. Enough is enough!!
I want to say one thing about last night. This is so strange that I have to share it. So....I fell asleep alone in our bed after the whole nasty episode. DH was downstairs, I assume watching tv. At 2:00 I woke up to the sound of breathing. Rhythmic, unmistakable human sleep breathing. As we close the pocket doors that separate the front of the house/upstairs from the back of the house, each night, I assumed that DH had come upstairs and was sleeping on the chaise in the yoga room (attached to our bedroom), and that I had just slept through his coming into the room. I lay there listening to him breathe for a minute, then I decided to bring my computer downstairs to charge it (I'd been doing work before I fell asleep). Imagine my surprise when, downstairs, DH got up off the couch. So he wasn't up in the yoga room, dog and cats were downstairs with him, kids were in their rooms. WHO THE HELL WAS I LISTENING TO? Baby monitor is downstairs. Our house is not huge but not small-2500 sq. ft.- and no way could I have heard any breathing from DD or DS3's rooms. Kind of fun. Wondering if it was a "visit" from someone, what it means!