When and how to meet the ex
I think I need to meet my BF's ex sooner rather than later. I've been putting it off because he wasn't legally divorced until January 1 -- and then I put it off more because the child's birthday was mid-January.
At that time, my BF wanted to throw separate parties so that I could be at at least one of the parties. But I asked him to consider a joint birthday party with his ex because 1) this was the first mom-and-dad-aren't-together party and 2) I wanted to set the tone for future conduct (birthdays, emergency room trips, graduations, etc.). I didn't realize that I would be uninvited -- but I was. I told myself I was OK with it just this one time, but I wasn't. BF and I talked and the point was raised that I *need* to meet his ex so that I don't get uninvited from another important life event.
But how to do it? They don't talk or co-parent. All exchanges of the child are done through daycare. No holidays or other "mingle" events are coming up. I don't have her contact information, but I could easily get it without being sneaky. Do I need to go through him and get his blessing to make this happen? Do I go outside of him and set up a meeting? Do I just send her a letter with MY contact information and a request to meet and let her do the rest?
What I want out of this is 1) for her to know I'm a responsible adult who won't hurt her baby, 2) to get the initial awkward meeting out of the way so that it won't happen in an emergency room or at a birthday or something, and 3) respect from my BF to where it's not even a consideration that I be uninvited from something. Yes, she's his ex -- but *I* am his future. Don't I deserve to be higher up on the priority pole?
Any suggestions for how to make this meeting happen would be desperately appreciated.
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Comments
Why do you care so much about
Why do you care so much about what she thinks about you? You don't need to meet her or deal with her at all. You are the interloper, she isn't going to accept you (based on what you've said). Let it go. If you aren't getting support from FH now you aren't going to get it later. Suggest you think hard about getting married. Sorry to be a killjoy.
*edit ... you metioned that he wanted separate parties so you would be present at one of them - I think you already knew what was going to happen and so did he.
Please, listen to everyone.
Please, listen to everyone. You do NOT want to stir that pot.
honestly, TRYING to meet her
honestly, TRYING to meet her might make it even more awkward and even harder on you, especially if their divorce was just finalized a month ago. I havent read your previous blogs so I dont know how she acts or your history, but most bm's on this site are crazy and hate the sm's. I wouldnt try to force it if I was you. I would of been very happy to never have to meet bm here. Shes CRAZYYY and hates me and I didnt do anything to her.
I personally do not agree
I personally do not agree with meeting the Ex. You will not get what you want from this meeting. IF you feel strongly about it, (and I advise you NOT to ) you could call her and meet at a coffee shop.
This is a recently completed divorce. The last thing your BF's EX is interested in doing is meeting you. Sorry for being harsh, but that's the way I see it. Does his Ex blame you for the fall of their relationship? Most Exs do when the other parent has moved on so quickly.
My question to you is- Why were you uninvited to his child's Bday party? At the Ex's request?
Yes. BF warned me a joint
Yes. BF warned me a joint party would mean she would ask me not to be there. And then she did, indeed, ask for me not to be there because "I want to be comfortable on my child's birthday." [Him quoting her email to me -- I didn't see it.]
Then you know where you stand
Then you know where you stand with joint parties. I have always advised againist joint bday parties for Skids. You will eventually meet her, at some funtion in the future or pickup/dropoff. Don't force the issue.
And advise your BF to schedule Separate Bday parties going forward.....
it will happen on its own, i
it will happen on its own, i wouldn't force it. i met my husband's ex after we were dating for about 3 months. the skids had already told her a lot about me, my husband had told her, its not like i was a secret. she came out to the car with the kids one day, we were introduced, we shook hands and said hi, it wasn't anything special, but i don't think it needs to be. she and i have a decent relationship. its not like we're friends, but if we need to talk or be at school events, we can be pleasant to each other. she isn't that bad. but then, it wasn't me who was married to her!
let it happen naturally in a normal setting.
I don't think I ever really
I don't think I ever really met her, offically. The first time I stayed the night at DH's house his ex came early to drop SD off for school and had a FIT that my car was in the driveway. It's been hell since that day.
I don't think there really is
I don't think there really is a good reason for you to meet. She's already made it clear she's not ready for that yet, so pushing for it is not going to help.
The fact of the matter is, if she has concerns about the person around her child, she will ask to meet you. Obviously she is not concerned. And meeting her won't guarantee that you won't be uninvited in the future. You'll meet her when it happens.
Trust me, if she was
Trust me, if she was concerned that you would harm her child(ren) she will make it known. I think it would be best to just wait it out. I never really met my So's ex wife. But she had no problem texting or calling my SO to ask if "I" would watch the kids on her time so she could go out or if I could take one of her kids to practice and such.
Uninvited? I would go
Uninvited? I would go anyway.
As for meeting the X. Why plan it? Just be with your SO and you will have ample opportunity, if you consider it an opportunity, to meet the X.
I have never formally met my SS's BioDad but I have been in the same place he has been in on a few occasions. I pretty much claim the space and be where I want to be when he and I are in the same place at the same time.
He knows that when I am there, it is my space and he has to navigate appropriately. If he wants to talk with my wife, he asks, if he wants to interface with the kid, he asks.
He does not necessarily ask me, he asks my wife but he looks at me when he asks and everyone in the area is abundantly aware of who is the one granting permission for him to speak to my wife or interface with my SS.
I have never said more than a word or two to the man so I am not sure what the deal is other than I am confident in my relationships with my wife and my son and I am am attentive and protective of those relationships he and the SpermClan recognize all of this.
So, I would not worry about a formal meeting or getting her any message at all other than the message she will get when you are with your SO and Skids, whenever and wherever you want to be. If she assumes that you are a reasonable adult, fine and good for her. If not, who gives a shit what she thinks?
Your BF's X has all of him she will ever have. His past. You are his present and future. Don't sweat what his past thinks or wants. You and he should focus on making your relationship the core of your family and letting the kids benefit from the strong relationship that the two of you have. Don't sweat the X.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Your intentions are noble and
Your intentions are noble and hey i applaud you for it but i also hate to break it to ya but you will never get to set the tone for anything, much less major events. If they dont even talk then i wouldnt go out of my way to create a huge headache for myself. If it happens it happens and if it never comes up count yourself lucky. Not to be jaded or anything.
i wouldn't push for it. if
i wouldn't push for it. if she wants to meet you she'll make it happen on the bm's side, yeah i wanted to meet my ex's "future" but she refused to "meet" and we have since clashed. i met my dh's ex in the emergency room, i wasn't going to go in BUT my dh (fiance' at the time) came out, while i was sitting in the parking lot running the car simply cause i didnt' know i was "invited in" so i go in, we say a whole 30 seconds get the other sd (so she could go home and go to bed) i introduce myself after she does and we leave
i wouldnt push for it, eventually, you'll meet her and probably regret it
Honey, I think you need to
Honey,
I think you need to understand something - BM has made it pretty clear. She doesn't want to see you much less have a relationship with you. Chances are BM will never like you, will say nasty things about you - hopefully not to her child & if you're lucky she will continue to go out of her way to avoid you. How many amicable BM/SM relationships do I personally know of? NONE. I read about one once or twice.
It does not help matters that you met FDH before the divorce was even final. Hell, DH & I met 13 years ago 3 years after they broke up & I am still identified as "the red headed hussy" - even have court transcripts & phone recordings to prove it.
I commend your optimism,but I wouldn't count on even civil relations.
I agree with everyone
I agree with everyone here...your intentions are very noble, but it's true, nothing good would come of meeting her. Just think, the less you know of her in any form, the less drama there is. I didn't meet BM until SD's high school graduation, after DH and I were together for 3.5 years. I've only met her twice in the 2 years since then, and those are all 3 times too many. In my case, SD was older so it wasn't so critical to know who she was around when with DH, but as the others have said, if BM has any concerns, she'll make it clear when she wants to meet you. I'd say "go with the flow" with whatever your BF wants since the most important thing is to keep a nice relationship with him.
My now DH had the bright idea
My now DH had the bright idea to take me by BM's to meet her. He was over her so figured, since she had filed, that she was equally adult. He asked her first, so she knew we were coming and agreed to it. Hell no. While I stood there in the kitchen, she had a swearing fit and ran out of the house and drove away. Then lovely SD (18) swore at her dad about his slut GF. Me, I said nothing, just watched the antics. He was impressed with my cool. Of course, BM had a BF and everything but that was 'different' I guess. Since then it's been arm's length on my part, she is overly friendly sometimes and cold other times. Don't really care. Once in a while, several years in now, DH asks why she and I can't be better...acquaintances? I tell him I don't care to really be around her very often. And we're not, since we live very far away. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I still resent her alienation of the kids, lousy parenting that caused tons of drama, trying to cheat DH on property sales and income tax, etc. She had a great husband and trashed her marriage...maybe I should feel sorry for her. Nah. Lazy ass slacker cheater...
I have to agree with the
I have to agree with the other ladies. Why involve yourself, your life is peaceful now, don't invite mayhem into it, if she if she's your typical BM mayhem will soon be a part of your everyday life, enjoy the peace you have while you have it.
I am on both sides of the fence here, I wouldn't bat an eye if I never set eyes on, heard BM's name or ever seen her face again. I can't stand herm,and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. She has faked nice to suit her needs then as soon as she has no use for us, of gets a hair up her a$$ she turns back into C*ntzilla.
On the otherside of things, I get along well with my EX's FDH, but neither of us went out of our way to meet each other, it started with hello and goodbye when picking up or dropping off, over time things happened and we started building a civil relationship, but that too was after a year or so of them dating. I am the exception to the rule with my kids SM,it is by no means the NORM!
Really just keep your distance and enjoy your drama free realtionship while it last!