The past two months have been a rough patch in The Relationship. FDH moved back into his house while BM moved out; FDH turned 30 while I also aged up another year; I did a lot of traveling and public speaking for work (and still have more to go this summer); and we started couples counseling.

For the past 7 days, I've thought of leaving. Of just saying "Fuck it" and getting out. I already took back my things from FDH's marital house (he moved them from the apartment along with his things) because it just doesn't feel right seeing my clothes on BM's recently vacated side of the closet. I've tried to create space in the relationship because I know that FDH needs to work on himself and I know that I need to be paying close attention to my own thought patterns and actions to make sure I'm not losing myself the way I did with my ex-fiance. I have tried, without much success, to tell myself that it's neither my fault nor my problem if FDH cannot get it together.

Yesterday, I felt like I had a breakthrough. That I finally internalized that it is NOT my fault OR my problem if he's a hot mess. That FSD3, as much as I care for her, is not mine and I've not been invited to be anything more than this lady who comes around (and doesn't tolerate crap) for a few days out of a month. I only need to look out for myself right now -- and I've already done so by taking my things out of that house. I just need to establish conduct expectations for FDH and for myself so that the space where The Relationship takes place feels safe.

I want to continue in this relationship. I want to be FDH's partner as much as I want him to be mine. I value his integrity, his work ethic, his sense of humor and his generosity. I accept that he's fundamentally insecure, has anger management issues, and is not over his ex. I realize that I am controlling, neurotic, and have weird hangups about abandonment. I really, really like myself even so, however, and if I change, I am not changing for him. I am evolving into the me I'm supposed to become.

Yes, terribly existential, I know. Give me a break -- I'm only halfway through my morning cup of coffee.

Now to sort out the future. To a certain point, I realize drama needs to stay inside The Relationship and that venting to outside sources creates still more drama. But when things got REALLY ugly in the last two weeks (the excessive drinking, the anxiety around the house, etc.), I did crack and ask advice from outside sources. Nearly all of them said what it was the therapist said: "Most people as young as you quit the relationship."

It's frustrating. People in my situation usually DO leave. An alcoholic-in-training boyfriend? No thanks. A frustrated 3-year-old with inconsistent structure and boundaries AND NO FREAKING BEDTIME? Ugh. Couples counseling when I'm not even engaged? Are you freaking serious?!

But my life can't be defined by others expectations. If I want to stay, I should stay. If I want to leave, I should leave. Whatever I do, I need to be responsible for my own actions and make sure that I am taking care of myself and giving ME what *I* need instead of trying to give FDH what *I* think HE needs.

So instead of the texting and phone calls that always somehow leave me sad and anxious, I'm scaling back to the way we first met: mile-long emails exchanged at night. They're two parts daily dispatch to one part love letter -- and it does not escape me that mine are structured the way my Granny's letters were to her husband when he was deployed for WWII. It helps me to think that FDH *is* away fighting a war -- against his past, against his ex, against himself. What's going on with him has nothing to do with me and so creating this layer of separation spares me the worst of the emotional fallout.