BM fishing for something
DH has his intake appointment with Family Justice Services on Friday at BM request to review CS for SD15 and SD20. She wants more money.
The current agreement (2013) is that due to the high level of family debt he took from the divorce he not have a formal CS payment but will pay for gymnastics and help when he can. Out side of that agreement he has verbally agreed since June of 2015 to pay BM $200 per month in addition to the $770 a month from the "family debt" (not paid until Oct 2018), which means he pays $970.00 per month. PLUS he has paid half (not income proportion..his is 33%..hers is 67%)of band trips, prom fees, and any other function....plus much more that has been documented.
So yesterday DH gets a text from BM asking if he was sending her money tomorrow ( paid on the 1st of every month) for CS because she is taking the skids to the city (7 hours away) to go school shopping and SD15 wanted to get some things for school.
Why would she even ask that question as DH has NEVER been so much as even late with a payment. We think it was to guilt DH into paying more money towards school shopping...laying the hint that SHE is taking them out of town and HE should do something more as well.
Anyway..he didn't answer her stupid question...and OMG. It was almost funny how she panicked when she didn't get an answer. She even went so far as to get SD20 to text her father to tell him that BM was trying to get hold of him.
I probably shouldn't have gotten involved but DH is finally realizing how often BM texts for no reason or it's only to say that DH doesn't do his share and she has be the only one to deal with the emotional and financial burdens since the divorce. I don't normally stick my nose into DH's issues with BM. He normally deals with it but he asked my opinion. I told him that he didn't need to answer any texts that wasn't' directly related to a relevant issue with the skids. BM shouldn't have involved SD20 but SD20 needed a response. DH looks at me and says What should I say? So I (with DH standing next to me) text SD20 from DH phone....
Me: HI SD20! This is SM. Your dad isn't here right now...is there an emergency?
SD20: No, my mom is trying to get hold of Dad. It's important.
Me: Oh ok. He isn't home right now but if she would like to text him a message I can forward it on to him....he has my phone. We switched for the evening.
SD20: What's your number so she can call my Dad? (SD20 HAS my phone number!)
Me: I would prefer she didn't have my number thanks. If it's really important she can text your Dad on his phone and I will pass on the message. I'm sorry your Mom has put you in the middle of this..it's really nothing to do with you.
SD20: I'm not in the middle. She texted him earlier so obviously you seen the messages.
ME to BM from DH phone: There is no need of putting SD20 in the middle of any issues you have. And why would you ask that question anyway?
BM: OMG why are you getting on like that? Just because you are in a bad mood don't take it out on me. You were ignoring my texts and I didn't know if you weren't getting them or you had me blocked.
BM: IS this SM? SD20 says he doesn't have his phone and now I'm getting messages
BM: I don't know what game you are trying to play
BM: If this is SM..I don't need any parenting advice from you thank you very much.
DH to SD20: Dad is gone to bed with a headache. I will call you in the morning.
BM to DH: I realize that you are gone to bed with a headache and probably won't see this until morning but any future any communication between us will be by phone call only. I will not be texting again thanks to your lovely wife. I have no way of knowing if I am talking to you or not. I wanted to talk to you about the mediation before you went to your appointment with Family Justice Services.
DH has decided that there will be no phone calls. All communication will be done through email. I'm so glad DH is starting to realize that BM thinks that he has to be at her beck and call. The Skids are 15 and 20...well old enough to ask for him for their own rides and inform him of their functions and activities. Money issues can be dealt with through email for documentation reasons.
These are the days of our lives......
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Comments
Look how much time of your
Look how much time of your lives that took that you'll never get back. All he had to say was "yes," then you both could have moved on with the rest of the days of your lives. Sometimes it's prudent to pick your battles. You gave him your opinion. Let him deal with it.
I don't consider it a waste
I don't consider it a waste of time when DH is putting distance between him and the Ex. It's a fine line with BM because she has no issues with using the skids to get to DH. I just happened to use myself as the go between so BM couldn't say that DH was ignoring SD20 even though she shouldn't have been brought into it in the first place.
LOL. BM was being completely
LOL.
BM was being completely manipulative and awful and got called on it. Good.
I have a similar BM who is always asking for more on behalf of "the kids" -- who are 20, 18, and 16. My DH responds the same...they can ask me directly.
When the skids were 19 & 16,
When the skids were 19 & 16, DH told them to come to him directly for any extras. He told them that if BM was calling him asking on their behalf, they wouldn't get it. BM was livid but we just ignored her. DH never answered her calls and never had to call her back because her messages were never emergencies. Usually they were her telling him what a bad parent and ass he was.
Now both skids usually call me when there's a problem or they need something. I'm the one who gets stuff done.
Why did he not just answer,
Why did he not just answer, "Okay," to SD 20 when she texted him that BM was trying to reach him? He could have let his daughter know that he received her (SD's) text, it still did not obligate him to respond to BM.
That whole exchange was uncalled for.
Perhaps. DH didn't want to
Perhaps. DH didn't want to actually say to SD that he was ignoring her mother. The point was to let SD20 know that she shouldn't be involved in any byplay and if the issue was so very important that BM could sent the message and it would get sent on.
That was the intent.
Your DH should have just told
Your DH should have just told SD that it did not involve her and had it been an emergency, he would have responded to BM appropriately.
BM was right about the game playing.
I know that's the best course
I know that's the best course of action Sally....but it's so very hard. When DH and I first started our relationship we made the agreement that we would be a "united front"..dealing with each other's kids together.
It's hard to know what's for the best. Our families didn't blend for a lot of reasons..PAS on the part of both our Ex's played a huge part. Neither of us are close to the other's kids for that reason.
It's my nature to be fully involved..disengaging doesn't come easy when DH doesn't think that way. And he would be devastated if he knew what that meant.
BM can't get over the fact that I know everything and we share all aspects of our lives. DH gets me to read communications between the two and asks my opinion because she doesn't stick to just money and relevant issues...she always has to stick in the "poor me".
THIS. We have a BM who
THIS.
We have a BM who regularly poor mouths it, even though she's totally fine. It's highly-manipulative, and we both see it.
DH has learned to say the following on auto-repeat:
"TwoOfUs handles bills and budget. I will talk to her and get back to you once I've looked at our family's monthly budget..."
"The kids are old enough to ask me directly when they need something from me..."
"TwoOfUs and I do a lot of extras for the kids and can't take this on right now..."
"We will not ever add to CS to pay for an activity. Anything we choose to contribute, we will pay directly..."
And repeat...
I agree, in the future say
I agree, in the future say it's SM. I think this one instance could be argued to not be an issue by a good lawyer. The SD was interacting for BM & SM told SD they switched phones. BM knew, without SM saying anything because of SD. Everyone knew, in this instance. Don't get caught where someone doesn't know!
A new agreement is in the
A new agreement is in the works. First go at it is Friday. One of the stipulations DH is making that any and all communications are through his email..not text or phone. And that they will be of relevant issues to the kids..NOT BM's feelings.
And I agree..it is a very vague agreement with regards to CS...but the debt load DH took..plus no alimony or equalization payment (which was significant) from BM allowed it through the courts. And the agreement actually says "help as financially able".
But the issue this time wasn't the agreement...it was the validity of the text asking if she was still going to receive her money...and then involving SD20 when she didn't get an answer fast enough. I'm talking first text at noon...and SD texting at 5 because DH didn't answer BM.
I did NOT attempt to
I did NOT attempt to masquerade as Dad at all. I told SD20 that it was me texting and BM knew I had Dh's phone.
And why wouldn't email be acceptable? It's his email..password protected.
Perhaps. And that's fine.
Perhaps. And that's fine. If the court sees it as me communicating with the ex and court orders verbal only....then all conversations have to be set up by appointment and will have to be taped for documentation. Or perhaps communications will have to go through a third party...that would be even better! Either way it's win win. She can't just randomly text or call whenever she feels like it for stupid reasons.
The whole point was that BM communicates for non-relevant reasons. And then involves the kid when there is absolutely no need.
And then you involved
And then you involved yourself and there was no need for that, either.
that due to the high level of
that due to the high level of family debt he took from the divorce he not have a formal CS payment but will pay for gymnastics and help when he can. Out side of that agreement he has verbally agreed since June of 2015 to pay BM $200 per month in addition to the $770 a month from the "family debt" (not paid until Oct 2018), which means he pays $970.00 per month.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HUH. that is crazy. I am surprised this was allowed also.
It was.
It was.
Downsouth adult kids having
Downsouth adult kids having child support orders is more common then many of us think.
We are in Canada. And there
We are in Canada. And there is issues with CS for SD20. Age of majority here is 19, unless you continue on to post secondary, then CS continues. SD20 did one semester of University, flunked two courses and went back for the second semester..and dropped out. Tuition was paid half and half by DH and BM.
She drops out...works full time in a grocery store from February 2015 to now, all the while still living home with BM. SD is planning on returning to post-secondary in September...BM wants support again for SD20 because she is still living home and returning back to school after more than a year in the work force.
Not sure how that's going to play out.
A heads up. In my case CS was
A heads up.
In my case CS was reinstated for my oldest when he went to post secondary 3 years after graduating HS.
He never moved out of my house and so he wasn't considered emancipated.
ExH was supposed to pay 1/2 of his tuition but didn't at the time. He is now paying me back.
I didn't ask for CS to be reinstated, his lawyer told him he had to pay it.
Interesting. We will see how
Interesting. We will see how it goes!
We are a team....and try to
We are a team....and try to support one another as much as possible. I didn't over step..he asked and I stepped up.
If that's having his balls in my purse...then that's ok..I like having them.
It's all related. The
It's all related. The alimony, debt, and equalization payment. I read the agreement last night.
I didn't over step..he asked
I didn't over step..he asked and I stepped up.
He asked you what should he say to SD20, that's it. HE should have been the one to text her, not you, with some lame explanation that you switched phones for the evening.
All this did was amp up BM.
Yes, her text about the money was unnecessary but so was the exchange that followed.
Echo, perhaps when DH has
Echo, perhaps when DH has troubles at work, OP can go speak supportively with his boss for him ?
OP, I read your post and thought that you taking over the situation was more "sh*tstirring" than supportive. For everyone's sake, it's good that DH is going to Family Services to get child support & other issues ironed out. Especially since you and yours are joining his life, it's important to clarify everything. There are communication programs which may be of benefit.
Regarding balls in purses? I would not brag about emasculating your "man." Emotionally neutering your guy while he is trying to find his backbone seems self-defeating.
WOW, for your husband's sake
WOW, for your husband's sake I hope BM has a shitty lawyer.
You are making your husband look/sound like a weak little wimp. Surely the man is capable is texting or speaking to BM without a middle man . How hard is it to type or say the word no????
We have all heard of helicopter parents. I guest helicopter wives exist as well.
If I may suggest "STOP
If I may suggest "STOP responding to any text messages"
It is childish and so 'high school' plus there is no way of knowing who the author of the text really is. Just because a text comes in from phone number 123, 456, 7988 does not mean the owner is the person who sent it.
jmo
Perhaps I did overstep in
Perhaps I did overstep in that I did the texting..and I agree to this because as stated...it will not look good in court.
The point that we were trying to make was:
1. Initially....Not answering stupid texts from BM
2. SD20 knew I was the one texting from DH's phone...so therefore so did BM. It was not a secret and at no point did I pretend to be DH.
3. That SD20 could get hold of her father if need be as she has MY cell number...he just wasn't available at that moment to BM
4. BM should not involve SD20
5. DH didn't feel comfortable in telling SD20 that he was ignoring a text from her mother, hence why I was doing the texting and creating the scenario that he wasn't available to BM. (And perhaps in the not telling SD20 straight up is where DH needs to man up?)
I don't claim to be perfect and I know that I make lots of mistakes in the magical place of SMhood. Perhaps we handled that situation totally wrong.
My feelings obviously played a part in how I helped my DH. I think that the involvement of SD20 kind of rubbed me the wrong way because it's what my Ex would do to my kids when I refused to listen to his abuse. I wanted to give SD20 the knowledge, without coming right out and saying that DH was ignoring BM and hurting SD, that she could get her father if she needed..that BM could get a message to DH if it truly was important...and that BM should not be using SD20 to get to DH.
That is where I was coming from.
If you were trying to establish boundaries with an Ex by not responding to texts and this situation developed..how would you have handled it?
I would have said no from the
I would have said no from the start and then ignored any other messages. People who know me know that my no is a no and not a "if you keep asking I will say yes".
So you can talk until you're blue in the face or type until your fingers fall off. But the answer would still be NO.
SD is 20, no reason that DH
SD is 20, no reason that DH could not tell her the truth, that he got BM's text and didn't feel it warranted a response. Also, he should tell his daughter to not text him on BM's behalf, that he doesn't want her in the middle of it.
Ignoring BM is not hurting SD, they are not one and the same.
He could have answered BM's text with a one word response, so that she knew he saw it. Then ignored any follow up texts.
He could also tell BM herself, to not put SD in the middle of it.
"You might think BM's text
"You might think BM's text about the money was stupid but IMO a court will see that as reasonable. School shopping and wanting to make sure the money is available is reasonable."
but but but - asking for money to which one is not entitled is not reasonable. BM was asking for money she wasn't entitled to, so no, not reasonable to make the request, let alone keep demanding it via text.
I don't find BM's original
I don't find BM's original text all that out of line. Thursday the 1st is routine 'pay BM' day. However Friday the 2nd are hearings, potential modification changes et.
If I were about to take the SD15 on an out of town shopping spree, I'd double check to be certain 1st September was coming and amount as has been also.
A simple 'yeah' would have made for a drama free day.
As an aside, if SM is acting on behalf of Dad and/or pretending to be Dad through the communication methods, I'd request verbal. I don't give a rat's behind how much of a 'team' SM and Dad consider themselves. I don't give a rat's behind if Dad asked SM to and/or SM had Dad's permission. BM didn't have a kid with SM. The CS/debt/CO isn't between BM and SM.
That probably would have been
That probably would have been better...but hindsight is 20/20. Lesson learned I guess.
Maybe a little River. And
Maybe a little River. And the issue isn't that she wants him..it's that she thinks he has to answer her every single time she texts..even when it's about how she she feels like she has most of the child rearing burdens.
And normally he does handle his own..just this time I was involved.
The BM will always send bait
The BM will always send bait messages until your DH finally tells her straight up "Don't contact me unless you need to bring the kid to the emergency room or you need me to pick them up." I won't say anything about responding back to BM, because I do it for DH plenty. I use his email for bills and so if she emails him I see it pop up on my desktop and read it. If it's important I'll text him letting him know it's there and we'll talk about it when he gets off work. But here's how it goes for BM communication:
BM sends communication -> DH reads it and asks the following questions: Is it an Emergency? (nope), Is it a question? (Sometimes), Is it a question he's already answered or given her the means to find the answer? (probably) = Ignore the Whore or reference her back to previous email. Sometimes I think DH challenges himself to use as few words a possible. Not everything requires a response.
Makes me want to vomit that
Makes me want to vomit that an adult has to pay child support for another adult (sd20)
That has NOT been in school
That has NOT been in school but working full time and NO savings while living at home with BM.
And I think the kicker to that one is that I have a DD the exact same age. She also works full time...lives on her own...and pays everything for herself.