I know what you're talking about. My BF was similar, but I don't think as extreme, and it was mostly because of guilt. He would do the same with the bed time thing. It isn't as common to see men talk about their marriage with a woman on here but from what I've seen it seems harder to have them change or understand your point of view. 

An honest conversation needs to happen with her about your needs. Be vulnerable with your feelings here because this is how she will isten. I would come up with specific examples of what you need, rather than being general in needing more "balance." Say you need the sleeping issue resolved, you need a once a week/twice a week date night, you need to be able to parent equitably with her since you are embracing her children 100% and she needs to back you up, etc. 

It took some work with my BF about the sleeping thing. The first thing is to make sure there is a very consistent schedule. Since your skids are close in age they can just have all the rules applied to both of them. 7:30 is time to get ready for bed; bath, teeth brushing, and read two books. 8:00 is lights out. Some nice preperations can be made to make them as comfy as possible. Provide them a night light and some music. After a minute of hugs and kisses good night, you and mom needs to walk right out and ignore the protests 100%. Once it's time to walk out is when you put on the music. 

I'm wondering if mom lays with them until they fall asleep? If so, this is what's confusing them when they wake up at night and realize they're alone. I really hate how some parents do that because it tricks them. If they go to sleep alone, they aren't surprised when they wake up alone and they soothe themselves. If they do go to sleep alone and still wake up screaming and crying, then they need to be ignored. They've learned how to get mom's attention and she reinforces it. Look up some credible articles and show them to your wife about how to mitigate this sleep disruption. Good luck!!

Totally get where you are coming from. I initially got with my boyfriend two years ago thinking I could 200% handle everything that came with it, knowing what I signed up for. He has a daughter who is 10. I thought I would be just as loved treated just as good and given just as much attention or close to. He always told me he knew how to balance everything and I didn't have to worry. That was a lie. He is terrible at balancing things. It's always about him and his daughter, always. My opinions and advice are not taken seriously majority of the time. She cries she gets her way everytime. He still puts her to bed every night and if he says no she has a tantrum to which he most of the time gives in. I've tried talking to him about it but he usually takes offense and says not to tell him anything about his daughter. Yet he expects me to cook for them and clean up after them and take care of her. I treat her as my own so I don't understand why I wouldn't be able to talk to him about ways I think would help our family dynamic as a whole. I kind of gave up. Sometimes I'll try to talk as sensitive and as nice as possible but it doesn't work most of the time so I'm kind of in a place of I'll just do my own thing. I'm also pregnant so I'm focusing on me and my child from now on. Id say try your best to talk to her about it and be as sensitive as you can about their situation but really focus on you and what makes you happy.

If I had two small children, even in an intact marriage, a shit load of my time would have to be spent on them.  They're small and needy at that age.  Suggest carving out some "couple" time without those needy little buggers.  Like a joint bath after they go to bed.  Or getting up a bit early for a "breakfast for two".  

She's also probably super exhausted from taking care of them and what little energy she has left....maybe zero left over energy for anything else including hobbies, friends, husbands.....

Where's the kids father in all this? Doesn't he ever take them?

I'm really worried about you and your DW having no values in common.  You've got really different beliefs and upbrings.  Be careful because true love doesn't conquer all.  Eventually, you are going to have to become real friends for a lasting relationship and you need to start working on this now.

Couple of things:

1. When you have toddlers, your life is very kid-centric. It just is. They are demanding little creatures.
2. 2 yrs old is too old for a bottle. She needs to let SD2 self sooth and fall back asleep. She really needs to read on sleep training.
3. If she is so close to her family, why aren't they babysitting? You guys should be having date nights at least bi-weekly. (Obviously not right now due to the pandemic, but before this started and after- it NEEDS to happen)
4. Where is the father in all of this?? Why isn't he taking the kids every other weekend at a minimum?
5. Have you offered to babysit while she does something for herself? Class at the gym, book club, bunco night? She may not feel like she has the right or ability to do something she enjoys.

My advice: take charge of your own birth control or you will have a never-ending cycle of toddlers taking up your wife's time and energy. Is she already pregnant?