my hubby and I had this same conversation a couple of nights ago... he thinks that since we had our son (now 7 months old) that I don't treat the SKids the same. Well it's true on a few fronts...first, I don't have time to dote on SKids when I have a 7 mo old to attend to. I do tend to get more annoyed when SKids are there because they are slobs which equates to more work for me.... before baby I really didn't get ruffled about it but now my time is precious and I will not be the maid. Second, when I first met hubby SKids were 8 and 9.. (they are now 11 and 12)and I just don't enjoy that particular "age".. it's not that I don't like the kids, I just don't like how they act (that middle school age... UGH) My hubby told me once that he really doesn't care for the "baby years" that when they cry and such it bothers him, so I told him that me sitting on the couch and chatting with SKids for any length of time would be like him sitting on the couch and listening to the baby scream for an hour (he's lucky because we have a wonderful baby who really does not cry much at all) but I promise if he did? my hubby would make himself scarce!

I'm sure you have not disengaged from SKids just for something to do... it sounds like their behavior or some other factor has caused you to do so... it seem like everybody wants to blame the step mom for everything... like Dad nor SKids can do no wrong!

I feel the exact same way!! My DH recently told me he was worried about my relationship with SS because we don't interact very much. I am like you, I choose not to play, or ask any questions because the response I usually get is worse than just ignoring him. There is such attitude in his response to me. We are going on vacation and I just know that SS will require all the attention or he will mope. He will have to sit next to him at every restaurant and every ride at the amusement park. It really bothers me but then I am old enough to disengage in order to save my sanity!

I dont know if it will ever change but at least I know I am not the only one in this boat!

its totally natural to feel that way! i too cought myself disengaging a little when i had my son and i still feel guilty that i am doing it now 4 years later. you cant help it! there is a huge difference in having a new child who loves you unconditionally - more specfically a child that appreciates the love and does not have the attached drama that comes with a stepchild (meaning BM!) it will get back to normal on some level but personally i dont think you will ever love another child as much as you love your own flesh and blood child. But to get to where you were you HAVE to work at it. you are able to recognize it.. so try to find time to set aside for the skids. maybe get them to interact with the baby and help you there. you actually have a closer bond with them now even though it doesnt feel that way because even though you are not biologically related to them yourself you gave them a sibling who is!

I don't think it ever gets "back to normal" after a disengagement... it just goes to a new state of normal. I used to have a great relationship with my SS. For many reasons, I disengaged with SS. It took a while before I was able to let go of the guilt I felt for "abandoning" the relationship with SS. But I HAD to disengage for my own sanity and to save my marriage. After a year or so, SS is trying really hard to repair the relationship with DH, and to a lesser degree with me. SS knows he has a lot of work to do to repair the trust that I lost in him. So now I am re-engaged, but it's not the same as it was before. I don't think it ever will be.

Try not to beat yourself up with the guilt. It takes time to heal these wounds. Just leave an opening in your heart for your skids who may just come around some day.

I read a couple of books "step mother hood" and "love him love his kids" and the result has been a miracle for me and my fiancé! It has made sense of behaviors and comments skids make towards me. It basically explains how to handle these situations by simply not letting them affect you. Just let it roll off your shoulders.
One very important point both books made was that you and you dh are first, top priorty, no one else comes first, and that his kids are just that kids. They barely can wipe rheir a$$ they dont know what they are saying or what they mean. If they are saying it to be mean if you just ignore it it will stop. Don't reward the behavior by showing emotions.
You married him, not his kids.
It's a good read! I would recommend it.

This disengaging thing is very interesting, and obviously very common. I would love to get a psychologist opinion on it. The very same thing happened to me. I tried hard with SS. I made myself pick him up from school, go to his events, chit chat,learn his TV shows and his books etc. I chose 90% of his Christmas gifts because I actually wanted to. Every little conflict was always BFs fault, not the SSs, and I know that, BUT one day on a non-kid weekend, BF decided he was going to ask BM if she could drop SS off so BF and SS could play golf. I had things I wanted to do with BF and it was my weekend (I live for these weekends). Long story short, he not only spent 5 hours playing golf with the kid while I did OUR chores alone, he proceeded to invite SS back to the house for dinner, thinking we would have a happy threesome meal. I did not join them for the meal. I took a long walk alone and have not had much of anything to do with SS since. I always have some reason I am not around. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me feels that effort and compromise need to come from both sides, and if BF cannot consider me, I cannot consider him (or his favorite thing, SS). I don't know if it is better or worse to disengage. I think worse since I do more alone now, dread weekends SS is with us with a passion, and feel lonely much of the time. Ultimately, I don't really know what happened that caused me to disengage. I suspect there is so much resentment percolating beneath the surface of our lives in these blended families, finally something snaps and emotionally, we are outta there.

Just leave an opening in your heart for your skids who may just come around some day.

Nicely said Justanother. I too have disengaged and I also was close to SD at one time. I'll remember your advice.

Wow! I didn't know there was a term for what I've been feeling. When dh and I were dating, ss was 5. We did things together and I loved that kid! I also had no kids of my own. Eventually dh and I married and had a baby right away. I liked the idea of our little family. SS only came eow but he still had his own room, I spent a lot of time with him, went to his school events. When he was having trouble at school, I (not dh) talked to his teacher about it. I would make him read for us and read to him on weekends we had him as the teacher suggested. I made sure his fav snacks or meals were at home when he came over. Then BS was born and SS was jealous. He hated coming and had terrible tantrums. I thought he was crazy. It was hard on me. Plus during this time I was starting to really get the whole bm drama. Then we moved. (not because of ss or bm!) SS stopped coming. At 1st we both tried to get him to come. Visits became infrequent and rarer. Dh stopped trying. I researched legal rights and kept trying to figure out ways to enforce visitation. Then it hit me. If dh isn't putting in this effort to se his own flesh and blood, why should I? I guess that's when I disengaged? I stopped doing anything. I enjoyed it too! I like our family (minus SS).... Is that horrible or what! Fast forward a few years. SS is now almost 13. DH was taken to court for more cs and ended up getting enforced visitation. I acknowledge ss, cook him dinner but rarely talk to him. I realize I just don't care. If he accomplishes something I congratulate him, but I feel nothing. We are cordial with each other & only interact when it is necessary. Sure sometimes we share a laugh but nothing like it used to be. I understand Forever2's comments. Maybe built up resentment, but I so dread his weekend visits. I try to make myself scarce. I let it be dh's weekend with ss and 2 of our kiddos. I'm lucky because we now have a baby too so I preoccupy myself with her. And since baby is young it has also become my excuse to not get involved more. Idk if it's wrong but it makes life for me a little easier. Didn't know others felt the same way.