I want to hear from all of the experienced steps in here
...those of you who have beaten the odds and have come out of this with strong, solid, successful marriages.
How do you do it? If possible give exact coping techniques. I feel like I'm starting to alienate my husband because of my hatred for BM.
I have been been with my husband for 2 1/2 years. We are still very much in love, actually we are still hovering on the edges of the newly wed stage. But things are changing. As we expected, reality is shining through the hazy fog of new love...and it should. The comfort stage is upon us and on one hand I welcome it. On the other hand, I don't want us to get TOO comfortable and fuck this up.
I bit my tongue a lot in the beginning. Now, there isn't much that I hold back. I don't think that has to be a bad thing but I fear that my delivery is all wrong. Biting my tongue didn't make the bad things (bm and skids) go away, it just created huge resentments that are now spilling out in huge floods every single time I open my mouth on the subject. So now I find myself blowing up over relatively little things without hesitation in front of DH whereas I used to use my friends and STalk as a sounding board first.
This past weekend was a skid weekend. Those are always unpleasant for me but they are even worse when they are accompanied by bm's correspondences "about the kids". I lost it this weekend. BM sent DH another email begging for money. The first in this latest round of emails happened right before school started 2 weeks ago. It was fairly benign passive aggressive stuff about how expensive kids are and how she had to put all of their expenses on credit. We laughed at that because she gets a lot of money from dh. It's really not his problem that she mismanaged it, spent it on her own bills, and had nothing left for back to school needs.
Then came the second begging email. Then the third. This last one was the worst. True to form, she started attacking his character, playing on his guilt about not being as involved in his kids lives as he used to be (as in there every single day when they were still married), playing on his sympathies for his children saying how much they had to sacrifice/suffer because they don't have the same standard of living as their peers (bm's fault for moving to the side of town where all the wealthy people live).
I just couldn't take it. I completely lost it this time. I started calling her a begging whore and I really didn't even care if his son was within earshot (he wasn't). Child support is supposed to be used for the children's needs. She coasts along on this money that DH pays taxes on and treats it like it is just part of her income and uses it to sustain a life she can't afford in a neighborhood that just makes the kids FEEL poor when she starts looking around at what her neighbors have. She has stated on many occasions that she is using child support to pay her mortgage and therefore he's still on the hook for any extras the kids need (not true, not in the CO of course).
I'm used to this but I still can't let it go. It is maddening especially when it puts DH into a funk and makes him wonder out loud to me if he really is doing enough for his kids. My response was YOU ARE DOING MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR THEM. YOU ARE DOING WAY TOO MUCH AS IT IS. NOT. A. SINGLE. DIME. MORE. EVER. (all caps because, yes, I yelled all of this).
All of our fights are about bm and then they devolve into fights about skids. I am not kind but neither is he. We have nailed down what is at the core for both of us. Distrust. I don't trust him to stay strong and not give in and throw money at her to shut her up and he doesn't trust me to not hold it against his kids and make being a dad difficult for him.
I really want to make it to that magical five year mark where the statistics are increasingly in our favor as a married couple in a step situation. I know I'm not the first to have this problem. I know I'm sabotaging my chances at making this work by not being able to let BM antics slide off of me. I know everyone's personal experiences are different but any words of wisdom will help me right now. It was a rough weekend.
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Yes. She is one of those
Yes. She is one of those women who always thought her job was optional, that it's the man's job to support the family. She has made great strides in correcting that attitude, not good enough according to my worldview, but for people like her it's a start. She still thinks it's his job to provide a home for them and that's what his child support it's used for. I have no idea how this woman manages to live. DH took care of everything for her in the past...even after he left. He was terrified she would sink and drag the kids down with her.
"those of you who have beaten
"those of you who have beaten the odds and have come out of this with strong, solid, successful marriages."
Is it summer time or am I hearing crickets?
Haha No one told me that was
Haha No one told me that was an option!
Lmao.
Lmao.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this.
When BM pulls some bs and it
When BM pulls some bs and it makes me mad, but it's a situation DH really can't do anything about, I have to sit there and remind myself, this particular moment isn't his fault, be supportive, don't be mad at him. It's become a kind of mantra I repeat to myself. Usually it works. My DH has also made huge strides in standing up to her nonsense over the last couple years, and without that, I'd likely have lost my mind or just bailed by now.
Thank you. I need a mantra
Thank you. I need a mantra like that. I need to realize that the CURRENT bm behavior isn't his fault and forgive that his past behavior led up to all of this. He is doing pretty good considering.
We moved away from bm and
We moved away from bm and skids. }:)
Oh I wish.....
Oh I wish.....
The weekly meeting during
The weekly meeting during calm times is brilliant. Thank you for this.
Yeah. We are bad at
Yeah. We are bad at fighting. We are all over the board and go on all kinds of tangents.
DH and I have been married 6
DH and I have been married 6 years, and I can't exactly say we've "made it". We are not "in love", but have a good life together, care about each other, and enjoy each other's company.
When we were still in the madly in love stage (prior to having our bios together), I was resentful about all the money that went out to BM for her to blow irresponsibly. What got me through it was trying to be rational about it. DH and I are careful with our money, and set money aside for "rainy days". If DH decided to give more money to BM or SD and it didn't affect me, then I learned to just let go. If it would affect our budget, then I would reason with DH. I would say to him to give as much as is comfortable, but warned him against being guilted into giving. More often than not (if not every time) he was reasonable. If I ever freaked out on him and really let loose, then DH would react in the exact opposite way that I would hope for.
I can say that now that SD23 is finally finished with college, the money issues have gone away. It was toughest while she was in college (most expensive time) but the most drama was when she was in high school.
If you don't mind me asking,
If you don't mind me asking, since it seems your marriage isn't as great as you'd like it to be, how much of that is from residual step problems and how much of it is due to other factors? If you could go back and redo one thing (assuming there is one big glaring thing), what would it be?
Been together 14 years,
Been together 14 years, married 5. I can fairly say that the first 7 years were the worst. Of those 7, the first 2 were pure hell. If the first 2 didn't break us up, nothing will. Same as you, DH pays a substantial amount of CS. BM would use it for everything but the Skids. School time rolled around and she would play the exact same roll. "You don't love your kids. You are a shitty father, they are YOUR responsibility! Your kids need shoes, clothes, school supplies, book bags, coats."
DH would buckle, each and every time. The fights were bad. LOUD, mean, hurtful words, tears, slamming, I'd walk out, sleep on the couch. I don't know how we got thru it.
Little by little, my words began to make sense. He began to see for himself that what he was doing was wrong. That he was already fulfilling his part of the responsibility and that by him paying for everything they needed on TOP OF THAT he was giving her the green light to spend his money on herself because at the end of the day, he'd always come through.
Now she rarely asks for anything. When she does, he says no. ALWAYS. That helped. It also helps that he finally has his priorities straight. Our marriage comes first.
We still have little disagreements here and there. He buys his daughter extravagant gifts that she doesn't deserve. However, he is already seeing that it's backfiring. He will buy her an outrageous gift and she won't even call him to say "Thank you." I don't even have to point it out. Communication is key, try and refrain from using really hurtful words when fighting. You can't take them back and believe me, sometimes they cut deep.
"He began to see for himself
"He began to see for himself that what he was doing was wrong.". such a wonderful thing when you finally see their lightbulb moments....
I'm not going to pretend I'm
I'm not going to pretend I'm a saint. I am very quick to point out his kids' lack of gratitude and even basic good manners. I'm going to try not to do this. It is glaringly obvious and it's too easy for him to direct his pain and anger at me when I show it to him. I'd much rather he come to me for sympathy when he figures it out for himself.
Mercury - And he will come to
Mercury - And he will come to you.
My DH told me this past Sunday, "She hasn't even called me to say thank you." He was talking about his SD14 who he bought a pair of Jordan's. The ones that came out this past Friday and that kids were making lines for days to buy a pair.
He sent them to her for her birthday. Not even a text or a call. It got me so mad that I sent her a message on Instagram, where she had posted the sneakers. I said "Did you call your DAD to say THANK YOU?"
Within 5 minutes his phone was ringing.
He knew it was me that prompted that phone call.
I hate that she treats him that way, but her mother hasn't taught her any manners. She learns more from me.
get the book "love and
get the book "love and respect". it's wonderful, even from a non-christian point of view.
also, one thing that helped me is acceptance. you gotta accept your dh for who he is. the good, the bad, and the ugly. those traits were there when you married him, they're just showing up more emphatically due to daily life taking over the honeymoon phase, and possibly bm ramping up her BS.
he's ALWAYS going to feel like he may need to do more for his kids. he will always feel guilty they split their time between houses. he will sometimes cave in and just pay for extra to shut her the hell up cuz he's worn out over years of hearing her mouth. but that's HIM. that's just the way he is.
any changes will have to come of his own realization and his own doing. bitching to him is not going to change who he is and how he chooses to deal with that part of his life. (i say that cuz i know full well i used that tactic for a looooong time w/o any results...)
nobody's perfect. i am not, dh is not, you are not, your dh is not. love is not just a noun, it's also a verb- an action. ya gotta love him, warts and all. those warts are just part of the total package. massive character flaws or deal-breaking moral line-crossing aside, you just need to come to a place of acceptance inside yourself.
haha maybe next time you start to feel your anger/resentment rising to the top, you could say to yourself "warts, baby. it's just the warts..."
<3 thank you so much. You
<3 thank you so much. You are very wise. I know myself well enough to know that I can't read that book but the premise is sound. I appreciate the underlying message. I know I'm not doing all I can to show respect for him as a human being. I think I'm good at respecting every other part of him except that one. (Warts. Just warts) Every time I criticize the way he handles things, I know good and well he takes it very personally as if I'm rejecting him in the process. Most of the time his fumblings have very minimal impact on me other than hurting my pride.
Thank you Echo. I have
Thank you Echo. I have always appreciated your input whether it was directed at me or just something I read while lurking (that's the way I take "breaks" from the internet, lol). I have seen bits and pieces of your story and I know you have been to hell and back and came out of it stronger than ever. Your words mean more to me than you know. Thank you.