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Am i right or Am i wrong

Mer's picture

Submitted by Mer on Wed, 05/16/2007 - 8:37am

My fiancee has been divorced almost 3 years yet the ex always finds way to still tell him what to do when she had her baby over a year and a half ago ( with another man ) she kept not picking up the girls on their designated times so my fiancee was driving them back home for her yesterday it was raining and she called her daughters cell phone to say that she was not going to get the girls because she did not want to take her 1/1/2 year old girl out in the rain she told her daughter tell your father to bring you home im not bringing the baby out in the rain Up jumped my fiancee yet again kissing her butt doing for her I told him you are not married that is not your child you have NO MORE obligations to her tell her that am I wrong ? In order for us to have a functionable relationship this has got to stop he needs to set his ex straight

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didddos's picture

Submitted by didddos on Wed, 05/16/2007 - 9:07am

She is controlling him.

This happened with us too. I would get SO angry, yet after a while, I was being controlled by BB's every whim too. This is how we *eventually* learned to deal with it. Using your scenario, my DH would tell BM that no, he would not drive them home. He would keep them overnight and bring them to school in the morning. If BM didn't like it, she could get in her car and come and get them.

Take control away from her. Your DH does not have to jump when she says jump. He's not a trained dog. He has his own life, priorities, schedule, etc. If he doesn't make a stand, it will probably get worse.

Good luck!

Mer's picture

Submitted by Mer on Wed, 05/16/2007 - 9:33am

Thanks for your answers, not only is she controlling him he is allowing it , and i will not allow that in our relationship , the reason for the divorce was he saw her true colors and she was controlling him always leaving the kids with him , when i told my finacee how i felt he said now if she was asking em to keep the kids longer and did not plan it or asking me to take them to their grandmothers it would be a differnt story but im sorry no matter what she has asked thus far if it has to do with their kids or not it seems he does im exausted its like talking to the wall i guess i have to decide what i am willing and not willing to take and this is something i am NOT willing to take

didddos's picture

Submitted by didddos on Wed, 05/16/2007 - 9:41am

He has the right to decide whether or not to allow BM to control him. You have the right to decide if you can live with him should he decide to allow it. I don't like ultimatums, but you may have to draw a line between what are willing to put up with and what you are not.

Ive BTDT. DH used to let BM walk all over him and then he would complain about it to me. I told him that it's not my problem. He can deal with the consequences of allowing it. It was his choice and I didn't want to hear it. I'd just walk away. It took awhile, but BM no longer has control over our lives (at least not much). It's definitely a sore spot with me though. I think it always will be.

Krissy's picture

Submitted by Krissy on Wed, 05/16/2007 - 2:44pm

I don't have a problem with the fact that BM wanted DH to take the girls home. When DD was a baby, I didn't like to take her out in the cold or the rain and altho it wouldn't be my ex's responsibility to help me out, I think it would just be a nice thing to do if he had the time. My feeling is that we all need a favor sometimes, so it will come back to you. HOWEVER, calling the girls was not asking a favor, it was TELLING them that she wasn't coming and therefore ordering him to take them home. That he upped and did what she told him to THROUGH his kids is what bothers me.

I have learned that picking your battles is a major part of these situations. Yes, it's frustrating when these men seem to bend over backwards for their exes, but sometimes it's not worth the fight. If he had canceled family plans with YOU, yes, I'd be mad. And I'd suggest to him that she call and speak directly to him the next time she has a favor. As much as I HATED BB, I encouraged DH and offered myself to do lots of things to help her out when she had her baby and she was a total ungrateful bitch about it, so, fuck her then. Made me feel good to be the bigger person, and she cut off her nose to spite her face. Fine with me!