I am four years into this mess. One would think I would wake up and "get it". It isn't going to get better! Ever. I keep thinking that she will be 18 in a little over a year. Only two more years of school, but who says it ends then? I do NOT think she is going to be a productive adult, and I do NOT think she is going to be able to hold a J-O-B! My husband surely isn't going to let her live on the streets. She doesn't think she has to listen to anyone now (and in reality, she DOESN'T!) so it will only get worse when she turns 18, 19, 20, 30... whatever! I can't do it. I can't keep thinking it will get better... it will get better... it will get better. I mean, this isn't beetle juice, just cause I keep saying it, doesn't mean it will happen, or appear!

I told my husband the other night I am thinking of taking my son and moving out. Not "leaving" him, but leaving the house, and stress, and drama. My son and I could come home when the oldest is NOT there. The youngest could come see me and I could do things with her. He doesn't know if he could live like that. He doesn't know that we could stay together if I moved out. FINE! I SOO get that, but I don't know if "I" can live like "this". Why is ok for me to NOT be HAPPY? Why is that OK? I should just shut up and deal with it, but god forbid he not be happy with a huge aspect of his life!

I really am thinking of leaving. I have a place to stay. I could afford it easily, but he couldn't. He would have financial problems. That keeps me, along with my youngest step daughter. I love her like my own, and don't want to leave her. The sad thing is, my love for him is NOT keeping me. It is to the point where I have lost all respect for him. He doesn't seem to get that. If I stay, and things stay like they are RIGHT NOW, we will end up divorced. I am losing all feelings I have ever had for him. I don't want my son going through a divorce. If it is going to happen I want it to happen NOW. While he is YOUNG, so this is his life as he knows it and he doesn't have to feel like he is losing something. You can't lose it if you never remember having it.

I am also afraid to leave because if DH does want a "D" word, then I will have to give him our son, alone, for visits, and I don't trust that he won't leave him alone with older step daughter, as he thinks nothing of the "let me kill your baby" "joke".