How do I deal with this?
Any suggestions? When I met my husband, his soon to be ex was pregnant, and had left him and filed for divorce. I should have known to stay away. She was the town whore who he thought he could change, so he married her and supported her and her child, and as soon as she got pregnant with his child she left. They couldn't, of course, get the divorce until the baby was born. She cheated on him the whole time they were together, and was, well, just herself. We got married about 6 months after the divorce was final.
I had three children of my own when we married, and my husband has always been super to them. My two oldest sons haven't seen or heard from their 'father' in years, and eventually they started calling my husband Dad, he even wants to adopt them, but that's another LONG story. So anyway, as far as he lets me know, he feels nothing but love for 'my' children. We also have a son together, and he doesn't treat any of the kids any differently. He seems to love them all equally.
So why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't feel any love for his daughter? I cringe when it is time for her to come over, I don't want to include her in anything....I feel horrible but I absolutely don't want her here. I know my husband can feel that I don't like her, and I try so hard. I know part of it stems from the fact that we give her mother so much child support, and not a penny gets spent on her. She comes to us dirty and dressed in trash, and we end up spending MORE money on her when she is with us. I could go on and on, but I am sure if you are on here you have dealt with all of this. I look at her though, and I see her mother, and I HATE her mother. She uses her against my husband, and that is something I have never and would never do with my own children and their fathers. Kids are not a weapon. I know there are so many 'women' out there like her, but she is unbelievable at times! But how am I supposed to separate my feelings for the two of them?? My husband and I have been married a long time now, and my feelings only get worse. I actually feel miserable whenever she is around.
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hmmm..
Well I have the same problem, I have a soon-to-be SS8 and his mother and her husband smoke around him, and they always send him in inapropriate clothing (I.E. if its rainging outside and chilly he is wearning shorts and a "tank-top") We are always constantly buying him clothing for our place but that clothing ends up going back to BM house ALL the time because (He has "outgrown" all of his clothing) so somehow by some mirical he out grows his cloths about twice a month, she gets 210$ A WEEK in CS and FH dosnt even make the money he was making when the CS was done up.
My advice is "busy" yourself bring your child to his grandmothers house for the day, or take all the time in the world running errands, just busy yourself. Eventually things will get better. Maybe even a chat with BM about how she looks when she gets droped off with you??
Thanks
for the advice. As for talking with the BM, she won't even give me a second look if she sees me, so talking to her is almost impossible! It's not like I 'took' her husband and she has a reason to not like me, she just doesn't. But I do try and stay away when SD is here, but I can't do that forever, especially when it's overnights. I feel like a jerk, like in someway I am disrespecting my husband, but I just feel like I will never even be able to like this little girl. My family doesn't understand, because to them she is just a sweet little girl. But to me, she isn't. She is her mother's daughter, and I can't seem to get over that fact.
Yeah, that sucks.
I think people who haven't been stepmoms might not understand your feelings, but stepparenting is a definite "try walking a mile in my shoes" job.
"I know part of it stems from the fact that we give her mother so much child support, and not a penny gets spent on her. She comes to us dirty and dressed in trash, and we end up spending MORE money on her when she is with us."
I totally have sympathy for your feelings Meaniemom. But of course, you know that this kid is not at fault. In fact, from what you say above, this poor kid is suffering from the neglect of her mother.
This is easier said than done, but my suggestion is to try to start doing some behavior modification on yourself. In essence, train yourself to have a different thought process when you start going down the road where your stepdaughter bothers you because she reminds you of how awful the BM is. So, instead of thinking, "God, I can't believe how much money we spend on child support and this kid comes hear dressed in trash," start training yourself to say, "That poor kid, it must suck for her to have a mom who neglects her so much. She's lucky to be able to come here to a place where she's treated better."
It's not much, but it's all I've got. And I do think it will work, because you definitely sound like you want to change, because you're so appreciative of your husband and want to love his daughter the way he loves your sons. Plus, the more love you show her, the less BM will be able to use her as a weapon against you, especially as she gets older and starts to understand more of the dynamic.
Good luck. This is a tough thing. Hugs!!!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Why is thate??
Why does bm feel the need to be a jerk to us? My bf's ex has absolutely no reason not to like me and evey reason to love me! I have done nothing but help her out and take care of her kids.... yet you treat me like crap and talk sh**? I don't get that.... I hate to admit it.... but I don't care for my bf's two younger kids either.... makes me sick to watch him baby them to death....
You actually have two step-daughters...
I finally recognized that I had two step-daughters: one was sd the individual and the other was sd the symbol. Understanding the difference there and having two separate categories to put my feelings in helped.
I happen to like and love my sd, the person. What she represents (e.g. her mother, the fact that someone else had children with my OH, the money issues, the fact our family will never be totally safe from the disfunction, etc, etc) sucks and I hate what she represents - and for me, that's okay. It makes perfect sense why I hate it, this isn't ideal.
But I can keep those feelings seperate from how I treat or feel about sd, the person.
Not sure if that'll help you. But thought I'd put it on the table.
-L
ETA: As for why does BM feel the need to be a jerk to us - you have to get to a point where that doesn't even matter. You can't change what she thinks about you (especially if she's an irrational piece of work), you can change what she says, when the dumb-hoe calls (to annoy)...you can't control or change BM. Only thing you can control is how much you let it bother you or how you respond to it.
Indifference/ignorance is a beautiful thing.
I wish I could help you. I
I wish I could help you. I really do, but I need the same help. I can't stand my SD. And not solely because of UberSkank rubbing off on her, but because she has said, written and done horrible things to me. She won my dislike and complete distrust all on her own. I can't wait until the time I don't have to deal with visitation.
By the way, when I first met step-demon, she and DH used to be two peas in a pod. I used to refer to her as mini-me because she reminded me so much of DH. And she more closely resembles his side of the family as well.
Unfortunately, in the last two years her personality has completely changed. Some of it hormones, the rest was influence from UberSkank. Now she is exactly like UberSkank (hopefully not the skank part!). But she behaves like a spoiled, entitled, narcissistic victim. It's always someone else's fault and god forbid the "Entitlement Twins" ever take responsibility for their actions or decisions.
Step-demon spent the last two years systematically destroying her relationship with her father (this has been confirmed by step-demon's counselor during cross exam by the judge). This was encouraged by UberSkank who decided that he was wrong for having rules (you know, he's mean for making her go to school, encouraging her to do her best, get involved in activities, hang out with friends, do her chores, keep her room picked up and treat us with respect). UberSkank has step-demon convinced that since she's nearly 14 and practically an adult she is fully capable of making adult decisions. Oh and UberSkank doesn't have any rules in her house.
Strangely enough it's not me that transfers the dislike for the EXW onto the child. Right now DH is dealing with that problem. DH can't even look at his own child. He has told me that when he looks at step-demon, he sees UberSkank.
At this point in time, because of the horrible things step-demon has done to him, he doesn't really want to see her or spend time with her. He keeps telling me "What kind of small talk do you make with someone like her? Hey step-demon....destroy any good relationships lately?" He's completely at a loss, he can't look at her and he doesn't believe he'll be able to have any kind of discussion with her until he's able to confront her with her behavior.
Poor DH is heartbroken and is destroyed by the fact he feels this way about his own child. He's still very angry, hurt and disappointed she would do something so horrible to her own father.
So what do you do when both of you don't like the kid?
“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine