What kind of relationships can you have with Stepchildren?
I want to start this forum with the hope of gaining more insight into the methods you have used in developing and maintaining a relationship with stepchildren. I have confronted a few problems with my BF's SS relationship. I think my role is too much of a friend type role--more like the kind I have w/my nephews and nieces. But for my family it works great. I am very open, we joke around, have inside jokes, etc. However, SS told his mom that I helped him with posting some inappropriate pictures on his website...which included him so- called smoking and using profanity...all which were lies...she she made it her duty to confront me, not BF, about monitoring him better SS when he is at our home
This was more difficult than it may appear...I do not like her so I have always avoided her...no confrontations or negative experiences but no overtly friendly ones either. I just don't want to have a relationship w/her right now b/c of her nature and what she does to my BF. Well I few weeks ago she decided to call me and inform me that SS told her how I helped him with all these "bad" and "inappropriate" things on his website.
My dilemma is I don't know what he really told her or if she made up all the lies! I caught her in a few lies while she was on the phone but still...I can't help but wonder what really made her call me... I keep thinking that SS did tell her that it was all me so he could get off the hook with her.
I confronted SS and he apologized for the "weird" call from his mom. He said he was so sorry she had to call. He kind of went around the issue a lot and was indirect as to why she truly felt like calling me about this! I told SS how lies could cause a lot of problems for people. I also said that luckily I am a not confrontational/argumentative type person b/c things could have been really ugly on the phone w/his mom (and even between SS and BF).
So who is lying...? Both of them probably.
My new set of rules for my relationship with/SS: a guarded relationship. I am more careful w/what I say and how close I get to him...I just don't know what he tells his mom anymore. I know she talks badly about his dad to him (he tells us) so I can imagine what could be said about me...At times we are really close and have great fun together but this whole thing with her calling me got me thinking.
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Maya
I think it is hard to determine the type of relationship that we will have with the SKs and I also think that we have to be mindful not to be “rigid” in making those determinations so that just like any relationship, our relationships with our SKs can grow/bend/change over time…the same is true with biokids…I think that a lot of kids go through the “liar” phase and you just have to give it to him straight… “Lying is not acceptable in this house!” and then give the reprecautions for it and FOLLOW THROUGH when the rule is broken and let it be that…but don’t get too leery of him b/c he may have lied on you/about you to his mom…kids are the masters of games…put up a guard now to protect yourself and your household and then slowly start giving him enough rope to hang himself with again and if he does it again, pull back and tell him why you are doing so…it is an opportunity for a “life lesson” that when people lie, they cannot be trusted and is something good for him to learn….then start the process again…a little more rope over time until he has that “light bulb” moment…if I want to have the great relationship that I have with Maya then I have to be honest with her and about her…
Make a GREAT Day!
well I think that answer if
well I think that answer if different for every situation. In ours I have a friendly and accepting relationship with my ss. I care for him and try to be a positive role model. I also have my own son, which is a very different relationship. I do the best I can and try not to worry about all the other stuff in between. I am also a little guared with ss but its hard not to be when bio mom has made a unique situation more complicated. I do not take part in ANY discipline. My stepson has been taught by his father to treat me with the same dignity and respect that I give him. When he ir rude or mean to mean my husband steps in. I believe that you can a have good relationship with your stepkids if you try. I have however made it very clear that I am not his mother and will never be his mother. I think sometimes in stepfamily situations others expect you to become the replacment mom, which can be hard. Expecially when you can't treat them like your own when it comes to paretning style or discipline but then you are expected to have the same level of love and affection. Its a real balancing act!! I let my stepson know I am there for him when he needs me but I don't push myself on him. I do not talk with his mother anymore and neither does my husband. Becasue she has a difficult time being civil we have asked her to put comments, questions or concerns in writting. That has made a huge difference!! Sometimes the ex can cause so many problems that it is hard to not be a little resentful to the child. I know its horrible to say but true. For example she drug us to court last year and we spent 3000.00 on lawyers fees. My stepson wanted a game cube or something like that and my thoughts were hell no. We've already spent that much on top of child support and we are barly making it right now. I didn't say it but I felt it. Its not his fault but I did have those feelings. I'm not pround of them. So that is when we just cut her out. As long as he is with us everyother weekend and for the court ordered hoildays we have nothing to talk to her about, unless there is an emergency with my stepson. I don't know if this helped :0 I kind of just started thinking on paper
I think I take an alternate
I think I take an alternate view to some degree…I know that I am not their mother but when they are at our house, I am the woman of that house and all that that entails. I do reprimand the girls and give them instruction if/when they do something wrong b/c as the woman of my house I think it is my right and responsibility to set the standard for how I believe little women should behave and carry themselves. Maybe that is the difference in being a stepmom to a little girl vs. a little boy b/c his dad is there to teach him how little men should behave/act so a stepmom doesn’t necessarily need to do so…so you are right...it is situation based...
I do agree that the biomom makes it VERY HARD b/c of their actions and don’t feel too bad about your reaction to the game cube…it is the reality of the situation that his mother’s choices put you in and SHE has a responsibility to realize that every time she gets a wild hair up her butt and wants to go to court, the money spent on both sides is taking away from money that can be used to actually benefit SS!
Make a GREAT Day!
Relationship Damage Control
"I know that I am not their mother but when they are at our house, I am the woman of that house and all that that entails. I do reprimand the girls and give them instruction if/when they do something wrong b/c as the woman of my house I think it is my right and responsibility to set the standard for how I believe little women should behave and carry themselves." ---> Wow, I can relate because this is EXACTLY how I feel!!! The problem sometimes is though that dad does not follow thru. We are learning that we have some different views on what we expect SO we are trying to be a united front but it can be hard.
I also think some bio-parents have guilt about their divorces. I see that my husband gives in sometimes because he feels bad. I think he feels like he is torn between his kids and me at times. We've set rules and boundaries but when I am not around, his teenage daughters "work him" to get what they want and sometimes they fall outside of those rules/boundaries. Or, let me say, they are grey areas. They know when to ask dad for something - when I am not around because then they get their way. I feel like my husband has to be stronger about the rules. But, I think he is slanted because they are his girls (which he always reminds me) so he lets those rules bend.
We share 50/50 custody with his X. She has her own set of problems and quite honestly, she drives me crazy too. But, what I mostly struggle with is that his daughters many times basically wish I didn't exist, they hate that we have structure at our house (things are much more loose when they are with their mom) and I often feel like I have a thankless job. I am the one making sure the girls have what they need for school, make their events/commitments, yadayada. I feel like I have to mother their own mom.
I recently needed emergency surgery and it started coming home from a trip overseas with my hubby. We never even made it to our state until a few days after the surgery. The surgery had to happen from another state because it was the closest to the nearest airport.
I was in the hospital for a few days. It was horrible. I was scared and because my problems started on the airplane, well, it just made everything more traumatic. My stepdaughters barely acknowledged. I could hear their dad talking to them on the phone from the hospital room. He'd be like "Honey, I cannot deal with that right now - have your mom take you to the store. My wife almost died. We are in the hospital, etc etc" The girls just didn't get it. And, he told his X and you would think SHE would remove some of the burden so we could get thru things. But, she could care less.
Ya know - It broke my heart that the girls couldn't even make me a get well card. They were with their mom while it all went down. His X called about an hour after we got home which was a few days later AFTER I was released from the hospital (I couldn't travel home until a few days had passed). She had some stupid question and was pestering him about how he owes her some money (we are talking like $10 here). She never acknowledged anything or asked how I was. I guess it is foolish of me to think she has a heart. I do not want her friendship but I do want respect. How will my stepdaughters give that to me when their mom is such an idiot?
We teach these girls to be good people - not to be selfish. But, I feel like banging my head on the wall because I feel like everything is right down the tubes when they go to their moms.
All in all, I just want respect in my house. I try to have a good stepmom relationship but the kids are becoming so spoiled and manipulative that it sort of ruins it for me.
Sometimes I just want to kidnap my husband and run far far away. I count the days until they are back with their mom (when they stay with us). It's sad but true. I then feel like my marriage is normal again. I try to be a good person, understand, be good to the kids but inside I have a hard time coping with it....
Relationship damage control
Those ambiguous feelings are normal. I get that way too. How could one not bond and build a relationship with a child that you spend half your time with? How can you deny that and not extend your heart out to him/her? But then again, almost everything goes by thanklessly. Whoever said Step-parenting is a thankless job hit it head on. I also look forward to the days SS goes back especially when my BF gets him right after the Ex's weekend w/SS--this is when SS comes back w/such an attitude and fights w/BF. I feel like I am walking on eggshells sometimes around my home. I don't want to say too much of the stuff that bothers me but then again I can't hold it in. I feel bad when I get those feelings of wishing my BF didn't have all this "baggage". I wish he didn't have a psycho ex. I wish we could start our family fresh--first marriage, first born, etc.
The same with me, my SS has
The same with me, my SS has always from day one been taught to have respect in our home and toward me. He has always known that Dad and I are ONE and We make every decision together even if it is about him. Before you marry someone who has children you have to actively find out what your role in the home will be including the skids. You must know what you are getting yourself into first and know what your spouse expects of you. I discipline, hug, kiss, go to every game, drive him, stay home with him, and mostly love him as if he were my own.
We had problems with him in the first couple of years with the "fabricated stories" being told to both sides. We discovered that he was trying not to hurt Moms feelings and trying not to hurt our feelings so he would make things up to make it look like he did not have a good time. He mostly would do this at our house, it was always his Mom this and his Mom that. He wanted to spend more time with us but did not want to face her and pay the consequence of her being hurt. We finally decided that when he would say one thing at our house and another at her house we would ALL sit down with him and talk about it, because he then could not lie or fabricate anything because all parties were present. This has elimenated the problem completely, he has learned that he will have to face all of us and will not be able to lie. Maybe this is something that you can try...
I am pretty lucky
that even though my dh's ex is a controlling person & can drive me nuts they have raised my SS to be good respectful little boys. My role with them is kind of aunt like I always feel. ( sometimes my dh & I refer to me as the nanny in his ex's eyes. I am very respectful of her role of mom & mine as step mom. The boys call me by my name & the oldest will correct an adult that just assumes I am his mom & will tell them I am the step mom. They know that I have the same authority as dad at our house & they need to listen to me. Although I do wimp out & defer to their dad. ( that is my benefit ) My husband is often envious of the friendship I get to have with the boys. They will often confide things to me that they don't to him & ex. I think the greatest gift I have ever gotten was the other day 6 year old ss was doing homework at the diningroom table & I was near by. He looked up & told me that I was just about the best stepmom a guy could ask for. Talk about make my heart melt. I told him that was because he & his brother were such good boys that they make it easy to be a good step mom.
I know that I have it easier than most of the steps on this site because for as big of a pain that the ex is she is a very good & responsible mom and there in lies the difference. I think we just have to go with the flo & go with what feels right. Each child is different.
Melody
Great idea regarding sitting down with all parties involved. I know it will really deter BF's son from lying so much. What is sad is that when BF and Biomom have done this in the past SS gets so nervous around Biomom that he gets facial twitches. THis happened the day I confronted him about the phone call from Biomom. I was really calm but he seemed nervous.
Thanks again for the great suggestion!
Thanks Maya
My ss was nervous at first because I think it caught him off guard. But it really did help him realize that no matter what or no matter who you think will get hurt you have to be honest if you want there to be any action taken. It also helped the adults to NOT put him in a situation that he felt guilty about because each of us were there and would keep the level fair for him to say what he feels. Sometimes your first reaction is hurt and anger about a child having real feelings and maybe not wanting certain things, but they have to be able to express their true feelings or they will resort to lies.
I have learned so much through my ss and I am glad that we paid attention to it, he is better for it now...
Mel