No longer a parent of a single Daughter
I was raised around women\girls and learned alot of my manerisms from them on how to deal with Girls. Don'g get me wrong I have no bi-sexual tendancies and guys are great to hang around with play ball with, talk about Sports with, Technical issues with, although women do that well too. However my whole life has been centered around dealing with women, and then I get married for a second time and when I have a second child she is girl too. So I had resigned to the fact that the Lord himself groomed me to be around girls and women and to rear and raise them and show them how a man should treat them. Along comes a boy who for the past 11 years of his life has not grown up with me. Not only does he not have any real inteligence in accordance with a 12 year pre-teen boy, he has no mannors, he has no respect, and he constantly lies to not only his bilogical mother, but me too and thinks I am too dumb to see it. He wines, he has a short fuse, and I think he has some issues related to good hygene. I Try to bond with him, but he does not like any sports or says he does but does not want to watch them with me, or play any of them. He does not keep his attention on any one thing for more than 5 minutes. We do believe he has mental issues, since basically he was adducted from my wife's estranged husband oh so long ago and my wife was led to believe up until a few months ago we had no shot at ever getting him in our family. Well now he is here and I am at a loss as to how I am suppose to deal with him with little or no expirience with a boy like this. He is not old enough to speak straight with, at least not mentally wise, and he is too old to treat like a 5 year old, and I cannot find any common ground to break through. Both his mom and I find ourselves constantly yelling at him, and I have not idea how this is really affecting our 9 year old daughter whom we have both raised. Is there really a book to deal with this scenario, can anyone trully relate to what I am going through right now? Please reply
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I can't relate to this
I can't relate to this situation exactly, but in the past I dealt with a SS that had a developmental disability that kept him at about around age 9 or 10 emotionally even though he was a teenager. He didn't like the normal things boys his age enjoyed. When you spoke to him it was like having a conversation with someone considerably younger. I wasn't around for whatever stunted his emotional growth, but I spoke with several professionals on the matter since my husband was only making matters worse. He felt we should treat his teenager as if he were about 5 years old, and pretend it was normal. The therapist I spoke with said this is the wrong thing to do. When someone has experienced something that causes them to be emotionally stunted, when you can, you treat them with the same expectations you would anyone else that age. This forces them to try and reach to your expectations, which benefits them in the long run. Being in denial about the issues, or just allowing them to go on without correcting them, keeps them at that level. I'm not saying this will work for your situation, but that's what I was told. It sounds like your wife isn't in denial about her son's behavior, so hopefully this child can get the help he needs. If you are concerned there may have been some abuse when the child was kidnapped, maybe the two of you should consider getting him into therapy.
No longer a mother of
No longer a mother of one....
I first want to thank you chaiLatte for your post in this matter. masterwatcher12 is my husband and we are basically at our wits end. As you know my son was kidnapped from me 9 years ago by his aunt and father. I thought I had no ground to stand on and recently found out I had custody. I spent 9 years crying myself to sleep over this boy and worrying and wondering where he was and what he was doing. I knew he was growing up without me and I felt like there was nothing i could do about it. once he came home I was thrilled and I wanted to be the mother he never had, well the one he had when he was 2. Now I feel like I am raising someone Else's child. I do not feel the connection a mother feels for her child. This is putting a strain on my relationship with my husband and our 9 year old daughter as well. He lies so much that now he has his sister lying as well and she simply does not lie to us on a daily. No one took the time to teach him anything and he is so out of control with his horrible manners and bad attitude. I feel so sorry for my husband, I feel like I have just dropped this burden child in his lap and yet at the same time I feel like all of the weight is on me because he cannot bond with my son. What can I do to help them? What can I introduce them to that will make them notice one another and learn to love each other? I am at a total loss here.
I would highly suggest
I would highly suggest counseling/therapy to start, as well as possibly evaluation by a Doctor for physical issues. Depending on things that might have happened to him, he could be struggling physically, mentally, and emotionally. My BS has a very short attention span like that too, and he is ADHD. He also has some temper issues that are related to the ADHD. Throw into that the changes in your son's life, and his current age (get ready for the teen rollercoaster & hormones!) and that may be some of the problem. Does he like anything at all, such as books, anime, cartoons, comic books, anything? If so, I'd learn more about the things he likes, and try to at least pretend you are interested it them! Or see if there is something he's always wanted to do, like learn to draw, or karate, or ride horses...and take lessons together. Martial arts is an awesome way learn values, self-control, burn off energy, and release aggression.
WOW! yeah he does love to
WOW! yeah he does love to draw and he likes anime, but getting him on a horse or getting him to do anything physical would take an act of congress. I decided since he loves to draw (especially on things he shouldn't) I am going to paint his room in the colors of his choice with a special paint that will allow him to do his art on. He is an awesome little artist and I think he would love to show off his work. I have taken him to the Dr. and he will have a psyc eval done soon. I am so scared to find out what is really going on with him. What if it is something horrible?
My son is a budding artist
My son is a budding artist too, we buy him lots of books and art sets. I think painting his room like that is an awesome idea! And if you tell him how well he's doing drawing, but encourage him to learn as much as he can, he'll start gaining some confidence in himself & his abilities, which might help his behavior.
Anything that will capture his imagination and might get him moving. I really believe people (kids especially) do much better with some physical activity.
Show him some really cool martial arts movies, especially since anime has some martial arts in it, lol. Or take him to the rodeo
My BS has a heavy bag out in the garage, and when his temper & frustrations get the better of him, he's free to go out there and beat on it till he feels better. Much preferable to holes in the wall, or screaming!
Oh, and I forgot...find anime you can at least stand that you can watch/read with him. Take him to anime conventions, or book store events, things that you can all bond on, and he can see you really are interested in what he likes, and not in getting him to like things just because you do. They get really stubborn about that...
Masterwatcher you are very
Masterwatcher you are very fortunate to have a wife that sees that her child is important, and her relationship is important also. This must be difficult for all of you. Kalexander I have no idea how hard that must have been for you to go through, wanting your son and not being able to have him. The two of you are already on the right track, being able to be open and honest with one another, and realistic about the child. I know the situation seems difficult, but as far as progress, you are where a lot of us on this site would like to be in our relationships. A united front and good example will benefit the child, because he needs to be able to count on a strong, structured home life. Bonding with him isn't something you can't rush, so don't beat yourself up over that. In a way you are raising someone else's child. He was raised with someone else's values and influence. He has a personality you did not help shape. I hope you two find some good advice, as well as a place to vent here on the site.
ChaiLatte, Thank You so
ChaiLatte, Thank You so much!
Your vote of confidence does my heart good. I was not supposed to be on this site because I wanted to give my husband some space to vent on his own but it seems we are spending our 9th wedding anniversary together in all forms (I don't mind *wink*) I guess I will leave this site for him, although it may pose difficult as I think I need as much of this site as he does. I hope he does not mind my intrusion. I just want to be supportive. I can't begin to tell you the heart wrenching feeling i felt when my son was taken from me. If it were not for my husband I would have taken my own life, ironically I met him the night I decided to kill myself. When I got pregnant with our daughter I thought well maybe this is how it is supposed to be, maybe God wants me to only have just one child, well I guess I was wrong huh? Now I worry about our daughter, can she take on his traits knowing that I scream at her brother 9 times out of 10? If so, why would she? I'm so confused!
I think you all need
I think you all need counseling, separately first, then together. What a terrible experience, but do not feel there is no hope, I truly believe there is
Both of you can be here, there have been several couples over the years, you are both welcome . . . !
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)Thanks, But the reality to
Thanks,
But the reality to all this is trying to get this kid into counseling is becoming a chore in itself. Seems like your kid has to be homicital or suicidal to pull that off. We will get in eventually, in the mean time it is like dealing with a 6 year old with bad habits in a 12 year olds body. My family raised me to speak and act intelligently, I raised my daughter the same way. She may get bratty and whiney from time to time, but in general she is not your typical 9 year old. Don't know if that is good or bad, or even a base line comparison, but I find it increasingly harder to believe this kids was being raised with no morals, no respect, no good hygene, no intelligance beyond being a terrible liar, vindictive, and immature for even a 12 year old is rubbing both our nerves at this point. I am not use to my wife screaming at a kid at least once a day. It takes him 9 hours to get his home work done and even helping just fustrates him more becuase he does not understand. I am about to pour a lot of money into money I don't have, and I don't want to wind up resenting him on top of it, becuase I have to make my daughter go without now to get him right. I guess now I feel like I am being immature about it, but I really use another Father's perspective who is living through this or has lived through it. any takers?