I'm right there with you. My SD13 has been brainwashed by her BM to think she has a say in when she visits and for how long, even though the court order spells it all out. We've always tried to keep to the schedule but when BM dangles the carrot we get the preverbial call----"Dad, can I skip the next visit". Recently, while discussing the X-mas dates she lied to us about her "alternate plans" to avoid an argument; she made up an excuse that her father couldn't say no to, all the while she and her BM where making their own plans on the side. Her BM has taught her the fine art of manipulation. Next time she asks us to cut the visit short, I'd like to suggest we make them fewer and farther between while we're at it. It's hard to invite someone into your home whom obviously doesn't want to be there, other than to collect her x-mas present and be on her way. At this point I don't even want her around. It's hard not to take her rejection personally. So what do we do? Abandon them to curb our own rejection pain?

When I consider the situation from her perspective, I see her point. I get to be with her Dad full time, and she only gets him part time. ("How is that fair, who am I anyway") It must be hard to hang out with us, all lovey dovey and know you've got to leave a few days later. The heartache must be enormous. They must just want to avoid seeing us, by shutting us out. It must ease their heavy hearts. Also, I know it's hard on her to go back and forth with all the different rules and expectations. She's got so much going on as it is, hormones, boys, friends, grades. It's all very overwhelming. I guess it's her way of simplifying things.

I have felt the way you feel, "all or nothing". But in reality, for them, it's never "all", it will always be some form of compromise.

One thing that has always bothered me is the term "visitation". It makes me feel like I'm running a bed and breakfast for the little vacationer. She has no chores or responsibilities while she's with us. If we were to start, we fear she may never want to return. (I know I'm going to get a lot of negative feedback from that, bring it on) The term "visitation" has given her the impression that dad's time is optional. It puts the non-custodial parent at a disadvantage. We do what we can to make her time with us pleasant, but of course we NEVER spoil her

The truth is...you may like to think of your little tribe as a "family", but I'm sure they feel more like an outsider. They are indeed divorce casualties. And so when they ask to make a few schedule changes or even to dictate it, I vote for allowing it. Let them know they will be missed (even if they are not) and roll with it from visit to visit, encourage each visit as much as you can without groveling. They did not choose to be in this position, so show a little compassion, let him have his fun.

treat kiddo like you would treat bm in regards to scheduling : he can still schedule his own visits, but he has to give you advanced notice and you all have to agree on it; otherwise its a no go. he wants to be more grown up, treat him accordingly.

We have had SD13 in counseling for over a year. Be careful what you ask for because it has had the opposite effect for us. We had hoped her counselor would encourage her to stop canceling the visits and to help her to find ways to enjoy them. What ended up happening is her counselor recommended we cut summer down from her scheduled 5 weeks to 1 week because she has a "mood disorder" that was causing her all kinds of issues with visitation. We only see her 5 times a year because they live out of state. Once we got the diagnoses all bets were off and we couldn't follow the schedule. We had to be more "flexible" to her "special" needs. The counselor determined "it wasn't in her best interest" to "force" her to visit and to make the visits shorter so she didn't stress out so much. We had hoped counseling would help bring them closer together, it ended up alienating us further.

I'm all for counseling and I'm sure it will help him in the long run. Just don't bank on it helping you with increasing his visitation.

Nope, NCP's time is NCP's time. It is not discretionary time for the Skids.

I would have dearly loved to have kept my son (SS) from the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan but I promised my son that I would not keep him from having a relationship with them.

If they did not have the resources to fly him out, then he did not go. But we did not keep him from the poluted end of his gene pool.

We did inform the SpermClan several times when they could have him and told them to take it or leave it. We fought many battles with them over the start time for summer and winter visitation. But never did we keep our son (my SS) from seeing them.

If I were your DH I would pick the kid up for every visitation .... period.

Good luck and best regards,