This door mat spoke up! Now what...
The week before last I finally got up the nerve and spoke up and told my DH I was afraid of him - to talk to him about difficult topics b/c of the arguments that it caused (#1 being the kids). He didn't say a word! And you know what, he STILL hasn't. We were even in the car quite a bit last week, and NOTHING. I even brought it up a few times, and all I got was a deadpan look. So today I'd just had enough, and all of you amazing women on this site have been encouraging me to stand up and be strong...so I did it again...in a different way. I sent him an email outlining everything and since that format has worked in the past, I was holding out hope. Well, you know what I got...nothing! He sent me a few email forwards and commentary on superficial topics afterwards. He referenced something I said in one of his other emails though, so I know he got it. I was basically telling him he HAS to start talking to me b/c I have no idea what's going on or how to respond or how to co-parent or what to do about anything at all when I'm the one doing the work - and I only get negative feedback if he doesn't like what I do, but never any positive feedback. Won't go into the details, but it was strongly worded and it would have insited most men to reply and say something! WTF!??! He tells me he loves me all the time, he does some things to take care of me and protect me, and things I ask him to help with...but the kid situation is wacked out crazy, and he's not doing most of the kind things that he used to - even though I still am and more - things he really likes and appreciates. So what's the deal? I know he's committed to me, we talk about the future and our life plans all of the time, but why is he shutting down? I also know he's not cheating on me or even thinking about it. We talk about a grocery list as long as I don't disagree with him, but he won't even speak to me about our communication skills so that we can calmly discuss the kids or other issues that actually impact us more than what vegetables we buy at the store! He used to not be like this at all. He used to listen and talk and care and want to share feelings with me. SO...that allllll being said, and now that I've gotten a little bit of a backbone to speak up...why is he shutting down?
- manicmom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Maybe he feels like he can't
Maybe he feels like he can't do anything or just simply doesn't know what to say or do? Someone else posted this earlier on another blog, it made a lot of sense to me.
GOOD that you spoke up though. So happy for you.
Thanks I'm just at a loss
Thanks
I'm just at a loss and feel like I'm losing it...and just want to make things better...not worse. And b/c I'm not getting any reaction at all in any way, I have no idea.
Its hard to know. The worst
Its hard to know. The worst thing is not getting a negative response, its getting NO response. I guess if you really want to know, you are going to have to confront him and say hey, do you have any reaction to my email?
My SO and I do this sometimes, write through email. Sometimes written is better and more clear. He has a tendency to not respond too, but I can tell he read it because I usually see some kind of change.
It's really seriously adding
It's really seriously adding another layer or insane to my pile of crazy! I keep trying to be rational and work on things like a normal person approaching any other problem (which I am, and this is), but he's just so damn resistant it's nuts. We talked a little more last night - but not about the core issue. It was a little helpful to get that stuff off my chest about SD15 just seeming to hate my existance, but then there's still the silence. He thinks she's jealous...she's not. She's in control of him so she's not jealous at all - she just hates me and knows that I'm the only thing in the way of her total domination and control of "daddy" :sick: Anyway, this morning, he is still getting up early and catering to her (not the other three mind you) and enabling all of the crappy behavior we'd talked about last night!
He's actually being extra sweet to me, so it's keeping me from going over the edge about all of this, but I've still had it though. SD15 is maddening enough that there's really nothing at all that he can do to negate the crap she gives me and the stress she causes our marriage. We are going to see a counselor. I can't talk to him any more knowing that it's just wasted energy and hope, and he can't see a need to change - so I'm drawing a line and telling him that I'm not watching the girls when he deploys unless we go to counseling and SD15 (on her own) does too!
So....feeling bold and like I
So....feeling bold and like I have nothing to lose and everyting to gain...I sent him another email and just asked WHY he was being silent. I GOT AN ANSWER!!!
Thank you ladies! I wouldn't have gotten up the nerve to stand up and say something without y'all! We agreed to talk about little things as they come up, and that he needs to work on HOW he says things to me so they aren't daggers but more like helpful meds.
He doesn't like hurting me, and sometimes conversations are difficult and he doesn't like seeing the sadness in my eyes. So I expalined things and emotions to him and we are working though it! Yeah! I love my man. Married him for a reason.