SD 9 send help!!!
I need ADVICE ive tried everything! My DH has full custody of his daughter shes 9. Her mom is in and out of her life basically when she feels like being a mom. Im left to pick up the pieces. Sd has always had lots of issues with lying, being sneaky & trying to act older than she is. She constantly talks aboit me and hurts my feelings. I recently put her in therapy which has helped some. Our relationship is Rocky she cares for me but craves her toxic mother's attention. My dh expects me to be able to just be her mom like I am to my kids and its not so simple. I cannot discipline her like my kids or I'm " mean" then when I don't get onto her my husband says I dont care about her. He tells me im always negitive to her and if I am its because of frustration he doesnt discipline her much he thinks I should since im there with her. Im trying to correct her behavior like I do my kids and its like anything I say i am wrong I want to give up and say screw it you raise yours i raise mine but that always causes tension. Ive tried to disengage but my husband notices and is pissed telling me im wrong and treat her diffrent. Someone helppppppp!
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Curious about one thing, who
Curious about one thing, who thinks you are mean when you punish? Does you DH back you up when you punish or does he ignore it and say you are too hard and mean?
My dh says that im mean. She
My dh says that im mean. She goes and pouts and tells him in mean to her and nice to my kids dont forget the waterworks shes puts on when telling him that. I literally am just trying to help her be a good person if anything im nicer to her than my bio kids when discipline is envolved. She just does what she wants and expects no consequences. She could make a bad grade and somehow its my fault because I didn't study enough with her. Even though I do she just tells me she doesnt have homework and I have 3 other kids to take care of. Her dad acts like he doesnt want to be bothered with raising her. She cries her way out of everything and its always my fault!!
It seems your SD is
It seems your SD is demonstrating typical behavior for a child who has several adults in her life that parent her but are not at all on the same page. My son was the same when I first entered the pic (i adopted SS10). It took me and DH being a team and supporting one another to get him to be better and some counseling.
If your DH is going to cave everytime she comes crying and complains about you things will only get worse never better. He needs to support you and tell her that you are an adult in the house and she is the kid. If you are punishing he backs you up by saying so to her. Part of her behavior is from being able to manipulate her dad and get what she wants. In the end you have more of a breakdown in communication with DH and you two not being on the same page and acting as a team.
Agreed 100% but how do I get
Agreed 100% but how do I get him to realize thathe feels guilty her mother is a piece of crap so he expects me to completely take over that role and she pushes me away! Its so hard i want to give up. I'm the one who pushed therapy her dad pretends I'm the problem not sd having issues! I am wrong no matter what I do! I want to disengage but I cant because im with her 90 % of the day her dad works
I get the whole not being
I get the whole not being able to fully disengage. You can some. She messes up at school he deals with it. Parent teacher things he deals with it. When she is with you without him around the only thing you are responsible for is to make sure she is fed and not doing anything dangerous. If he still blames you well guess what your marriage will either a) not last or b) be miserable and you always settling. Have you two considered going to counseling together to try to talk through all this? Talk about what you expect from the other and come up with game plan that you both are good. I am taking a wild guess not much talk was done before getting married on how you two would handle the kids and expectations and boundaries on how it has to be a team for a blended family to work.
Have you tried being completely and brutally honest with him, saying something like if this continues this whole relationship with end at some point. Hell I said that DH at times when we were working it all out at first. I am blunt.
He has unrealistic expectations of you to be a mom to her if he will continue to undermined you and authority. You could try giving him a dose of his own medicine get on him when he punishes your kids and make him feel like he has no say over the other kids in your home. It is petty but sometimes that is what it takes.
Yes we rushed into everything
Yes we rushed into everything with our life I found out I was pregnant with our child together, then 3 weeks later his daughter moved in and I barely knew her and I was expected to take on the "mom" role. We definitely need couples counseling we dont communicate it is always an argument if I bring up any issues. I hate it im not confrontational and I'm so unhappy with the way things are. I have to put my foot down but in a positive way for me and MY kids! Thank you for your input!
In the same boat except my
In the same boat except my bios are much older. I feel for you
Lucky you!*yahoo*
Lucky you!*yahoo*
From what I get reading your
From what I get reading your post and your responses, YOU seem to be the one doing EVERYTHING for his daughter. What exactly is your H doing because he's d@mn sure not parenting her. He can’t expect you to raise her but yet you have no authority or get to discipline her. I get her mother is not in her life but he shouldn’t treat her like a victim because of it.
My dh expects me to be able to just be her mom like I am to my kids and its not so simple. I cannot discipline her like my kids or I'm " mean" then when I don't get onto her my husband says I dont care about her.
His expectations are unrealistic for you to be her “mom” because you are not and she knows it. My advice would be to disengage and he has to deal with ALL things pertaining to her. You have to create firm boundaries and not be afraid of his reaction. He’s doing a great injustice to his daughter by not showing her to take accountability and that there are consequences for misbehavior. If she sees you both are not on the same page she will manipulate and take advantage of you both. It amazes me how he puts his child on YOU and he’s on the side lines criticizing and not doing a damn thing about it. Let him do everything since he doesn’t like how you parent her. He will see first-hand how difficult this has been for you. You have your OWN kids to worry about and you shouldn’t take away from them due to his shitty lack of parenting.
Thank you thank you omg you
Thank you thank you omg you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! Yes I am fully taking care of my sd granted he is working but yes he fully expects me to take her on and I am overwhelmed. I've told him I cannot do it alone it is his child. When he is home he doesn't want to hear about things he needs to do with his daughter he expects me to do them with a smile on my face. When a child manipulates us against each other that's a problem. We can feel sorry for her and let her do what she wants or parent her??!!!! How can I disengage when im responsible for her 90 percent of the time? Ive tried and my dh gets pissed and we argue!
Yes I am fully taking care of
Yes I am fully taking care of my sd granted he is working but yes he fully expects me to take her on and I am overwhelmed. I've told him I cannot do it alone it is his child.
I am assuming you are a stay at home mom so with that being said if you are responsible for her 90% of the time he doesn’t get to dictate how you parent her since he’s not there. If he doesn’t like it he has the option of getting a babysitter/nanny to do it in his absence. He can’t have both.
You are overwhelmed and he should be concerned how this is affecting you. He’s HER father so he doesn’t get to come home and not want to deal with her because he’s tired and doesn’t want to “deal” with it. She is HIS responsibility at the end of the day and you are doing him a favor by caring for her. You have no obligation to do so. He’s taking advantage of you and on top of that not being grateful for all you are doing, sacrificing, and dismissive over how this is taking a toll on you. He gets upset and uses that to get you to cave. If you truly want to disengage you have to have a serious conversation with him that unless he changes and has your back as an authority figure/parent in the home you CANNOT and WILL NOT care for her anymore.
Not only has SD’s mother failed her but so is your H by pawning this girl on you and not helping her in anyway. He has to look internally and see how he is contributing to her misbehavior instead of deflecting and placing blame on you.
You are so right thank you
You are so right thank you for you input its greatly appreciated it makes me feel like im not alone or insane! Ive literally been saying all of this for 3 years now its time to put my foot down& dh can either be on board or not that's his choice!
You have to put your foot down
You have to make DH parent his DD. You have to disengage to a point. Let DH take care of everything for SD. School. Doctors ect. Him working is not and a good excuse, it’s his DD , he has to step up.
Two Words
United
Front.
Kids will normally try the "divide and conquer" routine even in "intact" families. So much more so in "blended" families.
Oldie but goody post:
http://steptogether.org/help.html
You have a HUGE husband
You have a HUGE husband problem. He’s being a total A$$.