When do they become your stepkids?

At what point did you guys start to consider the kids your "stepkids"? Did it happen the day you got married? Or before? DH and I have only been married for a year, but we have been together going on 9 years. The kids and I started referring to each other as steps years ago and all our friends and family accepted it as well. I've always had a pretty good relationship with my S-Kids so I never minded the title of Stepmom, and I guess I have had a sense of being a "motherly figure" to them from the beginning. So what do you think the bond is that connects you to your S-kids is? And when did you start to feel it? Is it only a title that come from marriage or is it more? I know there are some of you that would rather not be bonded to them at all, but for those that are...

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Once we were confident the

Once we were confident the wedding was going to happen....plans were being finalized, rings bought, etc. I began referring to the girls as my step daughters or future step daughters. Now they are just our girls. It was gradual and I think I did it that way more for SD13's comfort than anything else. Jumping right into being "mom" would have pushed her away as she feels loyal to her BM. (of course)

Once we were confident the

For me it was when he moved

For me it was when he moved in with me. I was in a committed relationship with SO, and the two of them moved in as a pair. So I went from living alone to wife and "mommy" overnight. I was exhausted for quite a while before I adjusted to the pace. (And now that SS has bailed out, I am really appreciating the slowdown.)

I called him my stepson fairly immediately, even though SO and I are not married in the eyes of any religion or governmental body. SO and I have made the highest level of commitment we can offer each other, between us and our higher power, and we're not real concerned about whether we have a paper endorsement from any outside organization. I call him SO on here to make that distinction because it's a detail that can be significant in this context, but when speaking IRL I call him my husband, and he calls me his wife.

So as I said, I called SS my stepson right away. But pretty quickly actually, I dropped the "step" and started calling him my son. He was 10, we had a great relationship, and I was his primary caretaker (100% custodial - BM walked away). SS would introduce me to people as his mom. When I called him my "step"son it started to feel to both of us like it put distance in our relationship and called it less than it was. So I started calling him my son.

Despite introducing me as his mom, SS did call me by my first name. That threw people sometimes. The way we got along and the way I always watched out for him and took care of him, and since BM never came around at all, it never really occurred to people that I wasn't actually his mother.

Based on the way we interacted, people generally assumed SO, SS and I were a biological nuclear family, and married.

We pretty much went along with that - because that was the day to day reality of how we interacted as well. "Son" fit the label of what SS was to me.

Now that he's bailed it's an odd situation. Because while a biological mother will always be a mom, what made me a mom was SS's presence and the fact that I took care of him. It was a relationship chosen on both sides by SS and by me. Now that he has turned his back on me, the reality is that I don't have a son anymore.

*Now* I have a *stepson*.

The day we were married.... I

The day we were married....

I considered them my stepkids. SS9 still hasn't come to terms with it, nor have I, but it is what it is...

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