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Stream of Consciousness about recent stuff

mama_althea's picture

I like to update my blog every now and again because it gives me a chronological perspective to go back and see. Sometimes there's not a question in it for the rest of Step Talk, but always appreciate input. Anyway, what's been going on lately:

About 3 weeks ago I completely shut down on SO. I wasn't mean or unpleasant; I answered his questions in a polite, friendly way. I did not, however, initiate any conversation or affection. I decided I was not going to keep putting myself out there just for his clueless self to shoot me down. Funny thing is that in a matter of only a few days he was seeking me out to talk to me and hug all over me. It was what I had been wanting from him, but I didn't want it by me acting some unnatural way. I was already mostly disengaged from SD.

Toward the end of the 3 weeks I resumed therapy with my long-time counsellor over something pretty much unrelated. Or at least I thought it was unrelated, but she saw right off the bat what my sub-conscious was up to, which was exerting itself in areas outside of SO and SD because these are areas I can be my own person and have some control. That's the nutshell, anyway.

This is all leading up to the point that I got SO to go to therapy with me. It was strained at first (he was like a deer in the headlights), but eventually things began to flow. The counselor helped teach us (meaning him) the fundamentals of active listening ahd effective communication. We hammered out 1 or 2 things in her office and are assigned to talk at least 10 minutes 3 times per week.

Main point to take away: We started talking, have some methods for talking, and have a commitment to keep talking. Soon SD will be a topic and this gets me hopeful that we can talk constructively without falling into his defensive traps.

Sub-point: I think he might start counselling on his own, which would be huge.

Update on the skid frontier:

After the previous weekend where I had to go out of town and SO chose that weekend to NOT get SD, I was hurt/pissed. This past weekend was not horrible. SD was mostly friendly with me; made fun of me for dressing up for trick-or-treating; let me help her with her costume after her dad kind of screwed it up and then she even said I did a good job and thanked me; still wouldn't eat any food I offered her but ate the same food when her dad offered it to her; said I looked cool and awesome in the costume I wore out to a party that night; and then on the last day whispered to her dad to come in her room, after which he came out and asked if she could play with the kid craft supplies I have, which I often offer her to play with, but for some reason she had to ask SO in private instead of me. Same day she sat on the couch biting her toenails and later, while eating breakfast on the couch, held a McDonalds hash brown with same toes. I have a different post devoted to the rude things she did while trick-or-treating, but at least SO was embarrassed by that as well.

Normally I don't mention SS15. I like him, he's gone with his friends all the time so we don't see him much, and I thought he liked me too. Yesterday he and his little posse were walking on a side street I turned on while driving. We were so close that I could see without mistake that he hid behind one of his friends and then pulled up the side of his jacket to hide himself further. About 1/2 hour later he was on another sidewalk and I was stopped several cars back from a stoplight. The person in front of me honked for some reason, causing SS to turn back and look...right at me. I'm sure he thought I honked and then he kind of hid again. This made me sad...I've always liked him and I thought we got along great.

And finally for BM:

Not much to report there, except that she called me because she wanted to put her dog to sleep and didn't have any money and she knew I would take care of it. I went over there, saw him, and said if she would let me have him, I'd take him to the vet and get him checked out. I've known the dog for years and he spends weekends at our house sometimes- I love him too. She said that she couldn't take care of him, so that would be great. She seemed relieved. So I've been getting him medical attention, and while the prognosis isn't good, he still has a chance...a chance I want to try for. Now, of course, she wants to know when she can get her dog back. The dog that she was ok with euthanising the other day, but now is not ok with us having. Yes, you all can flog me for doing anything to help BM. I should know better.

There's probably some more stuff...but mainly I'm focusing on what can come out of this commitment I have from SO to talk about things. I'm cautiously hopeful.