I just realized I'm not really the "mom" to my SD and I'm devastated.
I can hardly write this because I'm completely heartbroken by my 14 year old SD. Her BM left when she was 18 months old. I have raised her as my own daughter for nearly 9 years. She has had minimal contact with her BM over the years and when she does talk to her or see her our relationship gets really strained. Her BM has been in and out of jail for everything from Prostitution to DUI. She dopped out of highschool in the 10th grade and has been a stripper ever since.She got re-married 6 years ago, had another baby, then left that child when he was 15 months old. Last year, she married a 6 time convicted felon who is on probation until 2010 and had another baby. She has been evicted from every place she has ever lived and sometimes resorts to living in motels. Recently, she started calling my SD. My problem is that the other night, my SD called her BM after we would not let her go to her friends house. My SD said that we "never let her go anywhere" and went on and on about how we make her do chores ect. Then her BM said that if she came to live with her, she would not have any of those rules. For the next 2 days we were besieged with constant phone calls and nasty messages from the BM.I am so angry and upset by the betrayal of my SD. I resent her ungrateful behaivor and feel like I have been stabbed in the back.She has always called me "mama" unless she is made at me, then I'm called by my first name which feels like she is twisting the knife already in my back.We have provided her with a great life full of opportunity. I feel sick when she trash talks us to her BM who has never been there for her and I resent the fact that some mornings, I have to send my BC to the nieghbors house so they can put him on the bus while I take her to her $700 a month private school. I am seriously debating the "nature vs. nuture" theory and am starting to think that no matter how we try to raise her, she will still have those deceptive bad behaivors of her BM which makes me cringe.How do I get through this?
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Oh my. I am so sorry this
Oh my. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I honestly dont know what you could do to get her to understand that she has it GOOD... I mean.. REALLY good.
I have heard how teens can get.. and having been a teen in the past.. I can recall saying some very hurtful things to my parents. I wasnt then.. but am now embarassed. Thing is.. I was my parents child.. and because I was their BC, they had unconditional love for me.. but I am sure resented my behavior from time to time (not saying I was hell on wheels.. but I was a pretty emotional teen)..
That was a roundabout way of saying.. You are having typical feelings of a parent of a teen.
Thanks, but now what?
How do I talk to her about this without attacking her and her BM. I'm so hurt and angry that I actually want to send her to her Prostitute BM and the Convicted Felon.
14yo
"How do I get through this?" Accept the fact that if it didn't come out of your body that it belongs to someone else and that we are mere substitutes until the real thing shows up. Their loyalty is always with BM regardless of what kind of prize she is. The one BP that is gone the most is usually the one they want to be with in the worst way.
With that being said, even BPs without a divorce can go through an awful time with teenagers. With her being 14 yo you will have the teen years for awhile. If the public school is good enough for your child then I am positive it would be good enough for her. Put the 14 yo and her attitude on the bus so she can adjust to the real world.
l'll try to accept it
Thanks for telling me the bitter truth. I really thought she did belong to me and as I write this, I can't stop shaking and crying, I feel like I lost one of the most precious gifts in the world. I guess I should have figured this out a long time ago, I just thought that if I did everything for her that a mother does, I would really be her mother and she would always be my little girl. We alway have given her the best because we feel that she was cheated out of a normal BM.
I totally disagree.
"Accept the fact that if it didn't come out of your body that it belongs to someone else and that we are mere substitutes until the real thing shows up." I totally and respectfully disagree with this comment. There are many, many, MANY adoptive parents out there whose children didn't come from their bodies, but who are definitely the "real" parents.
I think BEING the mother MAKES you the mother, especially when the so-called "real" mother isn't doing her job. I think mothers and daughters have fought since the beginning of time and most of us daughters who hated our mothers during our teen years find out how much they really mean to us when we grow up and have children of our own. When that time comes, Maggie, your SD will realize that YOU have been the only real mother in her life and she will appreciate you. Right now, she's a teenager and she's being fed a line of crap by her BM. I think teenagers are famous for rebellion and are master manipulators who have no qualms about playing one parent against the other. I think her BM also seems to have no qualms about playing both sides against the middle, even if it hurts her own child. I think you're already doing what you should be doing. Loving her, being there for her, being a strong and positive influence, making her toe the line and giving her boundaries to keep her safe. Anything less isn't being a "mother." It's being irresponsible.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
I'm with you on this one Anne...
I think Maggie's SD is calling her BM like she would call her girlfriend to complain about her "totally unfair" parents. BM, of course, is different because she actually has some sort of leverage in the situation not like a girlfriend would.
When SD is in real need like going to the doctor, dentist, braces, new shoes, or any other kind of essential then where will she turn? To the parents that actually provide for her like an adult should.
Like Anne, I think SD will come to the realization one day who her "real" mother has been and thank you for being what BM never could be. Right now she's in the land of the selfish teenage beast...where NOTHING seems to be quite fair.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Responsible "mother" always
I appriciate your comment so much. I picked up my SD today from school and we had the best talk. We both agreed that we argue about stuff that every teenage daughter argues about with "mom". I shared with her my hurt feelings, jealousy, ect. re:BM and surprisingly enough, she opened up - a little. As it turns out, for the past 9 years she really does recognize the fact that I love her as MY GIRL!!! And she does realize that I have been and ALWAYS will be there for her.
I did ask that if she needs to vent about how sucky her parents are (like every other teen) to please do it with her friends, not her BM because unlike most kids in her situation, they have somewhat normal relationships/contact with thier BM's. The consequences of her calling her BM on the slight chance she can reach her on the phone, tend to have major reprocusions in our home for days, i.e. days of nasty phone calls/messages.
I am so glad that I found you all and value all of the different opinions because it gives me so much more insight in my situation. I consider myself so lucky to have the family that I have, and sometimes I forget reality. . .My girl has baggage and it comes in the form of her BM. If I'm not there to help her deal with this, who will be?
"Walk slow and watch for snakes"
Again.. I am not sure how
Again.. I am not sure how to point these things out to her w/o beating up on the BM and her messed up life.
I have a sd9.. I do lots of things for her that her BM doesnt do. She lives w/the BM. The BM does not take them to the park (which is free) and seems to think about herself more. We (my DH & I) have taught my SD how to ride her bike (BM still hasnt taken the training wheels off the one she has at her place), take her to the park, take her to museums and movies, the pond near our home to go swimming.. the BM doesnt even set up a sprinkler for the kids at her place and she has them all the time.. all summer long.. and the only time they get to go swimming or get wet is when they are w/us (they live in the OCEAN STATE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.. throw a stone they could hit ocean). Why did I just go on and on about this?? This child still refers to the things her mother occassionally does as the REAL things.. like her REAL bday party (vs. the one we throw) and has NO appreciation for the many things we do.
Does the BM live nearby??? Let her spend a few afternoons w/the BM and her BF.. let her see the grass is NOT greener on the other side. OR point out that BM is living w/a convicted felon.. and that the courts would not look to well on SD going to live in that situation.
the grass certainly is not greener
We live in the FL panhandle and they live in Central FL, about 8 hours away, thank goodness. My SD has asked BM to come visit Dec.21-24. Her BM said she would only come if my SD would be able to spend the night with her at the motel. (A year and a half ago when she came with the convict BF, we would not allow her to stay over night with them.)I have explained my concerns about this to my SD and reminded her that in the past, when we set a rule re: no boyfriends of mom are to come for a visit, the BM would drop off the BF around the corner, then come pick up the child, then go back and pick up the BF. The BM would tell SD not to "tell Daddy, cause he would be jealous". The minute SD got home she would tell me about the BF. A week later, that same BF beat up her BM and put her in the hospital. Even with all this explanation, I'm not sure that any of this really sinks in as logical it may be to us, my SD seems oblivious to any danger. So now I am at the point of giving up. I am tired of fighting and trying to protect her because she seems to resent me that much more for "keeping her from her BM". Also, I fear the emotional games her BM plays with her are very damaging and it usually takes at least a week after a visit for my SD to return to her normal sweet self. She always seems like a different person when she's had any contact with her BM. Sometimes I don't ever recognize her.
I really feel for your situation, having to deal with this blended family life on a regular basis. I think I would go insane if I were in your shoes. I guess I should feel lucky that my SD has only seen her BM a handfull of times in 9 years. When a year goes by and we haven't gotten so much as a phone call, I start to breath easy and begin to think that BM is finally out of our lives. I even start to believe that she is all mine and I feel at peace in our regular every-day routine, like we are a non-blended family. Her BM is like a herpes virus that keeps popping up when you least expect it . . .it's irritating, sometimes downright painful, and theres no cure for it.
Time for Reality Check
Your SD needs some reality. At 14 I think she is ready for her dad to sit her down and tell her calmly the cold reality of her BM's life and explain the reason she has no rules, are that there are no rules in her life.
have him ask your SD when she grows up does she want to havekids that she leaves and has others raise or does she want to be type adult who raises her own? Does she want to sell her body to strange men who have no respect fro her?
She needs to understand that chores are given to every memeber of the family because it takes a family to take care of a family and she is an important part of that. Her mother's house has no true family, not one that ever last long because they don't set the rules to make it work.
Good luck, and keep up the good fight, you sound like a wonderful Mom and I can see where this would break your heart.
''Reality Sucks"
Thank you, thank you! I really needed to hear that and all the other previous comments. I am starting to feel a little better, or at least validated. Last night, my husband did break it down for her and as I was standing there listening, all I could say to her was that I "just can't find the words right now" and was unable to talk. This morning when I got up and went to make coffee, it was already made and there was a note that said "ready to talk whenever you are, Momma and "Momma" was underlined.
I hope I can find the strength and calmness to talk with her tonight.
You all need to have a serious family conference
My skids came to live with us full-time last March. We have all spent time talking about what a bizarre psycho BM is. Nevertheless, DH and I have softened our rhetoric and encouraged the skids to at least talk with their mom (living in another state). They have no interest.
It's amazing how absolutely dead and gone their affection seems to be for her. So I'm really suprised your skid is so clueless and longing for the person who abandoned her. Maybe if she HAD lived with her awful BM (sounds like a total lowlife), there wouldn't be all this misplaced glamour attached to her.
The reason your SD acts badly when she comes home is because she is CONFUSED.
I agree with need2vent. You and Dad need to set down and just go over the basic facts. Tell her what kind of family and what kind of people you are trying to be. Remind her of all the pain her BM has caused her. Explain that she has a choice not to A) continue to be a victim
Lead the kind of life that destroys her and everyone close to her.
She is definitely old enough for some harsh truths. And some stringent rules about her behavior.
We give our skids $20 a week each for holding to their responsibilities within our family, including respectful communication. If they blow it, they either get docked, or they get no allowance at all. Gets their attention!
If you don't have some sort of weekly incentive program at home, implement one and be deadly consistent with it -- even if you can only afford a nominal amount. We have "family review meeting" as a group every Saturday where each skid receives her "pay"! Let me tell you, it works for everything, from cleaning your room to cleaning your potty mouth!
I feel for you
My SD is the only one allowed to talk badly about her mom. And I mean she says really disrespectful trash talk about BM. I think it's b/c they do it about us over at BM's to bond. But let me say one small thing (like the other night talking with DH about there being no consequences at BM's house) and my SD attacks me defending BM ruthlessly.
It reminds me of an analogy my mom used for this kind of situation. When I was little we dog sat for my aunt. My dog used to terrorize our cat, but when we dog sat she protected her ferociously from my aunts dog, as in "that's MY cat to pick on." SD does this with BM. It's frustrating b/c BM is so rude, manipulative and disrespectful and blatantly so about us to SD. But we have to tip-toe around the sad reality.
I think a calm, loving discussion about your concerns is in order. I know when I make my feelings truly vulnerable to SD, when I hug her and say I love you in a sincere moment, she responds. BM NEVER gives her that kind of sincere I love you or hug. NEVER.
Good luck and let us know how it works out.
Peace, love, and red wine
A calm, loving discussion
I underestimated my SD's understanding of this awful situation. At 14, she seems to know that her life is pretty good with us. . . I may not always let her get her way, but today she made me feel that she knows that she is and always will be taken care of. She also said that she understands that we feel that she doesn't appreciate everything we do for her and she actually asked me what she could do to "show" me her appreciation.
At times like this, I have to stop. . . Maybe some of what I am doing is working. There is hope, today.
"Walk slow and watch for snakes"
adoptive parents
Lots of adoptive parents have their world turned upside down when the BM shows up years later or the adult child decides to go looking for them. All the kds that I know, that were adopted, have gone looking for their BPs and never gave up hope that they would find them.
Maggie, in your original statement you did not mention adoption so I assume that is not an option. There are 4 players involved in this case and all the players know who the BM is.
Yes, but...
There's a huge difference between a DNA donor and a parent. And THAT should be equally clear to all the players, as well.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Kneejerk Response
Your post made me cry. Of course, I can't subject my SD to any situation that might put her in danger, even if I am so ANGRY. I'm just so glad that I have finally found a place to vent with REAL PEOPLE who are dealing with these issues. I also know that I can't make her BM go away, but I can help my SD grow up to know right from wrong,have a great education, and teach her that she is precious no matter where she came from. I can and will do all of these things and more and hopefully she will persevere.
I guess everyone goes through these same trials while raising children that we love and care so much about. It just hurt me so much because I know the alternative that my SD's life could be like, and what a failure I would be if I allowed her to go with her BM.
"Walk slow and watch for snakes"
The Tree??
I don't really want to inject on this as advice because I have never dealt with abandonment issues with a child and would just like to add that you are a wonderful person and doing a great job. You obviously love your SD so much to be there for her through all this so Kudos and hugs for all that!!
But, I would like to say something about when you said in your original post:
" I am seriously debating the "nature vs. nuture" theory and am starting to think that no matter how we try to raise her, she will still have those deceptive bad behaivors of her BM which makes me cringe."
I find that the nature thing sort of like the 'apple never falling far from the tree' theory. I find it very interesting and would like to share a bit about my son and his dad.
Lucky for me my sons father is a beautiful person, hasn't been the best father to my son, but all through his life circumstances, not because he is or was a bad person. My son is going on 15 and has probably been around his dad about 6 months (if that) of his life if you totalled all the days he has spent with him.
My son as he is at 14, as much as he has my influence is the apple of his father. He walks like him, talks like him, acts like him, laughs like him, pull the same facial expressions, he is polite, quiet, kind hearted, soft in nature, impulsive, laughs a lot, good with his hands like him and musically talented just like him. He can't lie, if he did he would be sick for a week (LOL) always has to be the good guy and can't say no (unlike me) to anyone.
Now I understand that alot of these things, like looks and musical talent is genetic but my personality is abrasive, out going, loud, blunt and basically totally opposite to my son. I find it odd that he can spend so little time with him and none at all in the last 3 years and still he is so like him? I guess I believe the apple does fall close to the tree and I am lucky his dad is a good apple...I hope your SD doesn't inherit some of these awful traits from her mother after all your wonderful influence on her, just keep one eye open and hopefully she will be wise enough to stay away from all that her mother has become. I am interested in what othesr think of the apple theory...
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Genetics
I think....
That genetics play a much larger role in personality than environment alone.
I dated a guy in high school who was raised by his father and SM. They were very loving, supportive, conservative Catholics- highly involved in their church (even lived walking distance from it.)
My exBF had not seen his BM (alcoholic and bipolar) since she took off with him and his older sister when he was only two. His dad was in the Army and it was the Army who investigated and found the kids (thank God.)
When my ExBF was around 21, his BM and his older sister had established a relationship with their BM. This hurt her parents very much b/c the BM was absolutely nuts. So was the older sister- drugs suicide attempts, divorced and on welfare, etc. Then my ExBF tried to get to know his BM for about 6 months. Their relationship ended in a terrible fight (physical- and she ended up going after him with a knife while drunk.)
My exBF was abusive to me, an alcoholic and drug addict. He covered it up well and many people had no idea. He was athletic, and a good student. But behind clothes doors he was his BM's son.
I have also seen similar things (drugs) with my nephew, who was raised from the time he was about 8 by my sister and her second husband while his BD was in jail for drugs. My nephew was on the football team, got decent grades, popular, etc. Then my exBIL showed up after he got out of jail. He started letting my nephew and his friends do drugs at his house. My nephew has been in and out of rehab for years now (he's now in his early 20's.) BUT...
His little sister is a scholarship student in college now, wouldn't touch a drug for anything. She is her mother's daughter. I used to think it was b/c she was only two when her dad left for prison. But then I think of my exBF. I don't think so. She won the gene lottery.
Dealing with my SD and the personality disorder she gets from BM (oh and my DH's sister as well) I now know that there is a level of no matter what I do...no matter how hard I try... SD is her BM's daughter. And SD senses that is a bad thing and gets angry when DH tries to talk to her about her behavior. "I am NOT my MOM!" she YELLS at him.
All the while saying/doing the exact same things her mom did to DH. Like when he's just calmly talking to her it's, "Why are you YELLING at me?" Or creating drama at school/with her friends to get attention. She also can spin a story (learned from her BM? Or just their personality?) about how everyone else is mean to her, she never deserves the retaliation she receives from her peers, she doesn't deserve consequences for us being overly strict (we're really not.) And then there's the language of absolutes "you NEVER" "You ALWAYS" the black and white world she inhabits with the PD.
This could be a post all on it's own huh?
Peace, love, and red wine
Sooo interesting!!
I have thought about this many times with my son and what you are saying is so interesting to me...Perhaps I will start the thread and you can copy your response in for others to read??
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Feel free!
Post away
Peace, love, and red wine